Awesome Garlic, Onion, Parmesan Braided Bread
what you will need:
-2 1/2 cups all purpose flour (DO NOT USE SELF RISING FLOUR unless you want to mess up your bread)
-2 tablespoons sugar
-1 (1/4 oz) package dry yeast
-1/4 teaspoon salt
-2/3 cup warm water
-2 tablespoons butter
-1 egg, beaten
-half a yellow onion
-bulb of garlic
-1 pack of shredded parmesan cheese (about 5oz usually)
-a sense of humor and adventure
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Step 1: Crack Open a Beer
Crack open a cold one of your choice. The boyfriend and I were also making tacos when I made this bread so we went with Dos Equis. You can drink whatever.
Step One: Open Beer, Take Sip. mmmm
Step 2: Mix Ingredients
In a large mixing bowl, combine 1 1/2 cups flour (save 1/2 cup for later), sugar, yeast, salt, water, butter and egg. Beat with an electric mixer (or if you are a spoiled brat like me, use your Kitchen Aid-its ok to be lazy). Beat at a medium speed for 2 minutes.
Step 3: Time for Some Beer!
Drink some more! awesome!
Step 4: Stir in Remaining Flour
As it is mixing slowly add the remaining 1/2 cup of flour. Don't do it too fast while it is going or the stuff will just fly right up in your face. You will look and feel like an a hole.
Step 5: Don't Neglect the Beer, It Is Sensitive and Feelings Get Hurt Easily!
Yeah, can't let it down. Gotta take a sip so it knows you care.
Step 6: Chop Stuff Up
Ok, now its time to chop things up with a big knife. You want to chop up half the onion into pieces about as large as your finger nails, but don't chop off your fingers! Then you will peel some cloves of garlic and chop them up into about 2-3 pieces per clove. You can also be lazy and buy pre peeled garlic -I recommend this if you want to be able to get back to drinking faster.
Step 7: Oh, So You Forgot About Me Did You?!?
OH, yeah, your beer, probably really jealous right now and very upset that you spent all that time with the garlic and the onion...you gotta really make it up to your beer now, so bottoms up!
Step 8: Throw in the Awesome!
Ok, now you will want to throw in the onion, the garlic, and all of the cheese into the bowl with the dough. I'm not going to lie, when it starts mixing you are going to see what looks like a really disgusting lump of ick...it won't taste like ick! And it will get pretty!
Now, sometimes when it is all mixed the dough will still feel really sticky. If it is sticky still, get about 1/4 cup of flour and slowly add it to the mixture. If it isn't really very sticky, don't add this flour.
Step 9: Drink!!! Drink!!!
DO IT!!! DO IT!!! DO IT!!! TOGA!!! whaaaaa?
Step 10: Make a Ball
Ok, the bread should have sort of formed into a ball on its own. If it didn't that is ok. You will want to turn off the mixer, reach down and sort of form the dough into a ball. Also, some of your "Awesome" (for those of you who are now drunk and can't remember what Awesome is, that's onion, garlic, and cheese) might be loose in the bowl. You will want to grab the dough and roll it around in there sticking that delicious Awesome to the dough.
Once you have a nice ball you will then cover it with a towel (clean preferably, unless you don't mind eating filth...who am I to judge, I didn't wash my hands first when I started...yeeah...... JOKES JOKES)
Step 11: A Whole Hour to Wait for It to Rise...whatever Will I Do With This Time?
Some might like to start cleaning up a little...I think this is a great time to knock back some more beers. (and in our case, we also started cooking our tacos- drunk multi tasking couple up in here! We are so going to make it...i think.)
Step 12: Braid That Bread!
Alright, so now you have a nice buzz going and you know what? It has been an hour and your bread should have risen a little...YAY!
Put a little flour on your hands and then take the ball out of the bowl. Put it on a baking tray/sheet that also has a light coating of flour. Then you will want to shape it into more of a rectangle and cut it into three strips.
Take those strips and braid that bread like you are 12 and playing barbies! You know you played with barbies...maybe you cut off their heads, but you know you braided her hair first...
Step 13: Another Hour to Kill...
Ok, cover the bread up and set your watches, it's time to let it rise again.
Now that your kitchen is mostly clean, what to do, what to do. I suggest watching a couple episodes of Archer and having some more beers. Man, Archer is funny! If you don't know what I'm talking about, http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Archer+cartoon
Step 14: So Ready to Make the House Smell Awesome!
Ok, so you have now removed the towel and your bread is nice and puffy! kudos you, you are awesome. Now set the oven to 350 degrees and put your bread in the oven for 25-35 min depending on your oven.
This is where you should also call all your friends that live no further away than 25-35 min...you will want to impress them. Also, tell them to bring more beer because you are out and still very thirsty!
Step 15: EAT FATTY!!!
Sweet, your house now smells awesome and your bread is done! You have all your friends over and they are like damn, you are a great cook! You are happy because you are now the coolest person in your friend group and also you are drunk.
Be sure to celebrate with another drink!
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