The Professional Spitwad Guide

Hello. Its Ilpug.
lets get this straight.
Spitwads are an exact science. Sure, anybody can combine a tube, some saliva, and a peice of homework to create a projectile weapon, but it takes a Spitwad-marksman to do it well.

How much can you know about spit-wads? one might ask. the answer suprised me too. apparently, you can know a bunch. From shooter sizes and calibers, to ammunition components, to targeting methods.

I am a slacker. its what i do. A major part of slacking is finding something unproductive to do while you slack, so you wont get too bored. This is where spitwads come in.

What better way to diminish the establishment and show your disdain for your fellow man than by nailing their nose with a high-velocity ball of wood pulp and saliva?

I will now share with you all of the knowledge I can think of relating to this sacred art.

also included will be the Ten Commandments of Spitwads

Note- this is my entry for the Launch It! challenge. i missed the last challenge, and am determined to enter this one. i am on vacation as i type this, so its the best i could do with the rescources provided.

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Step 1: Choose your weapon- standard issue

spitwads are launched by the basic principle of compressed air in a sealed chamber. the spitwad launcher is one of the most simple projectile weapons imaginable, becasue at its simplest form, it is just a small featuress straight tube. thats all you need. a tube. of course, there are many different kinds of tube, so one must choose wisely. here are the two most common types and their subtypes.

straws- these are the original. available for free at pretty much any fast food joint, they are flexible, smooth, and easy to obtain. they come in several different varieties. However, they are quite flexible, and can easily be bent, torn, or broken from the rigors of everyday use. These are so easy to get you should never have to have to pay to get them. Next time you are in a fast food restaraunt, grab a handful of extra straws.

1. standard: these are normally about 10-12 inches long, and about 1/8-1/4 inches in interior diameter. these make great weapons, becasue their interior is very smooth, allowing excellent projectile sealing. their length also works in their favor, increasing the accuracy and velocity of the spitwad.

2. smoothie (aka- Large Caliber)- these are a little more rare, but can still be easily obtained at fast food joints. these straws are made for slurping up more viscous things like smoothies, milkshakes, and ice cream treats. They are usually larger in diameter, with the largest on I have ever seen being the Oreo McFlurry straws at McDonalds, which is 1/2 inch in diameter. they can vary greatly in length, but generally stay about the same length as a standard straw. these straws are usually made of touger materials, to withstand more extreme forces of food enjoyment. These are just as smooth as standard straws. Their larger diameter makes them capable of launching larger pieces of ammunition, but decreases their power by a bit, requiring more blowing to fire accurately.

3. Spoon straws- these are basically the same as the smoothie straws, except they have an end cut in the shape of a spoon to aide in scooping up stray goodies in the bottom of your cup. this spoon just gets in the way when shooting, and it is best to cut it cleanly off with some scissors or a knife to enable normal shooting.

4. Bendy straws: these are the same as standard straws, but they have a pleated section about 1/4 along their length that allows them to bend so you can drink more easily in tight situations. this bendy section makes them impossible to use for spitwads, unless you trim off the bendy end and use the smooth part. I usually avoid these.

Pen tubes- in the office or school environment, there is usually a large supply of pens. these range from the free cheap ones that were accidentally stolen, to expensive Mont Blancs that might have been purposefully stolen. in the spitwad business, we only really want the cheap ones. They can be found everywhere. desks, supply cupboards, the floor, waste baskets, pockets, backpacks, breifcases, or next to the box of Hello My Name Is stickers.

1. Cheap ballpoints- you know the type. about six inches long, and never work. the most common type (in the US at least) is the Bic Round Stic. they come in other brands but all are essentially the same. you can get them at office stores in huge boxes, or just look around. i guarantee you can find some easily. these are shorter than drinking straws and harder to get, but are practically indestructible. they are about 1/4 inch in diameter, or about 6.5mm.

2. other pens- this is basically a category including every other kind of pen. just go and dig through your pens, and you might find a winner. just keep in mind that all you are really looking for is a tube of acceptable length, with no holes, and a consistent diameter along it's length.

Note- to use most pens as spitwad shooters, the pen usually has to be deconstructed. this can be accomplished with teeth, fingernails, brute force, or a handy multitool, like the one in the photo, which i carry everywhere. just get creative and you can get a usuable tube.