My significant other likes to joke about corn poop. No matter how much I ask him to stop, he goes on and on about corn poop-- gross. So to teach him a lesson, I decided to leave a big ole corny turd on his desk for him to find. And, because I am not a psycho, I made it from chocolate.
Step 1: Materials
I based this on a truffle recipe, reasoning that truffles are soft and easy to mold into pleasing poo form. I made some edits to suit my tastes.
You will need:
- 8 oz. semi-sweet chocolate, either chips or a bar chopped fine
- 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
- 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
- a bag of Just Corn (I found mine at Sports Basement)
- 2 tablespoons Nutella
- 2 tablespoons Jack Daniels or other brown liquor
- 1/8 teaspoon sea salt
I included all the optional items, because I love Nutella, and booze, and salt.
You could substitute candy corn for the Just Corn, but it will lose the realism.
Note: I would normally not use chocolate chips to make candy, as they contain stabilizers that change the final texture. But this is poo, so I went the easy route.
Step 2: Heat the Cream
First, measure out your 8 oz. of chocolate. In this case, 8 oz. is a weight, not a volume, so we have to do math. Chocolate is about 6 oz. to the cup, so we need 1 and 1/3 cups. Put the chocolate in a large glass or metal bowl and set aside. You can also add your extra flavor ingredients- liquor, Nutella, orange rind, salt- to the chocolate chips at this time, no need to stir them in. Don't add the corn yet.
Put the 1/2 cup cream and 2 Tbs butter in a small saucepan and heat on medium-high, stirring constantly. We want the cream to heat evenly without burning, and so we stir. As soon as the cream/butter comes to a boil take it off the heat and pour it over the chocolate.
Step 3: Melt the Chocolate
Once you have poured the hot cream (titter) over your chocolate chips, use a spatula to poke the chocolate till it's submerged, then LEAVE IT ALONE for one-two minutes to let the heat sink in. If you poke it too much or try to stir it too soon the heat won't penetrate the chocolate and it'll be a lukewarm mess. Eat some Nutella while you wait, or something.
Now stir till the chocolate is smooth. If the chunks are stubbornly not coming out, you can either put your bowl in the microwave for 20 seconds at a time (which I don't like to do cause I think it makes it crumbly) or you can quickly rinse your cream saucepan out, boil some water in it, and pop the bowl on top for some double boiler action. This is why we used a glass or metal bowl- aren't we smart?
Step 4: Mold Your Poo
Once you're all nice and blended, cover the bowl and stick it in the fridge for a few hours. If you are impatient like me, you can stick it in the freezer and check on it periodically. Mine took about 1.5 hours in the freezer to turn to a pleasing Play-Dough consistency.
Lay out some freezer, parchment, or wax paper as a work surface. There are not a lot of pictures of the molding process, because my hands were covered in chocolate. Luckily, precision is not required. Just take a spoon (a melon baller, if you have one, would be awesome) and dig out some cherry tomato-sized chunks and roll them into balls of varying sizes. Then, stick the balls together end to end and smoosh them together, adding smaller bits on top and on the sides till it looks like a turd. I gave mine a saucy little upturned tapered end, cause I'm artistic like that.
Then, stick in your corn. Leave different amounts of the kernel exposed, and run your chocolatey fingers over them to lend a realisitic intestinal patina.
Step 5: Drop Your Log
Your brown little loaf will be fine in the fridge over night. Pack him up carefully and deliver him to your chosen locale. I had to be super sneaky, so I didn't get a shot of the poo on SO's desk, but I left it there lightly covered with a paper towel. Apparently he laughed for about ten minutes when he found it, showed it to all his office mates, and ate the whole thing (corn first). His boss says his respect for me was considerably elevated by the prank.
You will have a lot of leftover chocolate- you can make it into little balls and roll it in powdered sugar, cocoa, or shaved chocolate for polite (and delicious) consumption. Your truffles will need to be stored in the fridge though- after about 30 minutes they get really soft.
Happy pranking! Hopefully your day won't get any shittier than this :)