It is a scientifically proven fact that doughnuts make people happy.
Don't doubt me; this is hard science backed by high-tech computer models.
Presenting a person with a box of doughnuts will immediately induce an anticipatory glee that is unrivaled by any human experience.
However, when this person opens the doughnut box to find the most horrid of all edibles . . . their euphoric state will be shattered and they will most likely experience extreme nausea and violent bouts of dry-heaving.
. . . . .
What is this ANTI-DOUGHNUT that I speak of? Read on, my friend!
Step 1: Broccoli: Anti-Doughnut
Based on a simple observation of universal human responses, we can extrapolate that broccoli is the exact opposite of doughnuts.
It is, therefore, the only suitable item for a doughnut prank-swap.
Put on your hazmat suit, plug your nose, and buy a few bunches of the nasty green stuff.
You will also need an empty doughnut box. I bought a dozen doughnuts and just asked for a couple extra boxes, which they gave me for free.
Step 2: Prepare the Poison
For the broccoli to have the full intended effect, I highly recommend blanching it first. This will make the sickly green color really pop.
Wash and cut the broccoli bunches into pieces, and drop them into boiling water for one minute.
Remove and promptly dunk the broccoli in ice water until the pieces are fully cooled. Remove from water, and let the pieces dry thoroughly.
Then air out your house, because it will smell like death.
Step 3: Let's Up the Insult Level
I decided to up the insult level inflicted on anyone that wants to eat a doughnut by including a photo of Michelle Obama inside the box, along with an actual quote from the First Lady.
Okay, maybe not. I doubt Michelle Obama has ever said these words in this order, ever.
And I personally will gladly eat a dozen donuts in one sitting, so the made up quote is only poking fun at myself. Those of us with thicker skin (or perhaps thicker sub-dermal layering) should enjoy the self-referential humor, which is aided beautifully by the perfectly condescending- and sanctimonious-looking photo of Mrs. Obama.
If this offends anyone, you need lighten up (figuratively, at least) by eating a few more doughnuts! :)
If you want to add this to your doughnut box, simply print out the picture and glue it to the inside lid of the box.
Or even easier, you could just write a comment or insult in there with a marker.
Step 4: Load the Green Emetic Into the Box
Load the broccoli into the doughnut box.
Step 5: All Done!
Now, stick the closed doughnut box somewhere where an unsuspecting doughnut-lover may pass by and think they're in for a special sugary treat.
I recommend lying in wait to watch their reactions. Some people will do nothing. Some will be happy and eat the broccoli. Others will curse and throw tantrums.
Step 6: Now Don't Be a Meanie
Please get some real doughnuts to share when the prank is done, to help ward off any broccoli-nausea you may have caused.
And you might as well bring along a tub of ranch dip for all that broccoli.