Search for jokes in Topics

Well just post jokes its a bit of fun.

Congratulations to Kiteman, and wish him success in his cat food factory.

What i do if i got my hands on a ibm thinkpad a really old one 

Ever thought about how many useless unimportant inside jokes that we have? They just go on and on!

File:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/susnew/Desktop/link%20to%20instruct%201.htm check this out^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ hey guys check this out sorry about the pics i really don't have a camera sorry

Keyboard jokes

Ok here's a pretty good joke I heard earlier ... .... .... Ok so there were three rugby players ... one from australia (yeh) one from south africa (eh) and one from NZ (ooh!) so the go down to uh one of the certain countries where alcahol is band (???) they end up having a party and well start to drink some beer and all that ... then a local police officer comes to see whats going on ... he finds out what they've been up to and starts to whip the three ... but "Hey South Africa, I heard you played well in the world cups, so I am going to grant you a wish before I give you your 30! lashes" (officer) "Ok, I wish for one pillow strapped to my back please." (SA) So the cop lashes him 1,3,5,and ten times.  But the pillow disintegrates and the player carries 20 lashes "Hey, it's australia ... I  saw you played really well durig the games!! I'll grant you one wish before I give you your 30 lashes."  (officer) "Ok I wish for 2 pillows strapped to my back!" (aussie) he gets whipped 20 times and his 2 pillows fade away too so he recieves 10 lashes. "Wow it's NEW ZEALAND !!! I seen you play REAL well in the games I 'm happy to grant you 2 wishes" "Ok for my first wish I want 50 lashes" NZ  "ohh someones trying to be the tough guy hahaha" (cop) "and for my second wish i want that AUSSIE strapped to my back instead!" NZ Ok that was it please comment!

Whats your favorite Chuck Norris Joke?

One thing I like a lot when reading Instructables is how creators give a personal spin to their project descriptions and the instructions on how te make something. Sometimes there is even a small laugh on my face when somewhere hidden in step 9, picture 2 there is a funny joke. I can't help it that I include some silly dad jokes myself in my projects.  The idea of this topic is to create a collection that make you smile. A quest for the hidden (dad)jokes in projects. Which ones are your favorites? Since most dad jokes only work in  context I suggest you only post the link to the Instructable and how hard you laughed about it. Not the joke itself out of context. Then we can all go hunting for that silly joke. 

Do you accept "joke" or Instructables based solely on "humor"? Do you think they should be allowed on Instructables? IMHO, if they are actually funny and/or build something cool in the process, I let them pass. Others, not so much. What say you?

Ok this is the Joke A Catholic engaged couple are in the car and the die just before the wedding and the go to heaven and they are at the pearly gates and see a pastor. they ask him if the can get married in heaven and he says "I'll go check". Four days later he comes back to the couple and hes says yes you can. Then the married couple says "Well 50% of marriages end in devorice. Can we get devoriced in heaven? and then the pastor says. For the love of Pete women it took me for days to find a Preist dfo you know how long It'll take me to find a lawyer!

I heard this knock knock joke a few days ago, and it has became my favorite. Here it goes. Knock Knock Who's there? Smellmop. Smellmop who? I like it because it sounds like smell my poo. Anyways, that's my favorite, what's your guys' favorite knock knock joke?

EDIT: THE CONTEST HAS CLOSED!the winners:blue ribbon: GorillazmikoHonorable mention: Dsman195267the joke:A man walks into a fireworks store and asks: "Can I have a bang for a buck?"the joke with honorable mention:a man walks into a fireworks store and says: "it's dark in here, can I have a match?"

I want to amuse my friends with funny jokes, do u hav any good ones?

There are many jokes about good ol' Chuck:  Every night the Boogey Man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris; Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.  Those are a few examples but there are hundreds more. Share your best!

Whoever posts the best damn joke there is (judged by me) will win a free patch.(not a huge prize, but I hope you still try) Note: The jokes should be appropriate, with no bad language. (8+) The comp has been won! ilpug won with his hilarious panda joke! I hope you all enjoyed each others jokes!

Hello, This is Daredevil 499 and I would like to introduce to you my new idea of posting 2 or 3 jokes, 2 or 3 times a week. I will post jokes almost week, and I want You to vote For your favorite Joke. Just post a comment with a number (either 1, 2, or 3) representing which joke you like best. Also where do you think I should post these jokes? Should they be in the questions or in the forums? Here are the first three jokes: 1. Who was the greatest financier in bible times? Noah, He floated his stocks while everyone else was in liquidation! 2. What do you call A monkey in a minefield? A Baboom! 3.Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed! Now that you know the jokes please let me know which one was your favorite. And remember don't forget to subscribe. Thanks Here is my new post. please take a look. https://www.instructables.com/community/What-Do-you-think-of-these-jokes/

Post some of your favorite jokes, or I'll send hasslehoff after you

Hello, Daredevil 499 here, and I would like to introduce to you my new idea of posting 2 or 3 jokes, 2 or 3 times a week. I will post jokes almost every week, and I want You to vote For your favorite Joke. Just post a comment with a number (either 1, 2, or 3) representing which joke you like best. I'll keep posting if people like it. Here are the jokes: 1. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! 2. What is it called when you loan money to a buffalo? A Buffa-loan! 3. What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work! Well let me know what you think, and don't forget to subscribe!   (the jokes will get better as time goes on, and I will add a link to this when I make my next post)

    Okay, the joke I am going to be showing you is called "Meow".  It was invented by my brother in 8th grade, and it is absolutely hilarious! Oh, and by the by, you need to be able to keep a straight face for this joke, or it will not work.     So, the joke is very simple. You just insert a subtle "meow" into your sentence when you are talking to someone.  Example:     "Hey, man! How are you doing?"  "Oh, pretty good, meow."  "That's great."  "So, meow, umm, have you heard of the concert coming to town? meow."  "Yeah, I've heard of it."  "Are you going? meow."  "No, I can't."  "meow. Well, that sucks. meow. Well, I'm going to the concert. meow."  "Well, see you later, I have a bus to catch."  "Okay, meow. See you later!"      It really helps to make the pitch of the "meow"s to be the same as the sentence before or after.  My brother had to do a speech in front of the class, and he said "meow" FIFTY-TWO times in the the speech, and nobody noticed!

I know it sounds dubm bacause the fire would melt knex peaces but i had a idea. you make knex track for a lighter to travel on and at the end have a peace that set off the lighter but still let it travle out of the gun. you put a layer of paper at the ent of the gun and the lighter lights the paper and when the lighter leaves the gun it takes the paper with it make ing a fire ball!

Well, I have decided to leave the site. I don't see any point, after many arguments (you know who you are) I am leaving. I may come back in the distant future, probably not. seems like I am hated by many. Well, goodbye :( Please note: Do not delete my account please eric or the instructables team, i may want to come back some day. Hahaha! Gotcha all! Why would I want to leave the site?

I'm sorry this took so long to post(I've been a little busy), but here are some more jokes. 1. The Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 2. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?'' 3. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck." well let me know which one(s) are your favorite! just comment down below! next post due January, 23,2013 (I'm posting something every other wednesday) until then, remember to comment,and subscribe!:)

Nicola tesla, in his early years, was not shy when it came to use science through direct contact.Most of it we would call today playing practical jokes on students and friends alike.His harmonic balancer got the nick name earthquake machine.I won't go into the story how all came together, you can read the story on Wikipedia or other sites to the fullest of your imagination.Howver, I would like to go into some details of this invention.Or better: I will try to explain my view on why this machine might have actually worked close to what the story tells....Studying old paents and other documents is no fun and not always you can reach any valid conclusions from any of it.I mean, if you coud then you wouldn't need a patent for it.Some things however are so good, so special that they never get a patent, the company keeps it as an iternal secret.Same way a brewery won't tell you the exact recipe for the beer they make ;)The harmonic balancer has very little to go with except stories and some comments Tesla scattered here and there.So let's start by some claims Tesla made about this machine:1. It has a free swinging mass.2. The mass is balanced using "air springs".3. It usues very little energy.4. It finds the harmonic frequency of the object attached to automatically.If you think about the above you could say right away it is bogus.But think about the terms and language of the old days ;)Add the fact that Tesla never really gave any direct answers to how his inventions actually work and you see where I am going here.Point 1 and 3 are easy to imagine in many ways.Number 2 on the other hand contradicts itself at a first glance.But, if you place a piston with a good mass and good seal into a cylinder nd close both ends while the piston is in the center....A bit like these to shake emergency torches and flashlights.With that idea in the back of a head one can imagine shock absorbers and more.And a "mass" "swinging" in such a sealed tube would certainly be subject to the "spring" force of the air being compressed in front and the forming low pressure on the other end.The last one however had me stumped for almost two years with me getting nowhere.A mechanical system can't adjust itself to the harmonic frequency of anything....Then I saw a collection of funny videos.One of the clips had about 100 metronomes standing on a board.The board was place on two rollers so it cold move freely from side to side.All the metronomes wre set to about the same timing.But of course you just can't start them all at once or even so they swing in sync.After just a short while though, one by one found a matching partner on the board.Faster ones slowed down, ones totally out of sync seemed to miss a beat here and there.And then it hit me!Hundret swinging masses on a board and the board moves together with them!Once all were in sync and harmony the board moved basically exactly the same way sidewas as the single pendulums above.Number four finally solved :)How though could one try to replicate this impossible invention these days and without knowing any exact details anyway?We know it used one or two electromagnets.These moved the mass back and forth horizontally in the machine.However, it was more formed like a T wih a fat base.Tesla needed a dead simple way of doing with electricity what the metronome does just mechanically.If you have a little mass on a spring and one contact on the spring plus another on a tube that is around the mass - what do you get?No, not the trigger for something really nasty when you pick it up...Right! You get a motion detecting switch.A bit like our gyroscopic sensors do now in our phones....And if you cut the tube lenghtwise you end with two opposing contact to switch two magnets on depending on what side of the tube is hit by the mass (contact) swining on the spring.Try it out with a spring from old pen and a screw inside as a weight - quite sensitive if you get the weight right.Some drawing suggest he height was about the same as the width of the machine.This would suggest the contact was actually hanging upside down, so it could swing in the wider base.A bit of fine and very flexible opper braid with a weight would make a nice pendulum here....Do a little experiment first though ;)Make a sturdy frame or if you have none try a truck. ;)If you place the frame on wheels and a pendulum with just a string and some sinker at the end - what would happen if you move th frame sideways instead of swinging the weight?Inertia keeps the weight in place while the top mount of the string moves away.And if the weight stays in place for just a fraction of a second before starting to move with the frame?Correct! since the angle of the string changes, the ball appeas to move up.Not really by much but enough for an electrical contact to open....We have some ideas now on how those electromagnets might have been triggered by Tesla, what about the mechanics of the moving mass that claimed to have created earthquake like results?Precision is no problem these days, just check these toy kits to build your own Stirling engine or you trusty old Swiss Army Knife.And even a second hand air cyclinder and piston can be modded to act like a free swinging air pump.Only question that really remains would be how to match the mechanical system with the electircal?We have two seemingly independent masses, one to make things move violently, the other to energise the part that make the first mass move - or to be precise to give it a tiny push in the right direction.What does mean you wonder...Let me try to simplify it down a bit.....If you push someone on a swing you can have a very hard time by working against the mass of the person sitting and enjoying the ride.Or you could give the person just a tiny push - right when the swing starts from the highest point to go back.Could that mean it is really as simple to build as Tesla claimed?If the top mass is limited by how far it can swing FREELY before the air pressure works against this movement then we would only have to set the length of the pendulum so the contact happens right at that point on the x-axis of the top mass.Ok, and how would that make anything swing at all?If the top mass is first energised there is nothing to stop or influence the movement, except the "air springs".So it totally overshoots like those metronomes on the board.It swings back and closes the contact on the other side of the movement way early as well.Now the electromagnetic impulse from the second movement actually works against the moving top mass.And this swinging of total non-control continues while whatever the thing is mounted to also starts to move, even if it is just fractional.Over time both swings, from the machine and the object, will get to point where they influence each other in a "positive" way.For Tesla's experiment one would say negative though as it was quite violent in the end.Little by little both swing will get closer to being in sync and with that in resonance.The electromagnetic push however continues....Only that now the top mass of the machine is in sync with the thing it is mounted to.The machine became you standing behind a big swing and trying push someone higher and higher....It is all just a theory though and any minor earthquakes that might register around my area are pure coincidence ;)

I would love to joke around with my friends computer. If you could help me out with this would be awesome.

I need something interesting to do at my house during the summer!!!!!

Hello everyone, i found this and thought you might like this, palin as president.com although, what ever you do dont click this! BTW, check out my first slideshow of Classic solitaire.

Recently a friend & I have worked out how to make a forum, so we have. Problem is, we have a lack of people who have joined to give constructive criticism! The website is www.wendol.myfreeforum.org, and my account is KryptoniCamel for any one that wants to ask any questions. Thanks everyone, Regards, Kryptonite.

I dont want a joke that cusses. that's it. But it can be a yo mama joke or anything. Hopefully the community will get some laughs over the holidays

I need some serious burns. Please help

Hi,  I'm a maker and hacker here at the Instructables, and I have a few pro membership codes for the best science joke writers. Write a funny joke in the comment section and on 30th of April I'll send pro membership codes for the best three jokes. Good luck! Best, Imetomi

Hi, I'm wondering how to make a Batch file tell jokes. I know quite a bit about Batch, and I'm making a butler. I want him to tell jokes that I code for him, but random ones. If he has, let's say, three available jokes coded for him, how would I make him tell one of them randomly, not in order or by the user's input? Help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

This is an animated joke I made for class. I heard the joke from this 14 yo German girl and laughed so hard. Hope you enjoy it and please share if it makes you smile :)

I can remember this from watching it as a child and would love to do it, but I have no idea what the 'secret' ingredient might be - help!

Ok, so I've been making a program that tells jokes (just as a test). What I'm trying doesn't work for some reason, and I don't know why. Can you tell me how to fix this, or give me a new code that does the same thing but without a separate .txt file? Here's the code: @echo off title Joke Test color 0a :joke set /a joke=%random% %% 6+1 if %joke%==1 do ( cls echo. echo           What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? pause > nul echo. echo                       The polar bear. pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==2 do ( cls echo. echo            Where did Mary go after the explosion? pause > nul echo. echo                       Everywhere!                      pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==3 do ( cls echo. echo                  Knock knock. pause > nul echo. echo                  Who's there? pause > nul echo. echo                  Europe. pause > nul echo. echo                  Europe who? pause > nul echo. echo                  No ur a poo! pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==4 do ( cls echo. echo       A man walks into a zoo. The only animal there is a dog. pause > nul echo. echo                       It's a shitzhu. pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==5 do ( cls echo. echo           What do you call a kid with facial deformation? pause > nul echo. echo                           Names. pause > nul goto menu ) if %joke%==6 do ( cls echo. echo           What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? pause > nul echo. echo                          Aye matey! pause > nul goto menu )

I am not a funny person, which is bad, but i try really hard to be funny, which is worse. does anyone know how i can make this a profitable venture?

Post any riddles or jokes that you have here!

Here is a pic of me firin mah MP5K! LMFAO

This topic is for anything funny if it is pics, jokes, or anything just plain funny

Why is it possible to subscribe to yourself? I mean, unless you have no friends at all..(joking, i have no subscribers either!).

Post comments about your favourite videos, Jokes, Comment questions ect well, Post anything to do with the KING OF THE INTERNET here!

There is a certain individual who I enjoy playing practical jokes on. I came up with a pretty good one but I am not sure how to pull it off. Here is what I want to do. I want to connect a wirelless keyboard to this persons computer in addition to the wired keyboard already on it. Then when this person uses their computer I can sit in the corner and type on their computer and flash the caps scroll and num lock lights. The problem is that I can't hide a full size wirelless keyboard. So I need to either make or get a miniature wirelless keyboard. I also don't want to spend to much money on this since it is just a practical joke. Thanks.

I'm leaving. Not a joke. I may check my account every month or so, but I will barely be doing anything here. Bye.

Stop reading this and answer!!!! go go go! HEY you why didn't you answer this?! HUH?! just joking but really what is a patch?

;-p

As you all know, April fools day is coming up. I am looking for some HARMLESS pranks to play on friends and a few teachers I joke around with. Any suggestions?

The first correct answer will be featured on my next instructable with THECOOKIEMONSTER!

Its a joke going around my school and i wana see what you guys think...

I have five cats and lots of poop. jokes are expected and welcome but anybody with any real ideas? composting and fertilizer are out. thanks

Ok, so i was joking around with gmjhowe on Kiteman's orangeboard, and i posted a picture with a comment. then, i forgot to post the smiley that indicates it was a joke, so i did. The picture i posted in the other comment showed up in that comment. I posted some more comments to test, then a few apology comments, the picture showed up each time. I never posted the picture on purpose i have included the picture in question, and have asked kiteman not to delete the comments for your view.