Ever been down and out in Costa Rica? Had your wallet stolen on the subway? Wondered what to do with your keys and all that change you had in your front pockets?
Homey the wallet to the rescue! Using this patent pending, complex 6 step procedure, you can not only protect your remaining belongings from future theft, but actually deter would-be thieves from even approaching.
If you appreciate this instructible, please visit my blog for more ideas:
As an added bonus (and due solely to my personal tightwaddery and sense of humor) this is completely free, unless you're like Einstein and don't wear socks. Wierdo. Or Equator dweller. Or namby-pamby Southern Californian. Or--never mind.
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Step 1: Remove Your Right Shoe.
Carefully untie (if tied) the shoe on your right foot and remove the shoe.
Save this shoe for later use. (Do NOT discard!)
Slip your sock off your right foot.
Step 2: Stick Your Hand Up a Socket Puppet
Insert your hand carefully into the south end of a north facing sock puppet until your hand can go no further without increasing pressure beyond the "tear threshold" (somewhere around 30 ft/lbs/in2).
Form the mouth of the sock puppet. Practice ventriloquism for a few seconds.
At this point, the theft deterrent mechanism of Homey the Wallet(TM) begins to activate (Warning: May also deter potential dates/embarrassed family members).
Step 3: Feed the Puppet
Kindly coerce your Sock Puppet friend--we'll call him Slippy for short--coerce Slippy to eat your keys and remaining valuables.
Praise your Slippy with phrases like, "Good boy! That's a nice Slippy!"
Make sure to scratch him under the chin a bit (he loves that).
Step 4: Gut Slippy
While your erstwhile 75% cotton friend is distracted by the praises, quickly grasp his rear, and rip it over his head!
(Insert maniacal laughter if desired.)
Step 5: Stretch to Full Length
To complete the gutting process, fully stretch your inverted Slippy. This ensures proper valuables placement in the lifeless hide of your poor friend.
Step 6: Replace Your Shoe
Replace your right shoe on your right foot. (You DID save your shoe, didn't you?)
And . . . done! You are now the proud owner of a Homey the Wallet(C)2007!
For increased theft deterrent, you may hike one pants leg up to knee level and say "Homey don't play that!" whilst wildly swinging Slippy towards would-be assailants.
Some helpful tips on spotting would-be assailants:
"Harmless" Little old ladies
For a real wallet, I recommend voting for my personal favorite of the wallet group the Anti Wallet. No muss, no fuss.