From My Brother: Halloween Advice Answered
It's getting close to Halloween, so very strange things are about to happen, therefore please use these helpful hints this and every year. 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. 2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. 4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. 5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone. 6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well. 8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT! 9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out. 10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. 11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. 12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. 13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. 15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. 16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. 17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. 18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices. 19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. 20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard. 21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside. 22. Machine-guns can't kill EVERYTHING. 23. If you happen to come upon a giant web or nest, DO NOT look for what made it. 24. If you find that your puppet is not how you left it the night before, find the axe. If you own a fireplace, that sometimes works better. 25. Don't wear extremely loose clothing, as it will catch on something as you are running away. 26. Do not chase after the big monster trying to camcord it, you WILL die. 27. Do not pet a foaming dog. 28. BELIEVE ALL URBAN LEGENDS. 29. If you have to pair up, do not go with the snobby rich guy, he will be one of the first to die. 30. If you find a secret doorway, don't go exploring it, chances are something happened in there. 31. Not all clowns are happy. 32. If the housekeeper never smiles and/or seems to hate you, do them and yourself a favor and leave. 33. Just because you come in peace doesn't mean they do. 34. Learn to scream AND run, it will save your life. 35. Never give hitch-hikers a ride. 36. If the crazy old man says leave, take his advice; what do you think made him crazy? 37. Unless your neighbor is a grave keeper or a gardener, carrying a shovel is not a good sign. HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!