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Balancing Relationships Answered

Right so my bestfriend is jealous of what my boyfriend and I have, or what I have with him... She told me yesterday that I am a completely different person when I'm around him and that it makes him not right for me... With her I try to have actual conversations but it just turns in to he's saying how cute Kyle Busch looks, or Carl Edwards without a shirt, or her talking about finding her teachers attractive, I always know what Mr, D is wearing, McGee from NCIS (I personally find DiNozzo more attractive). With him though I don't have to worry about hearing how good Mr.Alex looked in his new black shirt and out of style glasses... He and I have talked politics, hunting, and movies that she refuses to watch because she thinks they'll be boring, like, "Shooter" with Mark Whalberg... Is it that my personality is different or just that with my boyfriend I am able to explore my mind more and talk about things other than attractive men and Kevin Harvick in tight pants... I'm obviously not good at having a best friend and a boyfriend, I need some serious help on this subject...

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Happy2917 (author)2008-12-05

She's told me that she's jealous of his and my relationship... I think he should be jealous of mine and hers if anything... I don't think it's that she's jealous of our relationship but jealous that instead of me hanging out with her all the time when he has free time I want to go hang out with him.. Hell, I live with her and her parents and little sister, so I'm around her all the time... I don't think she should get mad at me for wanting to spend time with him... It's not that she yells and complains. but she gets quiet, distant and she glares... which I think is worse because I would rather go to the park where no one is eavesdropping and let her yell at me so that at least I can understand how she feels...

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Goodhart (author)Happy29172008-12-05

I do think she has something to get over though, whatever it is that is causing her reaction. :-) Oh, and BTW, just an FYI, if you reply to someone and want them to get notice of it in their comments list, click on the REPLY button just below that comment, and that way they know you are replying to them. It helps keep longer conversations tidy. Thanks.

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Happy2917 (author)Goodhart2008-12-05

Right.. I noticed the reply button after I made my last comment... thanks... Yeah, thought I feel bad telling her that I think she should find someone else to hang out with while he and I are off together.. Of course I would say it a lot nicer than that... but I just feel like a bad friend when I decide to hang out with him instead of her...

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Goodhart (author)Happy29172008-12-05

. but I just feel like a bad friend when I decide to hang out with him instead of her...

You needn't feel that way (unless you have totally neglected her ALL the time, and from what I already know about you, I doubt you do that). Don't let her make you feel guilty either, she is not the only person in the world that can be your friend :-)

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Happy2917 (author)Goodhart2008-12-06

When I'm with him I kinda feel like I've lost my best friend... And with what we've been through in the past 9 years she is the only one who I would like as a friend... I don't want to lose either of them because of them... I think that's my biggest issue.. I'm afraid of losing both of them...

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Goodhart (author)Happy29172008-12-06

Well, from your description, it doesn't sound like you are offending him in any way, so I don't think that is a worry. I understand about losing an old friend, it is hard, especially if they go for reasons that you may feel are your fault.
You still have to come to grips with: it isn't wrong to have a male friend, also, in addition to your old friend. And, of course, for this to work out perfectly, and in a perfect world, she would realize this too. But that may not occur. You may have to someday decide who is driving YOUR bus", you or her. Your happiness is at stake.

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Happy2917 (author)Goodhart2008-12-06

Thank you this is wonderful advice, really... I've tried talking with her about it but she's being stubborn... I'll keep trying... and as for driving busses, I've learned from personal experience that it is fun, so I think I would like to be in charge of the navigation as well as the petals...

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Goodhart (author)Happy29172008-12-06

and as for driving busses, I've learned from personal experience that it is fun, so I think I would like to be in charge of the navigation as well as the petals...

Good for you :-)

The phrase, "who's driving your bus" btw, I borrowed from Dr. Wayne Dryer, a motivational speaker of a few years ago :-)

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Happy2917 (author)Goodhart2008-12-07

Oh.. well.. maybe I should go check out some motivational speeches..

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Goodhart (author)Happy29172008-12-07

I really like Dr. Denis Waitley if you can find anything by him still :-)

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Happy2917 (author)Goodhart2008-12-07

I shall look him up... thank you

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killerjackalope (author)2008-12-06

I've had a mate turn round and say that I'm spending too much time with a girl, he was grumpy because he thought he was losing a mate, she was mad because she thought I was messing with her, some times there's no winning exactly, the best advice I can give is don't see them both as the same time... Though if you're miffed by your friends inability to talk seriously about anything other than who has shinier nipples then maybe you aren't paying as much attention as you used to, for a decent reason like a real conversation... I've usually ended up the other way round, friend with good serious chats and relationship with inane conversation... Granted either way round it's finding a balance, if he's not bothered then that's a positive thing, at least one of them is rational about it...

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ummm.. wow... good idea.. not being around both of them at the same time... but what would you do if you got the 3rd degree after you got back from handing out with your girl... hypothetically you live with him and you go out... when would YOU do when YOU got home in order to keep things cool and happy?

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Happy2917 (author)2008-12-05

Well I am a girl... She has been my friend for going on 9 years now, I haven't been rude to her, it just that when he's around she gets distant to me. When she and I are together and he's around it sorta feels like I've lost my best friend for awhile, she gets quiet and glares at him a lot... He and I have been dating for over 2 years now and I hardly get to see him as it is but when he stops in she leaves after a few minutes and it makes me feel bad because she doesn't look happy when she walks away... I'm not nicer to him than I am her... I'm sarcastic to both of them in a rude way, but they know I'm joking.. other than that I feel that I'm mostly the same around both of them, except that the topic of out conversations are completely different...

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guyfrom7up (author)2008-12-04

Well, I don't now how that goes for girls (I am assuming your a girl, hoping your a girl, lol) but for guys: guys act different around girls, and me and my friends do it all the time, and I'm fine with it, as long as they don't lie and not be true to themselves, for example, acting better than you really are, I mean you can be more polite than usual (I mean that's to be expected), but as long as your arn't being a jerk to your friends, cause I mean, not to be harsh, that person will only be your BF/GF (we're talking highschool here) for up to a couple month (or sometimes it's only weeks) or maybe even a year (only know 1 or 2 people who's relationship that has gone that long. After that it's usually pretty akward and you don't really hang out with them that much (well, it depends on the relationship). But your friends (if they're good friends) are always going to be your friends.

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Happy2917 (author)2008-12-04

never thought about it that way... I was afraid that maybe it was my fault, that I'm different around him than I am her... but I guess it also could be that I get to be more of myself around him than I can around her... thanks for the advice...

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Goodhart (author)Happy29172008-12-04

that I'm different around him than I am her

That is to be expected, really, when you think about it. You would probably look at the two relationships in different ways too. Your other friend is just being jealous, or so it seems to me. I hope this helps :-)

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Goodhart (author)2008-12-04

From you description, it sounds like you have become better friends or maybe closer friends with your boyfriend then with the girl. It seems as though she is the one wanting you to be "not who you are"; that is, she is having you be "someone else" and therefor is 'changing you'. With him, you sound as though you can relax and be yourself.

I may be all wet here, but that is what it looks like to me.

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