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Is this a good poem? Answered

The Boy-

lost in deep thought
tooken away by his actions
he played a game with the devil and lost
hes being tammed
brokendown in a deep depression
how could he do that to her
making her trapped forever
soon he will see what a mistake he made
his face turns red as blood with embaresment
of what people think
hes a ticking timebomb
he'll never last

I wrote this in my english class today do you think its good or bad?

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cvianna1Best Answer (author)2010-03-07

Ok here's the deal. I think I kind of know where your trying to go with this, so here is what I'd do to fix it:

Lost, deep in thought, taken away by his actions
He played a game with the devil and lost
He has been tamed. Broken
Deep in depression

How could he do that to her, trapping her forever
Soon he will see his mistake
His face turning red as blood
Embarrassed by what people think

A ticking bomb
He'll never last

By grouping your ideas in separate verses you can transition from one concept to the next, just like starting a new paragraph when you introduce a new idea or information. Also you needed to be more consistent with your tenses,  and verb tense agreement.

One of the most important and hardest aspects of good poetry is word economy. Make every word count... "a ticking time bomb" is redundant.
Think active voice and strong statements. More words weaken the imagery and emotional impact.

These are not absolutes and this isn't the only way to edit it. Its just one way. Good luck.

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Leslie skittlez (author)2014-04-24
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orksecurity (author)2010-03-04

(Remember, you asked.)

For your age, good first draft.

I agree that the first step is to fix the English errors. Unless you're deliberately trying to write in dialect -- but generally that's a Bad Idea unless the poem makes it obvious why you're doing so.

Beyond that: A poem doesn't have to rhyme, or scan, or alliterate... but (personal opinion) it needs to have at least _some_ organizing principle which the reader can detect. Otherwise, however poetic the individual phrases may be, I don't consider it poetry, or at least not good poetry.

Again a matter of personal taste: For me, the image never quite comes clear, and the fuzzy areas aren't ones which seem calculated to engage the reader. It's OK not to say what he did, but "trapped forever" seems a strange choice of phase for anything I can think that he might have done.

Again, personal taste: The last five lines read like a revenge fantasy. Not my style.

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Amanda101 (author)orksecurity2010-03-10

I was in english and we nad a local poet come in and talk to us and he made us write a short poem but before he did that he read us a few poems
 
he read this poem that kinda described this guy in my class and what hes going through and i could tell as the guy was reading he was thinking

i wrote the poem from what he was feeling and how i felt about his problem and i dont it just turned out that way and i guess the last 5 lines are kinda my feelings about him

but thanks for reading it

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steveastrouk (author)2010-03-04

Appalling spelling and grammar draws one's thoughts away from the message of the poem.
3/10  must do better.
Steve

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Burf (author)steveastrouk2010-03-04

"Appalling spelling and grammar..."

+1

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LoneWolf (author)2010-03-04

Except for some spelling errors, it's definitly well written. Nice Job :)

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