Introduction: How to Properly Train Your Dog
Most pet owners will at some point experience a pet with an unbreakable spirit. My first dog wanted nothing more than to obey and learned commands and tricks with ease. My second dog, however, would do no such thing. In this instructable, I'll walk you through exactly how to train your dog to the highest level of etiquette.
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Step 1: Assert Yourself
The first step is to assert dominance. Your dog needs to know that you are the owner, master, and rule maker. Calmly explain this to your dog. Use the diagram provided to illustrate the point to your dog. He or she should be reasonable enough for a thorough discussion.
If not, move on to step 2.
Step 2: Get Off My Couch!
Remember buying furniture and how much you loved it? Your dog feels the same way! Explain to him or her how little they contribute, monetarily, and demand an explanation for how they intend to de-funk your furniture. If this does not work, repeatedly ask your pet to "get down" until one or both of you are emotionally exhausted. Go have a beer.
Step 3: Let Me Sing You the Song of My People
Another common need is for your pet to communicate lavatorial needs. We use a device on the inside of an exterior door where the dogs can jingle bells on a strap to alert us of their need to relieve themselves. To implement this, shake the bells vigorously each time you let the dogs out into the yard so that they pair the idea of excretion with jingling. Once this is learned, your pet will use all of its free time, that is to say each moment she isn't drooling on your couch, to play a song consisting of one instrument, played in skull-splitting ostinato. Most of these will be false alarms or pleas for other attention. The first one you ignore for this will be real. Listen to the canorous tune as you clean up your pet's latest bathroom blunder!
Step 4: Give Up
If you've made it to this step, the enemy has won. The house belongs to them now. Your couch? Scoot over, human! Can't hear the tv? Get used to the wonderful sound of canine-struck bells! Your puppy will lavish in the comfort of your pillows. What solace is left for you?
Step 5: Serenity Now
Fret not! You can force your dog to wear clothes! She will sit idly, contemplating all of the poor decisions that got her to this point -- dejected.
Stack toys on her while she sleeps! Your dog will wake up confused and disoriented.
If all else fails, have a toddler show the dog who's boss -- small children love to teethe on a dog's snout.
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