Introduction: Mustachioed Pistachio

Sure, pistachios are delicious. But are they distinguished?

Until now... no. They were prepubescentally envious of the coconut's lustrous locks. But with some glue, googly eyes, and felt, you too may confer rugged masculinity onto your nuts.

Step 1: Supplies

glue (quick-dry with a fine tip)
batting (for the old man)
googly eyes

Step 2: Eyes

Using tiny dots of glue, stick on the eyes. Changing the location of the eyes will change the ultimate face shape. Experiment for yourself. 

Best bet: put your eyes on the side of the nut opposite where it naturally rests. You'll appreciate it when your pistachios stand on their own.

Step 3: Mustache

Cut your mustache material to size and shape. Glue it below the eyes.

For the fu manchu, cut a square of felt. Then cut out a smaller square to leave a u-shaped chunk of felt. You can massage the felt to look more mustachey.

For the old man, use some batting or a cotton ball. Roll it in your fingers until it holds its shape.

Step 4: Throw Tiny, Ironic Parties

Listen to something you read about on Pitchfork that you don't actually like but torrented because the description sounded smart and the album got an 8.9.

Arrange your pistachios in small groups around thimbles full of Tecate or PBR. Occasionally have them say things like, "The natural honey at the farmers market is full of chemicals. I get mine locally and sustainably from a bee named Dave I met at Coachella before it was mainstream."

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