Instructions for the Recently Deceased


A deceased you.

Step 1: Step 1

Lie perfectly still. Do not attempt to breathe. On no account try to call for help.

Step 2: Step

Soon you will feel very stiff. Do not be alarmed. Don't panic. Whatever you do don't scream.

Step 3: Step 3

Then you will feel very cold. This is due to the small space you once inhabited expanding.

Step 4: Step 4

Now discard previous notions of death. Everything you heard before was from the Living. What do they know?

Step 5: Step 5

This is not the 'dead zone'. If you see lights do not ignore them - they are there for your guidance.

Step 6: Step 6

Do not hold onto the clouds, even if you suffer from altitude sickness.

Step 7: Step 7

When you get there, answer all the questions. Remember, it's all done by telepathy.

Step 8: Step 8

If you see someone you know, do not articulate lachrymosely. There will be opportunities for this later. Much later.

Step 9: Step 9

Soon you will understand why people believe in reincarnation. Then you will be free to pursue your own interests.

Step 10: Step 10

Have a pleasant afterlife. It could be a long time.

*Instructable based on the poem by Bruno D'Arcy*



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16 Discussions

Lotsa Bad LuckEmmettO

Reply 5 years ago on Introduction

Taxidermy: the skill, activity, or job of preparing, stuffing, and mounting the skins of dead animals so that they look like they did when they were alive... because y'all are in denial about the death of Mittens, Scruffy, or Uncle Joe. LOL


9 years ago on Introduction

tbh i find this and all the other ibles by this member both useless and not belonging on this site, say what you want about me but i can see how this could become offensive to someone who has recently lost a loved one etc. the added support people give is only feeding the bad humour of this user

5 replies

Reply 9 years ago on Introduction

It's all in jest. I am personally a huge fan of joke instructables. If you are not, then don't bother typing up comments putting this person down.


Reply 9 years ago on Introduction

i thought this was a site on how to make and do things, topics that can be of use to people not a place for jokes. death is a serious matter and although the brunt of many jokes still isnt a laughing matter it would only take one person to have recently lost a loved one to kick up a lot of negative feedback for the site due to things like this.


Please understand that while you feel this instructable was in bad taste, fearing it would upset someone who just lost someone, you are assuming that those who have lost someone will (A) be on this site, and (B) that they WILL take offense.  I've lost family and friends over the years, everything from accidents to old age to watching friends die in my arms on a dirty jungle battlefield, and I can tell you that if you don't joke about the old grim reaper, it becomes a negative influence on you.  Stop trying to guilt folks with your feelings, and let us have the joy of laughter and fun shared.  If the potential for offending you is too prevalent here, you may need to either lighten up, and perhaps reevaluate your bookmark to this site.  Fun, laughter, humor are just part of the interaction among all peoples, and that is to be celebrated.  Please try to see it from that viewpoint, and you may well find a chuckle or two along the way.

did i say i was offended? i said it could be found offensive. being as me and a group of friends have a drinking game based on the obituary section of the local paper i can poke fun at death, owever death is serious business and not all people take it as lightly as me

"(H)owever death is serious business and not all people take it as lightly as me"

Sadly, we spend too much time worrying about offending 'someone' and are losing the gift of communication.  Man has made a joke of death as long as man has been on this dusty mortal coil.  It is a way of dealing with it that humans use to strengthen their mind in dealing with it, not to demean its effects or impact on others.

Death is a serious business only to the funeral home, the stone carver, and the grave digger.  The rest of us have to deal with it, best we can.  For some, it messes up a perfectly good day for golf!  Humor helps!

Not all people take it as lightly.  True, but to tell others they shouldn't express themselves because it might offend an as yet unidentified 'someone' is creating unnecessary negatives for all.  Normal people do not make a joke of death to those who have suffered a loss, but we all need to keep a grasp on our own self image and needs.  Don't worry that someone who loses a loved one is being offended, that is possible, but human compassion is more apparent then you seem to suppose.  Rather, let us agree to disagree, and simply enjoy a work of creative humor.  (I'm waiting for her Instructable on Terrorist Suppression, that ought to be a hoot!)

Joe Martin

9 years ago on Introduction

I have to disagree with "okoshima", I rather like your Instructables. The pictures are brilliant as they really make the Instructable, without them it would just be another crap joke instructable and the fact you based it on a poem is great!

I've subscribed to you, don't know why I didn't after your guide to climbing stairs. I like a good laugh!

2 replies

9 years ago on Introduction

As somebody who has recently died, I'd like to take a moment to thank you for your Instructable! ... What? I got better...

1 reply