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Poetry Project for School: Critique my Poem, plz? Answered

Dearest Iblers, We had to do a poetry project for school where we select a few poems that we like and write about them, and then we have to write a poem of our own. So, if you'd be so kind as to critique this for me. that'd be rather swell :) It's a bit long :/

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caitlinsdad
caitlinsdad

11 years ago

John Cougar MellonLabot I liked it. Well crafted story. Just a little rough on how it was visually written, I mean a little hard to get into the flow with uneven length sentences, then again I'm no poet.

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Labot2001
Labot2001

Reply 11 years ago

Why is Labot being compared to John Cougar Melloncamp?

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Labot2001
Labot2001

Reply 11 years ago

I guess so.

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caitlinsdad
caitlinsdad

Reply 11 years ago

And if that poem was written from the heart, you know you grew up too fast...sigh.

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lemonie
lemonie

11 years ago

It's a bit too much narrative. You need to create that narrative without being so straightforward. Quite a few summers ago, Back when I lived in Texas, My friends and I were quite bored, with nothing to do. We were all hanging around by the creek that day, Me and Bill and Nick and John Just throwing rocks around and catching tadpoles and other things of that nature. It was really boring. Concentrate on the most important words: summer, Texas(maybe), bored, creek, friends - " throwing rocks around and catching tadpoles" is a good phrase. Build the picture of the events without telling a simple account, Sun, hot sun, blinding face-searing sun. The cool water of the creek, the ripples from tossed-rocks thrown in boredom out of something to do. The tiny new life so easily scooped-up out of it's habitat - God we were bored, how we would have sold our souls to Satan for some jet-skis... Be creative and use your imagination L

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Labot2001
Labot2001

Reply 11 years ago

Haha, I like it. Thanks for the tips :D

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caitlinsdad
caitlinsdad

Reply 11 years ago

Dost have the lad write prose in iambic pentameter not unbecomest of a Shakespearean sonnet?

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lemonie
lemonie

Reply 11 years ago

Probably not, but it might score points? L

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NachoMahma
NachoMahma

11 years ago

. But it doesn't rhyme! heehee . I thought it was very good. . I can just imagine someone like Maya Angelou reciting it. Not that is sounds like her poetry, I just think her speaking style would fit your poem. . The last full paragraph seemed a little awkward to me. . . Since there is no formatting of the text, using TXT (instead of RTF) would probably make it easier for most ppl to use.

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Labot2001
Labot2001

Reply 11 years ago

Awkward last paragraph? How so? Thanks, btw.

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NachoMahma
NachoMahma

Reply 11 years ago

. Wellll, I don't really know. It just didn't "feel" quite right. Maybe my brain just hiccuped when I got to that part. I wish I could tell you more, but I'm one of those "I don't know poetry, but I know what I like" types.

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KentsOkay
KentsOkay

11 years ago

I enjoyed it, very whimsical, but the run on sentences area bit much.