Introduction: Top 10 Evil Techniques to Get Your Teen Out of Bed
Yes, the current system is rigged for the convenience of adults -- teens should be allowed to start school at noon and go to bed in the wee hours.
If you're blessed like me, you will begin each day in a battle to get your teen out of bed. ENJOY IT!! This is a rare opportunity to be evil with NO GUILT. After all, THEY BENEFIT from getting to school on time, right????
Step 1: Bacon . . .
Cook bacon . Place a small but tempting piece on each of 3 or 4 plates, put the dog outside (!), place plates on the floor leading from your teen’s room toward the bathroom. If necessary, wave the bacon near his/her nose.
Step 2: Puppy Love . . .
Borrow the neighbor’s puppy (you don’t want your own puppy, you have a teen!) and put it near your teen’s face. Licking will probably do the trick. If not, the puppy will soon pee on your teen and that should work.
Step 3: Heart to Heart . . .
Sit on the edge of your teen’s bed and say, “You know, we haven’t really talked for awhile. Do you have time or do you have to get up and get ready for school?”
Step 4: What I'm Talkin' About . . .
Set a radio/CD player, etc. on the far side of your teen’s room.
Turn it on to something gut-wrenchingly obnoxious.
Liberace leaps to MY mind, but Justin Bieber would probably be more effective.
Step 5: MOM -- Grossssss . . .
Climb in bed (under the covers) with your teen. Most kids will shout, “Ewwwwww, MOM!!!!” and leap out of bed. If your kid snuggles and asks for a backrub, it’s time for a new strategy. Try licking your child’s cheek – the urgent need to remove mom spit requires the sink.
Step 6: Do Me a Favor? . . .
Pay a sibling to stand in your teen’s doorway and flaunt that they are wearing your teen’s favorite shirt/outfit. Prepare to defend sibling from severe bodily injury.
Step 7: Brrrrrr . . .
Use an icy cold, wet washcloth. This is a fun and very effective tool. Let your imagination soar!
Step 8: P . . . U . . .
Rub something that smells disgusting on your teen’s pillow -- compost juice, cat piss, belly button jam, etc. Just to be safe, rub some on the sheet as well since your teen will undoubtedly chuck the pillow at you.
Step 9: Hon, Don't Move . . .
Place a spider [substitute your teen’s terror insect here] on your teen’s pillow. Casually mention it to your teen.
Step 10: Oh Look, Jessica Thinks You're Hot . . .
Make a show of connecting to your teen’s Facebook account – the snooping potential alone will horrify them. If necessary, tell them what nefarious and truly evil posts you have in mind. (NOTE: Use your teen’s cell phone for FB access – you probably won’t need a password.)
We have a be nice policy.
Please be positive and constructive.