You may have seen the release of the Klingon Vanna White Aspirational Figure on Speakeasily here and are wondering where to get your own doll. Due to a production issue at KVW Industries, a subsidiary of KVW Inc. we have decided to release the instructions on how to make your own Klingon Vanna White Aspirational Figure. No longer will you have to wait while we at KVW Industries figure out why dolls go missing, almost as if they've walked off on their own, workers quit without notice and leave no forwarding address, various unexplained electrical problems, a dark spreading stain across the ceiling of the factory, and a swirling dark cloud over the factory itself that occasionally sucks a vehicle or hapless bovine into it's vortex.
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Step 1: Purchase a Knock Off Barbie.
Purchase a knock off Barbie from a dollar store. Here we have purchased a two pack for $4.19 so we can also work on the Clowns 'n Blow expansion Pack.
Step 2: Use Friendly Plastic to Mold a Forehead for the Blond Doll.
We at the factory usually heat a cup of water in the microwave then pour about a teaspoon of Friendly Plastic balls into it and watch for them to turn from white to clear. Then we fish it out with a spoon and work on it with our hands by flattening it out into a disc shape then thinning out the edges. Using a comb we press in the forehead grooves. Then we warm the grooved disc up again just enough to make it flexible and form it over the forehead shaping it around the eyes with a tweezer. Finally we make the nose and head ridge by forming a small roll and laying it over the forehead and nose then pressing it into the head with the comb to form ridges.
Step 3: Paint the Forehead of Your Doll to Match It's Skin.
We don't darken the whole doll's face. That would mean Klingons are actually doing black face. We're just matching the alien forehead to the dolls actual plastic skin tone. We use a mix of beige, red, and white to get the tone right.
Step 4: Add Eyebrows
Add eyebrows by cutting out shapes in felt or fun fur and glueing onto head. Here we've used fun fur and have trimmed the hairs to sculpt them attractively to show the beauty of our captor, Klingon Vanna White. She beats us when no one is looking.
Step 5: Create the Klingdong
Mould the Klingdong into a shape from your most terrifying nightmare. This will personalize your own doll's Klingdong. Paint it your favorite color.
Step 6: Check Your Klingdong for Scale
Make certain your Klingdong looks terrifying by holding it up to your doll and house pets. If you would take your happily sleeping dog to the vet for immediate attention if she suddenly had a Klingdong you are on the right track.
Step 7: Glue Hair and Vecro Backing to Your Klingdong
Glue your klingdong to a base of fun fur and glue velcro to both the doll and Klingdong backing. Try it on for size. Have your doll sit with a bear.
Step 8: Call the Witches
Contact your local masonic lodge and find that chapter's necromancers. Necromancers are people who make dolls shiny. We at KVW Industries love high polish.
Step 9: Cast the Spell of Awakening
Pay the Necromancers to cast the spell of awakening. If they do not have the Necronomicon they are just bullshitting you. Real necromancers will impart your dolls with a shine that seems to come from within.
Step 10: Make Your Clown Friends and Have a Tea Party to Test Your Dolls.
Paint clown faces on the dolls and felt little clown wigs out of felt and dyed lamb locks. Have a tea party!
Step 11: Please Read Factory Warning
While every production method is different and results may not be similar we ask that you read our standard factory warning to let you know of any potential risks.
See your fabulous Overlady release her new Aspirational Figure on SpeakEasily HERE:
CAUTION: Do not store dolls with other toys or in temperatures above or below room temperature. Do not leave dolls unattended. KVW, Inc. is not responsible for family pets that disappear if dolls are left unattended. Do not be alarmed if dolls eyes follow you around the room. Always use dolls in a well-ventilated area away from open flames. If doll’s joints become loose and dolls begin to speak in ancient Sumerian DO NOT RESPOND!! Discontinue use, back away slowly and evacuate property. Do NOT call customer service if dolls begin to speak Sumerian. Warranty is null and void for dolls speaking Sumerian, Enochian, Aramaic, or Esperanto. Dolls speaking in tongues CANNOT be returned. Portals may open but can be closed with an incantation. Incantations can be purchased by sending a self addressed stamped envelope with a money order for $66.69. Or call customer service for the current incantation key code if you have purchased a Platinum support contract subscription. Platinum support contracts are not valid in Tennessee.