CATPISS - Preparing Your Cats for the Apocalypse




About: I made a beer mug with only a knife and a hatchet. I think that says a lot about me.

When the Apocalypse comes, I'm gonna be prepared.

I don't want to be driven by the events and I'm not going to resist in a classic way.

I'm going to anticipate.

It's not only about me, in fact. Everyone around me needs to be ready. Physically ànd mentally.

Like you know, a lot of cats are sharing our roof. And workspace, also, and toilet paper, computer keyboards and coaches, to name some. They even share the dog.

I hope that, when the Apocalypse comes, they too will be ready to fight back - instead of staying dependent on those humans who feed them on a daily basis, and clean their droppings, be there to comfort them when théy decide they need some, stay comprehensive when théy are staring at the wall and fill their plates - even when they're still half full, grate your nice leather boots and pee on that t-shirt you only wore for nine days.

Cats, you know.

When the Apocalypse comes, I want them to do a lot better than they're doing now. Seriously.

And so I launched CATPISS - Cat Apocalypse Training Procedure to Install Survival Spirit - it could have been better, that title, but I'm just a poor craftsman without the money to pay a team of fancy communication specialists.

Read it a few times, you're gonna like it, too.

About that Apocalypse. Thanx to CATPISS we're going to smash those pet-kidnapping ennemies back to their stinking vessels that brought them to earth. We're gonna let them know they arrived on the wrong planet and that the information they gathered 3000 years ago - when they built the pyramids - is hopelessly dated.

Prepared we will be.

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Step 1: Inspiration

Like I said, our cats are doing the CATPISS.

Building defensive structures with litter.

Using steel pipes as grating poles.

Extracting oxygen from mice.

Miaoowing at 200 decibels.

Viscious martial feline arts.

Traveling Without Moving.

Making sticky hair balls.

And stinky droppings.

Trash bin survival.

Precision spitting.

Invisible moving.

The whole package.

Though, during the program we discovered a mayor bug in the natural weaponry of these highly specialized creatures. Though they're heavily armed at all sides and faster than many others, their heads seem a weak point in their construction, especially for any sort of danger coming from above.

Too bad, the danger WILL come from above - I read it on youtube, and so I believe it.

To continue the CATPISS, we needed additional skull protection.

Helmets On. Litter-ally.

And so I went searching help, knowledge and wisdom. I crossed rivers and climbed mountains, suffered hunger and pain, walked more miles than my feet could get, just to meet those reputated craftsmen Who-Know-How-To-Make-It-Right.

Just because I wanted high quality gear. Reliability & effectiveness. Power without compromises.

Technology based on experience.

Step 2: Grab'r & Meas'r

During my journey, I learned that to make the right helmet, you have to make it custom fit.

Every cat is different, and so will be every helmet.

Grab her, and measure-her.

Above all: do it politely. Great chance she might not understand why this kind of business is somehow different from the usual.

Up to you to explain things well - I love yooooooooooooooo - and get those data.

Step 3: Getting Supplies

Those craftsmen learned me the Big Secret of Top Gear.

'Look how others do it. And do it better!'

It's not thàt way they told it, in fact.


So I went to the biggest army store in town, and inspected carefully all the fancy weaponry they sell - at very fair prices, btw.

Knives & tridents, wooden hammers & shields, voodoo sticks, flammable liquids, potatoes, dutch cheese, batteries etc. Those city markets are Warriors Heaven.

They also sell so called 'tailed helmets'.

Since they're quite unpractical, very few warriors are using them.

But instead of ignoring them, I decided to buy some.

To make them better.

Step 4: Synchronizing

Once we're going any further, we will present this new feature to our cats.

Cats are naturally curious and heavily interested in new technologies. Let them play with this weird thing and make it the most normal thing in their environment.

The process is simple: the energy of the helmet has to be synchronized with the energy of the cat.

This may take a while, but this new balance will install itself. Cats logic.

To speed things a bit, I decided to use this helmet for a purpose it was surely not designed for.

You know, accidentally I discovered that those helmets are prefectly suited, in fact, to contain small amounts of solids or liquids. And so I put a handful of their favorite food in it and let nature do its way.

Guess what: they just loved their new equipment!

Step 5: Cut'r & Grind'r

Once energy balances are set right, it's time to rebuild this very unpractical tail-helmet.

Instead of wearing it with the 'handle' backwards, I decided to turn it 180°, using the tail-section as a clever forehead- & nose-protection - gladiator-style, you know.

So I grinded space for Mayas ears and using a template it was very easy to get the job perfectly symmetric.

A bit of grinding later the modified helmet was ready for its first test run.

That test was a fail: not enough space for the ears and a very disturbed energy balance.

Maya said 'NO', and sent me back to the workshop.

Step 6: Adjustments

Some grinding and a lot of sanding later Mayas helmet seemed ready.

It's just the outer helmet, in fact. I'm still searching a way to make a proper inner-helmet, according to the measurements I took earlier.

Nevertheless, this is kind of a prototype. And as you know, prototype-developing is a long process.

Step 7: First Impressions & Recommendations

To see how it might look like once completely finished I decided to give it a go for a few first impressions.

Glamour-shooting, you know.

Overall, Maya & Misty - the two equally sized ladies - were overall pleased with the design. They spreaded out joy & satisfaction and gave me the green light to continue the CATPISS.

This helmet DOES give adequate skull AND nose protection - though the ears are still highly unprotected.

To make it complete, ear-shells need to be made and welded to the design. The inner-helmet is also a must-have, since with the slightest movement the helmet is taking-off.

Heavy R&D will go on and we'll prepare this design for the Apocalypse.

Prepared we will be, as I said.

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    49 Discussions


    4 years ago

    Dig the Dune reference in step one. Think my wife will get a kick outta this. cheers mate.

    Mrs Rozeboom

    4 years ago on Introduction

    You certainly have a better Apocalypse plan for your can than we do. I saw on a survival show that it's good to keep small animals around that can quickly reproduce for food, such as rabbits but they are smelly and I already have two smelly cats. If necessary, our plan was to feed the little one to the big one to fatten him up so we know, do the unthinkable if we had to.

    1 reply

    Try chickens, around that house I mean. They're a lot more multifunctional than rabbits. Very useful. But don't train them to survive the apocalypse, or they will use their force against you. CHICKENSHIT is not an option. And keep on training those cats...


    4 years ago

    Amazing narration skills my friend. But sadly I own a cat of larger stature and will have trouble finding a tailed helmet to fit her. And even when I do, she's too lazy to leave when SHTF anyways.

    1 reply

    4 years ago

    while reading step 1, I couldn't help but think that the entire 'CATPISS' training regimen would make a hilarious cartoon or comic. good job on the project, and thanks for the inspiration!

    1 reply

    4 years ago

    what if you were to drill a small hole in either side, and run some shock chord through

    1 reply

    Reply 4 years ago on Introduction

    Could work, but you could easily strangle the kitty also - which is definitely not the purpose here...


    4 years ago

    hahahahahahahahaha, I couldnt get past the first section and i cant stop laughing. This is amazing! Thank you!

    1 reply

    4 years ago

    U hav a strange and marvellous mind..