My name is Bart Lewalski, last known human alive. I've been living in this here bunker since 1952, locked away from the nuclear wasteland the world has become. Most of the food that was stored away has either been eaten or gone bad. Everything but the Twinkies, that is. Let me tell you how I feel about eating nothing but the little Hostess snack, day in, day out, for the last few decades: they keep getting BETTER.
I've assembled a guide, for posterity's sake, of all the myriad uses I've found for them over the years. Wish somebody was out there that could enjoy it.
Step 1: The Basics: Fire
Well, the first thing you gotta do is cover all your survival basics.
Lots of people don't know, but you can make fire out of Twinkies. Just gotta let them dry out a bit, then you can rub them together like mad, add a little kindling and you got yourself a fire. You start rubbing before they're properly dried out, and you got yourself Twinkie pudding though. Which is also nice.
Step 2: Compass
Stick a needle through a Twinkie, put in a bowl of water, you've got yourself a compass. Not sure why that's useful down here, but there you go. Where do you get the water, you ask? Well, take two Twinkies, and use them as divining rods of course. Just gotta dig it up with a Twinkie shovel, which isn't too hard to make.
Step 3: Swiss Twinkie Survival Knife
All kinds of uses, this one. You might be wondering how I made this tool if I didn't have one to begin with? Well, that my friend, is a question you'll have plenty of time to ponder while you're busy surviving.
Step 4: Twinkie Batteries
Well, what else are you gonna power your Twinkie flashlight with? Sheesh. Just remember, cream-side is positive. Put them in backwards and all you've got is a Twinkie. Which is also nice.
Step 5: Hobbies: Improve Your Living Space
Well, you might think living alone would make me mighty bored. You'd be right. I find some good ways to keep myself busy. Here's a few you can try, too.
Just because you're living in a bunker doesn't mean you have to live in a dump. I have a nice little domicile I like to call Twinkiechello, made entirely out of old boxes. Even has some nice furniture in there, and I just finished putting in a fireplace. Puts a whole new meaning on "Home sweet home", heh heh.
Step 6: Twinkievision
Well, I bet you're wondering what to put in your new pad. I'll tell you the first thing I made: a full spectrum, eight inch screen TV (Twinkie-Vision). The wirey bits got a bit complicated and I had to consult a manual, but the base is made entirely of cake. It only gets four channels on a good day, and it's mostly reruns, but after a long day of surviving, nothing beats watching the old tube.
Step 7: Cold One
Nothing beats watching the old tube, except watching the tube with nice cold one. You can brew Twinkies into a nice pale ale. Crisp and refreshing!
Step 8: Painting
I like to take a break from surviving every now and then to perfect my interests.
You can mix the cream filling with pigment and make a nice paint. Use the back of boxes for canvas, and get to making some nice art. This here's a painting I made. I call it "Still Life with Apple, Banana, and Twinkie". Get it? Because I don't have any more apples or bananas. Whew, I get myself a laughing sometimes. I hung it in Twinkiechello over my fireplace.
Step 9: Gardening
Now, I've got a lot of Twinkies, but my supply isn't endless. I thought to myself one day, "Bart Lewalksi, if you planted a Twinkie, do you think it'd grow?" You know what? It sure did. Got about fifteen Twinkie plants growing in my nursery now. Fresh Twinkies? Now that's gourmet eating.
Step 10: Twinkie Cigar
Well, that's about it folks. After a full day of building and surviving, I like to start a fire, kick back in Twinkiechello, put on the TV, and have a nice stogie. Last known human alive, living like a king.