What's better than tricking someone you love, hate, or who owes you money into eating a mouthful of something that they think is something else? Nothing, that's what! Nothing gives that warm and fuzzy feeling like watching someone unwittingly munch on innards and tell you how much they really enjoy it.
Step 1: The Heart of the Matter
When people think of offal---and those are rare moments indeed---they think of the taste of overcooked liver. A bitter and grainy experience that is at once coppery and irony (ferrous I mean, not the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning) . . . you know, it's a gross experience. Liver can be a wonderful thing in the hands of someone that cares, but for the majority of people out there they just don't know. And they associate everything that doesn't look like a steak or ground chuck with that awful liver experience that happened in their early adolescence.
Heart is a good first step on the road to reclaiming the tasty delicacies that we call guts. Why? It's a meat pump. And it's leaner than that ribeye you have every time you go out to eat at a restaurant. LOADS of B12 in heart and high levels of coenzyme Q10 if you think that actually does something for you. And a 4oz portion will give you less cholesterol and saturated fat than a similar sized portion of ribeye. So why waste it. Eat it! Or trick someone else into doing it.
Step 2: Cardio
Step 3: Heart of the Matter
You're not going to ever get a pristine heart from a butcher or abattoir. They have to inspect it to make sure the cow didn't have heartworms. You don't want to eat those. So the heart will be sliced open to reveal the chamber and general anatomy inside---valves, connective tissue, etc.
Examine your heart before turning it into dinner. Though it's just a meat pump (IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH LOVE) it's a meat pump that beats continually for years. Science is cool. And so is food. Cut into it.
Step 4: Break Your Heart in Two . . . or Preferably More.
Step 5: The Slabs
Step 6: Dirty, Herby Work
Here I'm going to go a little Italian and give it some rosemary, thyme, and garlic. You could take it to southeast Asia and go with garlic and ginger and call this a satay too.
Dice up your herbs. Dice up your garlic. Salt it. Pepper it. Add a little olive oil. Put your heart into it! And let it sit a while. A few hours. I let this sit in the fridge overnight.
Step 7: Heart Burn
Preheat your grill (or grill pan or broiler). Throw that meat on. Grill it medium or medium rare. Anymore than that and you'll have shoe leather. And that isn't cool.
Step 8: Heart on a Platter
Try not to snicker and giggle as your friends eat these or they'll know that something is up. Play it cool. Don't tell them what they ate until months later. Bring it up really slyly.
You: "What do you think about heart?"
Them: "Eww, gross!"
You: "I know for a fact that you've had it before and really liked it."
A long pause and a dawning recognition.
Them: "You're a real @$$hole."
You smile and nod know you've done right by giving your heart to them.