After growing a full beard I shaved it into a rakish moustache, sure to tantalize even the most fickle mustachio aficionado. I soon noticed a change all around me, everywhere I went women were mesmerized and drawn to me, and men wanted duel in the streets.
Whoa, moustaches have a strange, powerful effect on people.
Don't take my word for it, here's some interesting trivia about just how awesome moustaches are:
- In a standard deck of playing cards the King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache.
- Scientific research, commissioned by the Guinness Brewing Company, found that the average mustachioed Guinness drinker traps a pint and a half of beer in their moustaches every year.
- On average a man with a moustache touches it 760 time in a 24 hr day.
- The oldest artifact portraying a moustache was from 300.BC
- Burt Reynolds is widely considered the world's 'Manliest Man' (c.1972), in no small part to his full moustache.
Men with moustaches are better lovers.Ok, I made that one up.
Follow along and learn 10 unusual uses for moustaches!
1 (citation needed)
Step 1: Disguise / Villian / 80's Trucker
Here we have a classic example of someone who would seamlessly blend into any background. Non-descriptive bland clothing, oversize hat, mirrored-shades and a moustache..who was that man? Maybe we'll never know.
Nothing makes you look more sinister than a devious moustache. I could probably trust this guy if it wasn't for the moustache, I mean look at him: Cape, top hat, cane, he could be a magaici....wait a minute. Is that a moustache? He went from possible magic-performer to the antagonist from just about every episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle.
If wearing white shutter-shades, high-boxed baseball caps and neon isn't enough, throw a moustache into the mix and *bam!*; automatic 80's credentials. You'll look so authentic Marty McFly wouldn't even question which time you're from. Make sure you make that awkward 80's face we all made back then, too, it really sells the look.
Step 2: Soup Strainer
If you let your lip-fur grow untamed eventually the hairs will grow past your upper lip and form a sieve before your mouth, kind of like how blue whales strain out krill. Your floaty bits would be the soup equivalent to krill, and you, dear reader, would be the whale.
Step 3: Decision Maker
During my time in some high-glossed cedar-walled office I waxed on about "How Q2 was under-performing due to new tax legislation" and that "the new CAO had not yet received adequate consultation on the last GIPS". The other corporate Bigwigs and I hobnobed for a while; we laughed some, drank a snifter of brandy and smoked a cigar, I'm also pretty sure I fired a few people too before I left, for good measure.
Making important decisions is hard but moustache and I pulled it off like pros.
Step 4: Cookie Duster
The only ones I could find were some old, dusty ones hidden in the back of the cupboard. Sensing that my moustache was becoming hungry I decided that eating them would be the wiser then not eating, thereby upsetting my new mouth-friend, despite the amount of dirt that had acumulated on top of each cookie.
My moustache was only too happy to help out, carefully dusting the top of each one before entering my mouth. While my moustache swept I enjoyed clean (albeit stale) cookies. What a team!
Step 5: Mustache Rides
I don't know what that means, and even the roadside-gypsy I later consulted about an interpretation was dumbstruck.
Step 6: New Trichotillomania Site
Seriously, Mike, stop it.
Step 7: Shoe/nail/dish Brush
Shoe polish application:
I discovered that my moustache was perfect for applying a good coat of polish to my nice dress shoes, the grain of the leather really took the polish with the application from such a stiff, natural bush.
My nails were covered with compound after applying the polish, so I took a shower and managed to get my nails clean while cleaning my moustache!
Later that evening it was my turn to help wash the dishes, regrettably my moustache volunteered before I could and I ended up washing dishes with my moustache until my face became all pruney.
Step 8: Foamy Frappe Remover
Only today it's different, I came prepared with my own foamy frappe remover! My moustache was able to hold back the tasty topping and allow me to get to the frozen caffeinated goodness below.
Teamwork, it's a beautiful thing.
Step 9: Air Bubble Retention
Depending on how long your moustache is it may be long enough to trap air bubbles, thereby giving you a few additional precious seconds to stay underwater and evade capture. Just like in A View to a Kill with James Bond, except you're not using a car tire to stay alive just the air your moustache has trapped on your descent. Which is probably plenty, or at least more than your smooth-faced comrades.
Just look at the pictures, I can see at least 3 solid bubbles there. That's got to be.. what, 5 minutes of air? With all these bubbles around and my moustache-cum-air-trapper you might as well just give me a snorkel.
Step 10: Chin Puppet
Here's a quick clip from an evening where the gnome is given a cigarette that he doesn't want:
Step 11: Bonus: a Fresh Face
Through my moustache travels I discovered that though some women find the allure and mystique of a moustached man irresistible, but most prefer a smooth shave to be close to. After shaving my face I went looking for a big sloppy kiss to try and authenticate my smooth-face theory, but being single I had to improvise for this picture, but you get the idea.
Do you have a crazy moustache?! I want to see it!
Post a picture in the comments of your awesome real or fake moustache and you'll get a digital patch!
Action shots of something crazy get 3-month Pro memberships!