Introduction: Bonfire Beer Bottle Holder
I hate spilling liquids.
Spilling gasoil is smelly, and also bad for seabirds.
Spilling mercury is painful, in particular when it's still in a container of 100 liters.
Spilling kerosene is dangerous, in particular at 10 miles altitude.
Spilling scorpion venom is expensive, but it's your choice to let it in your foot.
Spilling whale blubber is messy, in particular when its tapped from one that died many months before - and when it died after a collision with an oil rig it's also quite smelly.
But spilling beer is the worst.
Spilling beer is just terrible.
Honestly, I don't have decent advices to avoid the first five, but I definitely found a solution for the last one.
This summer, you won't see me spilling no more beer. Really.
Step 1: You Know That Feeling
Sitting comfortably near the fire, a good beer just one hand away.
Bottle on its side, good beer gone forever.
I just couldn't stand it anymore.
Time for a change.
Step 2: Drilling Some Discs
Measure the outside diameter of your favorite brand bottle, grab the appropriate clock drill and cut a handful of wooden discs in a piece of thick scrapwood.
Step 3: Popsicle Flower Making
Time for some crafty business.
Start eating a few hundred popsticks, and recycle the sticks.
Add a few zip ties and a good bottle of wood glue to the equation, grab those discs and lift off.
Stack two discs one up to another, put a zip tie loosely around them and start making a nice flower by sticking the sticks between the discs and the tie. If this explanation isn't clear: LOOK AT THE PICS AND DO IT JUST LIKE THAT!
If you're lucky, there'll be just enough space to put a bunch of sticks without adjustments. If you're not: prepare yourself for some cutting & filing to get it done anyway.
Next: poor wood glue at the junction between the upper disc and the popsicle petals.
Add some more zips & let it cure overnight.
Step 4: Voodoo Hour
Once the glue has set you can remove the lower disc with a screw.
Grab a handful of heavy nails, countersink the input-holes, put one nail in every flower and use a lot of wood glue to keep them there forever, ànd to secure the second junction between the disc & its petals.
Step 5: Be Nice to the Bottle
There's no reason why my beer bottle should rest on a hard surface.
So I cut some leather bands out of an old couch - sorry grandma, I mean, for cutting her couch, not for cutting my grandma - glued them to the inside of the flowers and added some hemp cord for extra mechanical strength. And for some good looks, also.
Insert the bottles in their comfortable seats and let the whole cure again.
The next day you'll have the best auto-gripping beer holder ever. Those popsicle-sticks combined with the leather lining will act as a nice wooden spring that will grab that bottle as good as you'll do.
Step 6: No More Spilling
If you want to use this device as an extension of your beer bottle: push the bottle firmly in the holder and pin it in the ground like a man.
If you want to use this device as a clever surface modification of Mother Earth: pin it in the ground - also like a man - and push the bottle a bit less firmly in it after every swig.
Anyway, no matter how you use it, that beer bottle will stay straight up this summer.
Another way to use these devices: BEER BOTTLE DARTS!