Congratulations to Kiteman, and wish him success in his cat food factory.
Topic by rimar2000 | last reply
Ok here's a pretty good joke I heard earlier ... .... .... Ok so there were three rugby players ... one from australia (yeh) one from south africa (eh) and one from NZ (ooh!) so the go down to uh one of the certain countries where alcahol is band (???) they end up having a party and well start to drink some beer and all that ... then a local police officer comes to see whats going on ... he finds out what they've been up to and starts to whip the three ... but "Hey South Africa, I heard you played well in the world cups, so I am going to grant you a wish before I give you your 30! lashes" (officer) "Ok, I wish for one pillow strapped to my back please." (SA) So the cop lashes him 1,3,5,and ten times. But the pillow disintegrates and the player carries 20 lashes "Hey, it's australia ... I saw you played really well durig the games!! I'll grant you one wish before I give you your 30 lashes." (officer) "Ok I wish for 2 pillows strapped to my back!" (aussie) he gets whipped 20 times and his 2 pillows fade away too so he recieves 10 lashes. "Wow it's NEW ZEALAND !!! I seen you play REAL well in the games I 'm happy to grant you 2 wishes" "Ok for my first wish I want 50 lashes" NZ "ohh someones trying to be the tough guy hahaha" (cop) "and for my second wish i want that AUSSIE strapped to my back instead!" NZ Ok that was it please comment!
Topic by kenexinator | last reply
File:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/susnew/Desktop/link%20to%20instruct%201.htm check this out^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ hey guys check this out sorry about the pics i really don't have a camera sorry
Topic by modaawesome | last reply
One thing I like a lot when reading Instructables is how creators give a personal spin to their project descriptions and the instructions on how te make something. Sometimes there is even a small laugh on my face when somewhere hidden in step 9, picture 2 there is a funny joke. I can't help it that I include some silly dad jokes myself in my projects. The idea of this topic is to create a collection that make you smile. A quest for the hidden (dad)jokes in projects. Which ones are your favorites? Since most dad jokes only work in context I suggest you only post the link to the Instructable and how hard you laughed about it. Not the joke itself out of context. Then we can all go hunting for that silly joke.
Topic by thijsv | last reply
Do you accept "joke" or Instructables based solely on "humor"? Do you think they should be allowed on Instructables? IMHO, if they are actually funny and/or build something cool in the process, I let them pass. Others, not so much. What say you?
Topic by Bran | last reply
Ok this is the Joke A Catholic engaged couple are in the car and the die just before the wedding and the go to heaven and they are at the pearly gates and see a pastor. they ask him if the can get married in heaven and he says "I'll go check". Four days later he comes back to the couple and hes says yes you can. Then the married couple says "Well 50% of marriages end in devorice. Can we get devoriced in heaven? and then the pastor says. For the love of Pete women it took me for days to find a Preist dfo you know how long It'll take me to find a lawyer!
Topic by Metal4God | last reply
EDIT: THE CONTEST HAS CLOSED!the winners:blue ribbon: GorillazmikoHonorable mention: Dsman195267the joke:A man walks into a fireworks store and asks: "Can I have a bang for a buck?"the joke with honorable mention:a man walks into a fireworks store and says: "it's dark in here, can I have a match?"
Topic by DJ Radio | last reply
I heard this knock knock joke a few days ago, and it has became my favorite. Here it goes. Knock Knock Who's there? Smellmop. Smellmop who? I like it because it sounds like smell my poo. Anyways, that's my favorite, what's your guys' favorite knock knock joke?
Topic by CLASSIFIEDINFORMATION | last reply
Whoever posts the best damn joke there is (judged by me) will win a free patch.(not a huge prize, but I hope you still try) Note: The jokes should be appropriate, with no bad language. (8+) The comp has been won! ilpug won with his hilarious panda joke! I hope you all enjoyed each others jokes!
Topic by HMice | last reply
Hello, Daredevil 499 here, and I would like to introduce to you my new idea of posting 2 or 3 jokes, 2 or 3 times a week. I will post jokes almost every week, and I want You to vote For your favorite Joke. Just post a comment with a number (either 1, 2, or 3) representing which joke you like best. I'll keep posting if people like it. Here are the jokes: 1. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! 2. What is it called when you loan money to a buffalo? A Buffa-loan! 3. What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work! Well let me know what you think, and don't forget to subscribe! (the jokes will get better as time goes on, and I will add a link to this when I make my next post)
Topic by daredevil499 | last reply
Okay, the joke I am going to be showing you is called "Meow". It was invented by my brother in 8th grade, and it is absolutely hilarious! Oh, and by the by, you need to be able to keep a straight face for this joke, or it will not work. So, the joke is very simple. You just insert a subtle "meow" into your sentence when you are talking to someone. Example: "Hey, man! How are you doing?" "Oh, pretty good, meow." "That's great." "So, meow, umm, have you heard of the concert coming to town? meow." "Yeah, I've heard of it." "Are you going? meow." "No, I can't." "meow. Well, that sucks. meow. Well, I'm going to the concert. meow." "Well, see you later, I have a bus to catch." "Okay, meow. See you later!" It really helps to make the pitch of the "meow"s to be the same as the sentence before or after. My brother had to do a speech in front of the class, and he said "meow" FIFTY-TWO times in the the speech, and nobody noticed!
Topic by eulaliaaaa! | last reply
Hello, This is Daredevil 499 and I would like to introduce to you my new idea of posting 2 or 3 jokes, 2 or 3 times a week. I will post jokes almost week, and I want You to vote For your favorite Joke. Just post a comment with a number (either 1, 2, or 3) representing which joke you like best. Also where do you think I should post these jokes? Should they be in the questions or in the forums? Here are the first three jokes: 1. Who was the greatest financier in bible times? Noah, He floated his stocks while everyone else was in liquidation! 2. What do you call A monkey in a minefield? A Baboom! 3.Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed! Now that you know the jokes please let me know which one was your favorite. And remember don't forget to subscribe. Thanks Here is my new post. please take a look. https://www.instructables.com/community/What-Do-you-think-of-these-jokes/
Question by daredevil499 | last reply
I know it sounds dubm bacause the fire would melt knex peaces but i had a idea. you make knex track for a lighter to travel on and at the end have a peace that set off the lighter but still let it travle out of the gun. you put a layer of paper at the ent of the gun and the lighter lights the paper and when the lighter leaves the gun it takes the paper with it make ing a fire ball!
Topic by dsman195276 | last reply
Well, I have decided to leave the site. I don't see any point, after many arguments (you know who you are) I am leaving. I may come back in the distant future, probably not. seems like I am hated by many. Well, goodbye :( Please note: Do not delete my account please eric or the instructables team, i may want to come back some day. Hahaha! Gotcha all! Why would I want to leave the site?
Topic by The Jamalam | last reply
The first correct answer will be featured on my next instructable with THECOOKIEMONSTER!
Question by Bert99 | last reply
There are many jokes about good ol' Chuck: Every night the Boogey Man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris; Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land. Those are a few examples but there are hundreds more. Share your best!
Topic by VerendusVir | last reply
I'm sorry this took so long to post(I've been a little busy), but here are some more jokes. 1. The Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 2. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?'' 3. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck." well let me know which one(s) are your favorite! just comment down below! next post due January, 23,2013 (I'm posting something every other wednesday) until then, remember to comment,and subscribe!:)
Topic by daredevil499
Nicola tesla, in his early years, was not shy when it came to use science through direct contact.Most of it we would call today playing practical jokes on students and friends alike.His harmonic balancer got the nick name earthquake machine.I won't go into the story how all came together, you can read the story on Wikipedia or other sites to the fullest of your imagination.Howver, I would like to go into some details of this invention.Or better: I will try to explain my view on why this machine might have actually worked close to what the story tells....Studying old paents and other documents is no fun and not always you can reach any valid conclusions from any of it.I mean, if you coud then you wouldn't need a patent for it.Some things however are so good, so special that they never get a patent, the company keeps it as an iternal secret.Same way a brewery won't tell you the exact recipe for the beer they make ;)The harmonic balancer has very little to go with except stories and some comments Tesla scattered here and there.So let's start by some claims Tesla made about this machine:1. It has a free swinging mass.2. The mass is balanced using "air springs".3. It usues very little energy.4. It finds the harmonic frequency of the object attached to automatically.If you think about the above you could say right away it is bogus.But think about the terms and language of the old days ;)Add the fact that Tesla never really gave any direct answers to how his inventions actually work and you see where I am going here.Point 1 and 3 are easy to imagine in many ways.Number 2 on the other hand contradicts itself at a first glance.But, if you place a piston with a good mass and good seal into a cylinder nd close both ends while the piston is in the center....A bit like these to shake emergency torches and flashlights.With that idea in the back of a head one can imagine shock absorbers and more.And a "mass" "swinging" in such a sealed tube would certainly be subject to the "spring" force of the air being compressed in front and the forming low pressure on the other end.The last one however had me stumped for almost two years with me getting nowhere.A mechanical system can't adjust itself to the harmonic frequency of anything....Then I saw a collection of funny videos.One of the clips had about 100 metronomes standing on a board.The board was place on two rollers so it cold move freely from side to side.All the metronomes wre set to about the same timing.But of course you just can't start them all at once or even so they swing in sync.After just a short while though, one by one found a matching partner on the board.Faster ones slowed down, ones totally out of sync seemed to miss a beat here and there.And then it hit me!Hundret swinging masses on a board and the board moves together with them!Once all were in sync and harmony the board moved basically exactly the same way sidewas as the single pendulums above.Number four finally solved :)How though could one try to replicate this impossible invention these days and without knowing any exact details anyway?We know it used one or two electromagnets.These moved the mass back and forth horizontally in the machine.However, it was more formed like a T wih a fat base.Tesla needed a dead simple way of doing with electricity what the metronome does just mechanically.If you have a little mass on a spring and one contact on the spring plus another on a tube that is around the mass - what do you get?No, not the trigger for something really nasty when you pick it up...Right! You get a motion detecting switch.A bit like our gyroscopic sensors do now in our phones....And if you cut the tube lenghtwise you end with two opposing contact to switch two magnets on depending on what side of the tube is hit by the mass (contact) swining on the spring.Try it out with a spring from old pen and a screw inside as a weight - quite sensitive if you get the weight right.Some drawing suggest he height was about the same as the width of the machine.This would suggest the contact was actually hanging upside down, so it could swing in the wider base.A bit of fine and very flexible opper braid with a weight would make a nice pendulum here....Do a little experiment first though ;)Make a sturdy frame or if you have none try a truck. ;)If you place the frame on wheels and a pendulum with just a string and some sinker at the end - what would happen if you move th frame sideways instead of swinging the weight?Inertia keeps the weight in place while the top mount of the string moves away.And if the weight stays in place for just a fraction of a second before starting to move with the frame?Correct! since the angle of the string changes, the ball appeas to move up.Not really by much but enough for an electrical contact to open....We have some ideas now on how those electromagnets might have been triggered by Tesla, what about the mechanics of the moving mass that claimed to have created earthquake like results?Precision is no problem these days, just check these toy kits to build your own Stirling engine or you trusty old Swiss Army Knife.And even a second hand air cyclinder and piston can be modded to act like a free swinging air pump.Only question that really remains would be how to match the mechanical system with the electircal?We have two seemingly independent masses, one to make things move violently, the other to energise the part that make the first mass move - or to be precise to give it a tiny push in the right direction.What does mean you wonder...Let me try to simplify it down a bit.....If you push someone on a swing you can have a very hard time by working against the mass of the person sitting and enjoying the ride.Or you could give the person just a tiny push - right when the swing starts from the highest point to go back.Could that mean it is really as simple to build as Tesla claimed?If the top mass is limited by how far it can swing FREELY before the air pressure works against this movement then we would only have to set the length of the pendulum so the contact happens right at that point on the x-axis of the top mass.Ok, and how would that make anything swing at all?If the top mass is first energised there is nothing to stop or influence the movement, except the "air springs".So it totally overshoots like those metronomes on the board.It swings back and closes the contact on the other side of the movement way early as well.Now the electromagnetic impulse from the second movement actually works against the moving top mass.And this swinging of total non-control continues while whatever the thing is mounted to also starts to move, even if it is just fractional.Over time both swings, from the machine and the object, will get to point where they influence each other in a "positive" way.For Tesla's experiment one would say negative though as it was quite violent in the end.Little by little both swing will get closer to being in sync and with that in resonance.The electromagnetic push however continues....Only that now the top mass of the machine is in sync with the thing it is mounted to.The machine became you standing behind a big swing and trying push someone higher and higher....It is all just a theory though and any minor earthquakes that might register around my area are pure coincidence ;)
Topic by Downunder35m | last reply
Gotcha. ;) Bwahaha they think that's what we're talking about anyway... Keep your shirt on, after a bit I'll ask someone to move it to show it's all in fun. :P Meantime enjoy the butterfly...
Topic by Lithium Rain | last reply
Don't you hate when you're about to view something very cool, only to get a load screen that doesn't load the video and gives you an error, then tells you to try again later? Youtube needs to fix this. Send to 2 people if you agree.
Topic by DJ Radio | last reply
Pantalaine, since 1950. I truly wish this existed!From the blurb for "Super Sweats":Double-reinforced sleeve/leg joints are guaranteed against-wearUp to 30 arms in 18 different colorsArms distributed in even or odd quantities on one or both legsAs always, "if you don't see it on the the floor, we'll be happy to make it"Ask about our American flag stylesLots more completely ridiculous items on the website!
Topic by rachel | last reply
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Topic by devilbarney | last reply
I dont want a joke that cusses. that's it. But it can be a yo mama joke or anything. Hopefully the community will get some laughs over the holidays
Question by Bert99 | last reply
Hi, I'm a maker and hacker here at the Instructables, and I have a few pro membership codes for the best science joke writers. Write a funny joke in the comment section and on 30th of April I'll send pro membership codes for the best three jokes. Good luck! Best, Imetomi
Topic by Imetomi | last reply
I need some serious burns. Please help
Question by Bert99 | last reply
Anybody else see this? http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,484326,00.html ? Lots of us have re-arranged the letters on signs to spell funny (and occasionaly inappropriate) things, but these guys take the cake! So, what non-malicious pseudo vandalism have you seen (or participated in)?
Topic by skunkbait | last reply
I thought this might be a great prank. I was wondering if a simple motion detector wired up to the remote transceiver would work?
Question by asasklfjklasfkljasklfjaklfsjkl | last reply
I noticed we neither have a section, nor a thread for fun stuff, so I just made one ;)Let me give you something fun to think about, then you can add more funny stuff so we all have a good laugh :)The invisible man - a really old story!There is a man, thausands and thausands of year old, some even say he is as old as time itself.One day the old guy got really bored and decided to do something new.A few days of hard work and within a week he created the universe and all we know.To make it less boring he also decided to add some humans to it.After all, why would you need a TV if you can have it all life.Not long and those humans figured it all out and were really greatful for all the hard work done.So in return they accepted some ground rules, ten of them to be precise.Big buildings were built and everyone also needed some tokens to show how much he loves his god.Many years later some guy came along and got interested in this almighty guy everyone now called "god"."What does he do?""Oh! He loves you and watches you every minute of your life!""Nice! And what does he expect from me?""Just follow the rules and read his book if you feel troubled.""There is a book too?""Certainly is and you can have one for just 10 bucks.""And who is he and what would happen if I break the rules?""God is all powerful, wise, loving and forgiving but if you break the rules you will end in a pit of fire and pain for eternity!""Oh, that much trouble if I break the rules... Can I fix it if I did?""God always loves you and will forgive you!""Hmm, just to make sure that I got it right, let me sum it all up:There is an invisible guy living in the sky, he watches every single one down here every minute of the day.He is all powerful, almighty, all loving and the most forgiving guy you can find.But he needs money.Why do you collect moneyfor him if he never eats, sleeps, drinks or has any fun and also states there is no need for riches?"
Topic by Downunder35m | last reply
I can remember this from watching it as a child and would love to do it, but I have no idea what the 'secret' ingredient might be - help!
Question by Tamsinhull | last reply
There is a certain individual who I enjoy playing practical jokes on. I came up with a pretty good one but I am not sure how to pull it off. Here is what I want to do. I want to connect a wirelless keyboard to this persons computer in addition to the wired keyboard already on it. Then when this person uses their computer I can sit in the corner and type on their computer and flash the caps scroll and num lock lights. The problem is that I can't hide a full size wirelless keyboard. So I need to either make or get a miniature wirelless keyboard. I also don't want to spend to much money on this since it is just a practical joke. Thanks.
Question by nurdee1 | last reply
Hi everyone. I was hoping to harness the creativity and arcane knowledge of the Instructables community. The company I work for just launched an internal competition to rename our intranet site. I was thinking of submitting something linked to the word star (our new logo is based on the star Polaris) and to include some reference that the higher ups wouldn't spot. Any ideas? Deathstar seems too obvious, Skynet might make it through, but I am certain people out in instructaworld have some sweet ideas! (keeping with full disclosure, if I hypothetically win I do get a prize but I would much more enjoy seeing a joke in the intranet name for the next few years! I keep busting up when I get to call something T-101 on an industrial site :D )
Question by FoolishSage | last reply
FOR SHAME. I was innocently running domains through a tracer. And you know what I found? http://www.networksolutions.com/whois-search/instructables.com You...you registered with GoDaddy. How COULD YOU?!?! No, don't try to deny it. There's no denying this. The proof is right there for the world to see. I can't believe you played me like this. We are THROUGH, Eric, do you hear me, THROUGH, and this time I mean it. I. Cannot. Believe. you hid this from me all this time. No, don't say anything. I don't even want to look at you right now. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm just so disappointed right now. I thought I knew you. But you're just like all my exes. Jack from Wikihow called me last night. I told him no but now I'm calling back and saying yes. I hope you're proud of yourself. We had something special.
Topic by Lithium Rain | last reply
These are hilarious!!! There all REAL funny product lables that people have found. Here's the link to where I got them: http://www.rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml Product Warnings: • "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet. • "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs. • "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron. • "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron. • "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer. • "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer. • "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device. • "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket. • "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan. • "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists. • "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool. • "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant. • "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard. • "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn. • "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter. • "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image. • "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer. • "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow. • "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater. • "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray. • "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock." • "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box. • "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup. • "Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter." • "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee. • "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush. • "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife. • "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old. • "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery. • "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion. • "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer. • "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven. • "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod. • "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener. • "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener. • "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror. • "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski. • "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm. • "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty. • "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia. • "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone. • "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers. • "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink. • "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate. • "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant. • "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison. • "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757. • "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid. • "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller. • "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels. • "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck. • "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron. • "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine. • "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights. • "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume. • "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door. • "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station. • "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets. • "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box. • "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box. • "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter. • "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy. • "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice. • "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers. • "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan. • "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw. • "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer. • "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts. • "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing. • "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal. • "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it." • "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds. • "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills. • "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle. • "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer. • "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain. • "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame. • "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets. • "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack. • "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV. • "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack. • "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone. • "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch. • "Do not wear for sumo wrestling." -- From a set of washing instructions. See a scanned image. ________________________________________ Assurances: • "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter. ________________________________________ Small Print From Commercials: • "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store. • "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean. • "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert. • "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh. ________________________________________ Signs and Notices: • "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere. • "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950. • "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church. • "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire. • "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine. • "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic. • "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos. • "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box. • "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement. • "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer. • "Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge. ________________________________________ Safety Procedures: • "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building. • "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp. ________________________________________ Ingredients: • "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns. • "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater. • "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case. Materials: Covering: 100% Unknown. Stuffing: 100% Unknown." -- On a pillow. • "Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap." -- On the packet for a moist towelette. See a scanned image. ________________________________________ Instructions: • "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch. • "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills. • "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts. • "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11. • "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap. • "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper. • "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner. • "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits. • "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual. • "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill. • "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle. • "For heat-retaining corrugated cardboard technology to function properly, close lid." -- On a Domino's sandwich box. ________________________________________ Requirements: • "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
Topic by LoneWolf | last reply
Ok, so I've been making a program that tells jokes (just as a test). What I'm trying doesn't work for some reason, and I don't know why. Can you tell me how to fix this, or give me a new code that does the same thing but without a separate .txt file? Here's the code: @echo off title Joke Test color 0a :joke set /a joke=%random% %% 6+1 if %joke%==1 do ( cls echo. echo What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? pause > nul echo. echo The polar bear. pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==2 do ( cls echo. echo Where did Mary go after the explosion? pause > nul echo. echo Everywhere! pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==3 do ( cls echo. echo Knock knock. pause > nul echo. echo Who's there? pause > nul echo. echo Europe. pause > nul echo. echo Europe who? pause > nul echo. echo No ur a poo! pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==4 do ( cls echo. echo A man walks into a zoo. The only animal there is a dog. pause > nul echo. echo It's a shitzhu. pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==5 do ( cls echo. echo What do you call a kid with facial deformation? pause > nul echo. echo Names. pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==6 do ( cls echo. echo What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? pause > nul echo. echo Aye matey! pause > nul goto menu )
Question by TheBigRoosterYo | last reply
Hi, I'm wondering how to make a Batch file tell jokes. I know quite a bit about Batch, and I'm making a butler. I want him to tell jokes that I code for him, but random ones. If he has, let's say, three available jokes coded for him, how would I make him tell one of them randomly, not in order or by the user's input? Help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Question by TheBigRoosterYo | last reply
I would love to joke around with my friends computer. If you could help me out with this would be awesome.
Question | last reply
I want to prank a girl who I hate because she's been spreading rumours about me. I'm not really very upset about that but I still think it needs to be justified so I'm looking for some harmless and inconspicuous pranks that won't get me into trouble. My class is going on a school trip for a week and I want to take that opportunity to get back at her. We're visiting a big city and will be touring around during the day stay in hotel rooms at night. I don't want a HUGE prank because that could get everyone into trouble and ruin the trip altogether. The perfect prank would be something that isn't obvious, so it can be blamed on just dumb luck, but something humiliating or at least bothersome.
Question by DoggyWaffles | last reply
I am not a funny person, which is bad, but i try really hard to be funny, which is worse. does anyone know how i can make this a profitable venture?
Question by cyc4015 | last reply