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Post your best jokes here!!! Answered

Whoever posts the best damn joke there is (judged by me) will win a free patch.(not a huge prize, but I hope you still try)

Note: The jokes should be appropriate, with no bad language. (8+)

The comp has been won! ilpug won with his hilarious panda joke! I hope you all enjoyed each others jokes!

15 Replies

Downunder35m (author)2017-11-29

Bit of a long one to prepare but we loved doing it in our school years, so maybe time to try it again?

You pick the phonebook and find some random person living a few streets away.
Now gather your friends and start calling this person in a manner like this (and always hang up right after you finnished):
"Oh, hello, this is Ally, can you please tell Tom that we come about half an hour later? Thanks you"
Next call:
"Morning! We just want to confirm that all meat for the BBQ and the drinks will arrive together with the catering service as discussed earlier, have a nice day!"
"Just got the message from Tom but he is not answering his mobile phone, the DJ said he will need at least five outlet in the garden for the music and another 6 for the lights. Can you please get from from the hardware store? Thanks!"

You can continue over the next hour or so and then finally:
"Hello, this is Tom, I was wondering if anyone left any messages for me?"

Use your imagination for what you get in return for asking ;)

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Msitets (author)2017-11-29

A man's wife asks him to go out and get her cigarettes. So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He
goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he
sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of
beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in
her flat.

After they've had their fun, he realizes that it's after midnight and
says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any
talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to
rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is
waiting for him and she is pretty annoyed.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asks.

"Well, darling, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I
saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing
led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"

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coolcrafter101 (author)2016-11-15

Guy walks into a bar.

Ba Dum Tis!

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coolcrafter101 (author)2016-11-15

Hedgehogs, why can't they just share the hedge.

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camping crazy (author)2014-02-22

Two idiots are walking in the park when one of them stops suddenly and points at the ground he says whats that. The other guy says it looks like poop...smell it. So the other guy smells it...smells like poop. Then touch it... so the other guy touches it...feels like poop. Taste it...so the first guy tastes it...Tastes like poop. Second guy says Good thing we didnt step in it!!! Then they both walked away looking satisfied!!!

A blonde was driving along on the highway when a police officer pulled her over came up to her window and said license and registration please. She looked up at him and angrily said you guys really need to get your act together just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you!!

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jlear4 (author)2013-07-20

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it

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Attmos (author)2012-08-08

Why are pirates so funny? They just AARRRR!

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Attmos (author)2012-08-08

A man walks into a bar....Ouch!

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Lotsa Bad Luck (author)2012-08-01

What bug has 12 legs and is green with red spots?
I don't know but it's crawling up you leg!

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Lotsa Bad Luck (author)2012-08-01

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Klingons are not afraid of the dark!


How many Cocker Spanials does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They don't need the light to pee on the carpet.


How does Bill Gates change a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb up and the universe rotates around him.

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Lotsa Bad Luck (author)2012-08-01

A man walks into a bar with a piece of blacktop in his hand and says to the bartender:
"I'll take 2 drinks. One for me and one for the road."

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onrust (author)2012-07-12

Did you hear about the new pirate movie? Its rated Ahrrrrrr :)

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onrust (author)2012-07-12

A dope walks into a bar with a pile of dog poop in his hand and says "look what I almost stepped in!"

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ilpug (author)2012-05-29

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, then calmly eats it. When he is finished, he pulls a gun from his fur, fires a shot into the ceiling, then puts the gun away, and walks out. The bartender is understandably freaked out, and asks his patrons what the hell just happened. One guy produces a dictionary and tells the bartender: "Se,, that was perfectly normal behavior, actually. See, under the dictionary definition for panda it says "Giant panda, native of China. Eats shoots and leaves.""


A man walks into a bar with a bag. He sits down at the bar, and from the bag produces a lizard, a tiny piano, and a butterfly. The lizard begins to play amazing music on the piano, while the butterfly sings a magnificent aria. Everyone in the bar is amazed, and one guy says: "That's amazing!"
"Nah," says the man, "It's not what it seems like, you see, the lizard is a ventriloquist. "

And the last...

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He sets it on the bar, and pulls a little man and a tiny piano out of it. The tiny man begins to play the piano. Everyone in the bar is amazed, and huddles around the man to watch. Suddenly, a man runs in and says
"You guys aren't going to this, but there's a big truck out front, and the back popped open and a huge cloud of ducks flew out!" The man at the bar with the tiny piano and the little man says
"Damn, those were my ducks!" The bartender is getting really curious by now, so he walks up and asks the man
"So buddy, where did you get this little man and all the ducks?" The man replies,
"I rubbed a bottle and out comes a genie, who offered me two wishes. He was a little deaf though, unfortunately." The bartender asks
"What do you mean he was deaf?" The man replies
'Well, do you think I would have wished for a million bucks and a ten inch pianist?"


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Nostalgic Guy (author)2012-05-29

A 75 year old man is driving his car somewhat erratically down a main road at 3.00am when he is pulled over by the police.
As the cop leans into the window the old man asks "is there some sort of problem officer?"
"You seem to be having some trouble keeping control of your car sir" he replied "where are you off to at this time of the morning sir?" he asked noting the smell of whisky on the old guys breath.
Well office it's like this, drawled the driver obviously more than a little bit the worse for drink "I'm on my way to a lecture about the consequences of constantly staying out late smoking cigars mixing with loose women & drinking too much"
"Oh yes sir" says the cop thinking the old man is obviously feeding him a line "and who would be giving a lecture at this time in the morning?"
"Well my wife of course" said the old guy smiling...

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