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I am SO tired.... Answered

I am just SO tired of not being able to be who I am. 
If I am kind to children, I become a molester,
if I let my feelings go with free reign, am outlandish
if I don't let my feelings out, I am unfeeling,
if I speak the truth, I am a heratic
if I hold on to fantasy, I am bonkers.

If I talk about who I am, what I am, people don't want to hear it, and eventually deny it altogether;
so I can NEVER be who I am around most people.
.. (obviously "around" means in person).

I can't win.


Also, 
Can ANYONE on line truly know me, in any real capacity ?   Can anyone have experienced the tremendous struggles I have
with sensory overload?  Can any of you REALLY know how much I struggle day in and day out to not become cynical like the
tv character HOUSE ? 
I mean,  really ? 



Discussions

Christmas is a bummer. It is a celebration of happy extended family. Get a motel room and watch I Love Lucy reruns.

Here's how I cope with Normals.
I have Aspergers business cards that I hand out, to remind people that I am "handicapped." That magic word will back off all but the most belligerent drunk. Here's what I have on those cards:
http://orderofsaintpatrick.org/aspergers/plus-minus.htm

Get Temple Grandin's book, Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. It shows you the biggest land mines we ignorantly step on. I know, once she wrote the book, the title was obsolete. Rule 4 is "Honesty is Different than diplomacy." That rule grates on my nerves, but that's the way the world works.

Find people like yourself. As a mathematical/musical Aspergers, go look up esoteric special interest groups. It is "old home week." I'm a member of a Linux User's group -- they're just like myself.

My main specialty is Christian intercession. The folks in the church put up with my eccentricities because I know a lot of stuff they absolutely don't know about the Christianity they espouse.

Learn body language. "The Power of Body Language" was written by Tony Reiman who writes like an Aspergers. The acting field is full of Aspergers who found out how to act normal and did it up brown. They can act -- but they can't do small talk.

It isn't the "season" that is the problem....it is the willful ignorance that bothers me. I don't know everything, but once I learn something, I don't, on purpose "forget to think" and unlearn it. It's insane....even at the age of 53, I have a hard time JUST SHUTTING UP. *sigh*

That's because people have confused your silence as counseling. They just dump their garbage on you. But any counselor needs one hour of unloading for every eight hours of listening to others.

When we talk to others, we transmit information instead of body language. They don't want to hear that. We are considered boring, strange, stupid, etc. But eventually we just HAVE to talk, despite their disinterest.

That's why I recommended finding a techie group in your field of interest. They will gladly talk to you about your mutual field of interest -- and about what's happening in your life. But expect that they have been burned by normals just like you have.

Yes, but in the middle of Amish Country so they are few and in between...

Some will go SO far to justify their belief system so as to actually refuse help to those in need; they literally hobble those that could spared much uneeded pain and suffering. This makes me very sad.

Again, I see this with persons I know "in person" not so much on line and definitely not in Instructables.

Be outlandish
Be feeling
Be a heratic
Be bonkers
Be happy

-sort it out man.

L*

*38 today!

Happy B-day (if that is what your last line meant) :-)

If I "allow myself to be myself" I am afraid I will lose the only friends I have (in the locality where I live).  It is a real fear because of things I've heard

Thanks man.
Listen; a friend is someone who you trust to be right with you (and by derivation never do wrong by you or let you down)*. The friends you refer to either are or are not, irrespective.
Think about this; if people don't really know who you are (because you're hiding stuff) how can they really be your friends?

L

*You know how to do this, I think that you're everyone's friend and that's a good thing.

It isn't that I am hiding stuff, so much as I should not be "correcting others" constantly....If I think of it that way, maybe I can avoid problems :-)

You can think a person to be wrong, but if you're to say so it should achieve something positive.
Your best reasoning might be "OK, I could- but it's not going to end up with anything being better, so I won't this time."

L

I know, it is just difficult, you know its the old:

duty_calls.png

: )
Yes, but if I have someone in my bed there aren't many things more important to me.

L

I meant that as an analogy for the situation I mention, and how I "deal with it". Is someone is wrong and being loud about it, it is hard for me to "remain silent"....which is why Geeks get "beat up" a lot LOL

I know the analogy, I was being "alternative" about the situation.
A good question to ask is "what difference will it make?". Will you feel any better, will anyone learn anything useful?

L

Exactly, as long as I can stop the "knee jerk" reaction I sometimes have...I will be ok. It DOES seem as though I was a bit paranoid last week, when I submitted this....

Paranoia is a label for irrational thinking, and you do well to say "Nothing significant went wrong, so I guess it was paranoia."

L

One thing is for sure, I am discovering who my real friends are. They are the ones that do not deny me as a person, what I have experienced in the past, what I can be in the future, and especially what I AM right now.

I am soooo tired of defending "WHO  I AM" to people.  Even some here at Instructables.  If they'd EVER have to live inside my head for one day, many of them would end up in a ward. Enough said.

Learn to care less, and don't think that no one else has an "untidy" space in their heads.

L

Exactly. The impossibility of objective access to the inner mental life of another person cuts both ways. 

"Can ANYONE on line truly know someone else, in any real capacity ? Can anyone have experienced the tremendous struggles everyone else has with many things? Can you REALLY know how much everyone struggles day in and day out with their problems? I mean, really ?"

The "Also" is a later addition, and the answer is no.
All that only matters to the self, people want to spend more time thinking about how other people know them to be. That just has to be right, and nothing more.

L

I know, it just fits well with what I was saying.

Of course the answer is no...for everyone. The point is that everyone has private struggles - which is something I have to remind myself of often.

I'm not sure what you mean by your last sentence however. Do you mind expanding on that?

If you act right you can be confident about what you're doing, doubt comes from being uncertain (obviously). A person's actions & words need to be defensible, but they don't need to be approved of.

L

Doubting that someone is "all of their past experience" is literally calling the person a liar though. If I am doubted, that is fine, just so they don't doubt that I am going to be a help to someone that is very much like myself; whether they believe I am me or not. :-)

I think you are conflating "me" with "Aspergers."

I believe people are more than their gender, financial status, mental health, religion, employment, family history, and all such factors.

I have not called you a liar. I have not denied your existence. I have not doubted that you are all of your past experience. I have not said that asperger's does not exist.

I have expressed a level of personal doubt that _you_ personally have asperger's, based on your posts (which doubts other users, you will recall, have previously expressed on the forums), and that Einstein, Mozart, etc had it. I have not claimed to have a degree in psychology. I have not claimed to be qualified to diagnose anyone. I have not said that I am an expert in the field.

That does not mean, however, that I cannot have nor express any opinion on the matter. What I have said is that based on what I have studied and independently read (including history of the discipline), that it is my opinion that your posts do not reflect the criteria. I have also commented that I believe the condition in general is overdiagnosed (an opinion which is certainly not unique to me).

I have especially said that I *strongly* disagree that Asperger's is a gift, and that it is a disorder (or syndrome if you like; there is disagreement within the field about what to call it). I do not agree that "Aspies are superior." At all.

I'm sorry if that upsets you. I've not meant to. None of it has anything to do with ill will towards you, and none of it is a denial that you have real problems you are dealing with, or that you can be (and are!) a positive influence in the life of others. For indeed you are. :-)

"I have expressed a level of personal doubt that _you_ personally have asperger's,"

and

"I have not called you a liar."

are in direct contradition to one another, from my point of view......again, as I mentioned in my pm, I am sorry if I came "back" overly strong, but I felt betreyed that all of  what I know of the "spectrum" (asperger's is not a narrow conduit of any kind, but is a wide spanned spectrum) and how it applies to my past and present,  and how I relate to those "on the specturm" so much better then those "not on the specturm";  it was akin to saying I either am lying or I son't exist.  


Something I haven't mentioned  in detail is how the youngster I will be helping "contacted me". 
As I was at her age, she is almost hadicapped by her shyness and inability to stand being hugged more then for a few seconds before sensorial overload occurs.   She has to be reminded, at the end of meetings (church) to go give her grandparents a hug,  and that pretty much consists of going over and leaning against them. 

One day a few weeks ago, before being prompted by anyone, she came over and actually gave me a short hug.   She has done so ever since...

Her one grandma, whom I have known for over 35 years,  doubted that she was on the specturm....but, after meeting one day, we all went out to eat.   She watched the youngster and I (we were seated across frorm each other) and that hour and a half segmant of observation, convinced her that the child was "very much like me" in how we reacted to others, to food, to noise, to changes in the environment, etc. etc.   She litereally told me she thought she was watching us mirror one another, even when we weren't looking at each other.   

When she shows me her dinosaur projects,  her volcano, her bug collection, etc. etc.  she sees me being genuinely interested.   Not like grandparents are when they say "oh that's nice".  

NONE of this proves anything, but I am not out to prove anything anymore. I really am just tired of arguing, of seeking approval, of looking to others for encouragement......I find it enthralling that I may be able to make a tremendous difference in a young life.......and that is enough for me.   
So, once again, my apologies for "reacting" as I did,  I let my guard down, and just forgot how I am normally reactied to. It does no good for me  to reciprocate in kind.   I really am sorry.  

I did NOT say you are a liar. There is in fact a distinction to be drawn here. Lying implies intent to tell untruth, which I do not attribute to you. Lying does not include inadvertent, but sincere, expression of something which is or may be inaccurate. I think it's _possible_ you have said something that is inaccurate, not that you've lied. The two are not synonymous.

Again - to say that is not to deny that you exist. It is to say that it is my belief that something you believe about yourself isn't accurate. I'm not saying asperger's isn't real or valid. I know you appreciate the value of healthy skepticism, of questioning things when they don't match up to what you know; that's all I'm doing. I do not attribute anything bad or wrong to you, nor am I trying to hurt you.


I think it is absolutely wonderful that you can make a difference in someone's life. Everyone can do that, and I'm glad you are.

*sigh* It appears as if I can not even communicate this properly.....I look at my past, and it "ALL" fits. So, what else can I say? I "felt" personally attacked (it may not have been what you intended....but I felt that way); my bad if that was inaccurate, but then, in a way, it was to be expected....healthy skepticism is great for things that I have not "been a part of", but my past is my past, and I have hidden it well in the present.

The only way I am able to make that difference I mentioned,  is through the simularities between her and I.   I have been deluging her Mom and Dad with information, since the evaluation was finished. 

No matter how similar anyone is to someone else however, there are big differences too.
For instance, John Elder Robinson had a horrible childhood in many respects and makes mine look like a picnic. Nevertheless, there are SOME things that "ring true" showing we both "think alike" in several ways despite the wild and varied and very different  experiences (BTW:  he was the author of:  Look Me In The Eye:  my life with asperger's).   I find those similarities fascinating. Things none of my peers nor nearby neighbors ever had in common with me.

Again, I do try not to jump to conclusions, but in this case I see I have.    Still, I am asking you to try to understand my "feelings";  I do have them; oddly placed as they may appear.    :-) 

PS:  this post has been edited 8 times before submitting.... ;-)

(Thanks for the link - that was at lemonie, but I'll have to watch the video later.)

Please PLEASE if you have epilepsy or any form of sensorial difficulties, do NOT watch that video. It can cause an overload, even though it is not really as "bad" as an actual episode of 4-5 senses bombarding me at once. It does give a kind of general feel for what it is like at times.

It is nearly impossible for me to "care" less. But I know what you mean, I have to stop caring about what others think. I have found a new lease on life again, and a new purpose, and no one is taking it away from me with their "opinion" of what is or isn't. Denial of reality is not going to hold me back. Recusancy is going to be my middle name among the naysayers and all those that need the world to be neat and tidy and "just like they believe it should be". But still, it makes me sad that so many can only see what they believe, rather then believe what they see.

There isn't an us if there is me and the other that denies I am me...... if "others" deny that I even am....how else can I veiw that but "them" also, that is how I am viewed apparantly

No one can deny you exist; who would they be talking about?
Use your brain to understand "them", then you can feed them the right information about you - then you can achieve a state of "us".

L

They deny "who and what" I am....isn't that just short of denying I am at all?

Using my brain doesn't always help.....I understand "what" they are saying, but why they have become that way is beyond me. I only have the information I have, I have given it, and it is not acceptable apparently. I have given up on trying to get support for the enthusiasm I feel in the up coming weeks and months. I have an oppurtunity to do some real good in a young person's life...to help them avoid some of the horrors I went through as a child because no one knew "what to do with me" at the time.

People can be happy I am finaly able to really make a difference or they can deny that any difference is there TO be made.  I don't really need their approval.  And they don't have to sanction my nor anyone else's diagnoses.  

And I am going to have a HECK OF A LOT OF FUN doing it too.  :-)   Despite the lack of enthusiam some of my peers show me

Yea go for it, have a lot of fun.

L

Oh I am already having fun.....just planning things.

So far, I have a complex model of a life sized, Hadogenes troglobyte with see through skin for her to assemble.

She likes volanoes too, so I have purchased one of the Discovery Channel's table sized models and will be modifying the sound effects, adding lights, and sparks and smoke to the "lava colored starchy solution" they use as lava.    I want this to be realistic.   :-)

Already I have thought about dinosaur models (another one of her obsessions)  and making the scoprion I mentioned earlier, move in some way (motorized claws, etc).     I can hardly get things written down or spoken into my digital note taker as fast as I come up with ideas, sometimes.    Expect some instructables before the end of next year....I want to try to document the building, modding and displaying of these teaching tools.     :-)  

Yes, I "overthink" way too often.

Have you tried sublimating the knee-jerk into something non-verbal, such as a Spock-style arching of an eyebrow before turning silently to your computer terminal (or book)?

Yeah, it is catching it before it is acted on that becomes the problem....thankfully this is easier to work on then say, angry outbursts that tend to be hard to predict at times. :-)

Perhaps by "correcting " others, you think you are helping. Instead you are inadvertantly critisizing them, and that will indeed provoke hostility. I know that is never your intention Mike.That doesn't mean you can not relay your information at all, just in a kinder way. Native North Americans always patterned responses with a positive comment, then their information, and then a positive comment. It's a good pattern to be familiar with, and will help with interpersonal skills. You are a loved member of this community Mike, please don't forget that!

The "correcting" is explaining that I really DID go through what I did in the past, that I am not lying about it, that I have been evaluated as AS, that a young friend of mine, who picked me out of a crowd of others is now also evaluated as AS, and that I will be able to help guide her as she grows, in ways to avoid the mess I went through because I didn't know I was AS.....but it is those that deny I am who and what I am, the get my goat.

There is a book titled "All Cats Have Asperger's". I haven't read it , but it may help to educate those around you. It got good reviews on Amazon.

I have it, it helped a friend of mine seek evaluation......it is great for the very young and for the very uninformed.....very nice book, a bit short for the price....but it has become a great help for those nearby.....for those on the web, it is of no use however :-)

0
user
onrust

6 years ago

Hey man, Facebook has an option where you can recommended suicide prevention ........wait is this a cry for help? Is your head in the oven? Are you sucking on a tailpipe? The holidays DO suck

PS: to quell your fears, I DO see a therapist for my AS, and co-dependency; and so they make sure I am not dropping into that kind of depression :-)

No, I would never take my own life. It is just SO tiresome to fight a world of ignorance (specifically, decided on ignorance; i.e. "those that decide they MUST remain ignorant in order to remain the same") and ill treatment. The holidays have nothing to do with it.....just things happening that are culminating from a build up the last 20+ years or so...

I am not too good at baking, but I can send you a  PI