Introduction: The Lazy Bachelor's Guide to Jalapeno Poppers

About: I'm crazy about gardening, although I've got a LOT to learn. I like the whole idea of suburban homesteading, and not just because I hate mowing the lawn. Canning and DIY are great. I also spend way too much ti…

So you want some homemade jalapeno poppers, do you? It's not that hard, here's my guide.

Lazy Bachelor's Jalapeno Poppers

Serves: 1 (6 poppers)
Prep Time: Approximately 5 months


6 good sized jalapenos
3 lbs ground beef
brick of jack cheese
cream cheese
couple eggs
bread crumbs
some vegetable oil for frying

First plant some jalapeno peppers. I like to grow mine from seed. I live in zone 6, so I plant them indoors about mid-March. Next put them outside around mid-May. Depending on growing conditions, sunlight, rainfall, watering, and fertilizing, you should be ready to make poppers in August. Wait until the peppers are good sized, don't be tempted to pick them early.

Step 1: Gather Your Forces

Behold! Your ingredients. Really the jalapenos are the star of the meal. I highly recommend growing your own if possible. If not, well, I suppose store bought are ok, but less cool factor. Good bread crumbs would have been an improvement I think. Make your own bread fresh from scratch, a day or two later toast it, crush it up. Yeah.

Step 2: Construct the Filling

Don't stress about the exact proportions. About two fingers of cream cheese is the proper amount. Grate in some jack. More than you should, because you know you'll sample some of it. Next crumble in some browned ground beef. You did brown the ground beef, didn't you? Fine, I didn't mention that part, but what, were you going to put raw ground beef in your poppers? Cmon, that's disgusting. Anyway mix in as much ground beef as you like, but make sure it still clumps together nicely. You may have some ground beef left over. Stop crying about it and eat it later. It's tasty.

Step 3: Ouch the Burning

This step requires careful preparation. Taking caution here will save you from burning eyes or worse later on. First put on your safety goggles. You don't want jalapeno juice in your eyes. Next put on some rubber gloves. This way no juice residue will remain on your hand for hours resulting in you eventually being in agony as you touch your eyes. Then put on a respirator to protect yourself from the fumes.

Slice the peppers longitudinally, revealing the seeds and central core. Scrape out the seeds and central core.

Step 4: Prepare the Bath

Ok, so this step is iffy. Next time I try it I will try something different here. But this was certainly good enough.

Dip the assembled popper in egg, then flour, then egg, then bread crumbs. Reapply egg and bread crumbs to bald spots.

Step 5: Fryin

Heat the oil. You can cook them in a lot of oil, submerging them. I just used a little oil. Try to get them golden brown on all sides. Don't worry that the filling will dribble out. Miraculously it won't. It's crazy, but it won't. Trust me. 

Step 6: Ugly, But Omg Tasty

I tried. I tried so hard to let them cool. But I ate the first one too hot. Mouth burned. Ouch.

Before I got the the camera, a second one was eaten. God, look at that. I want to eat them all over again!

Anyway, this is what they looked like.

After you're done cooking them open the windows to let the smoke out. Turn on a fan. You say the room is not filled with smoke? Liar.

This was not ideally done. But the results were outstanding. Give it a try.