Dear sir or madam, the answer to all these problems (and more!), lies within a kombucha fermented from that Crucial-Unit-endorsed elixir of life, Turkey Hill Lemon Iced Tea.
Step 1: Ingredients
But, gentlereaders, there is a better way! With this method, no measurement is required, nor any complex and time-consuming preparatory procedures. No, friends, all that is required is a bottle of good Cold Fashioned Turkey Hill Iced Tea! The kind grandma used to make, only out of a plastic jug. This method will require a kombucha creature, however, these may be purchased on the black market in almost any corner of the world.
Step 2: Preparation
Now, simply decant your fine beverage (2007 was a good year) into a modest receptacle, which is acceptable for brewing. A medium to large sized jar will work fine.