Not-so-veggie Veggie Burger




Don't go broke buying small veggie burger patties from the store. Build your own American portion sized veggie burgers. This recipe is not for vegans but rather for the discerning connoisseur who appreciates a tasty homemade veggie burger. I modified this recipe from Jolinda Hackett's Spicy TVP Burger , so please don't let me steal any credit for originality.

Step 1: Get Your Stuff Together

What you will need:
1.33 cups of TVP (Textured Vegetable Protein) You can buy this in bulk at your local health food store. TVP is a soy based processed food that isn't 100% healthy for you, so it should taste good.
20 ounces of Chicken Broth Although I should use vegetable broth to remain veggie, I figured why waste the bouillon I already have in the cupboard. The chicken's dead, don't waste 'em.
2 eggs beaten Sorry vegans, just be glad I don't include an animal cruelty joke about beating eggs at this point.
1 big jalapeno minced
2 cups white flour
0.5 onion minced
0.5 cups of chopped mushrooms
3 Tbsp of your favorite BBQ Sauce Great BBQ sauce is rarely vegan due to use of animal products.
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp Italian seasoning
oil for frying pan I used a spray oil, but you could use bacon grease since we're not being very veggie.

Step 2: Rehydrate Your TVP

TVP (Textured Vegetable Protein) is sold dry so you have to add broth rehydrate it for use. Being sold dry makes it a very cheap protein source, perfect for college students and broke vegetarians. I boil 20 ounces of water and add 2.5 tsp to it to make broth. If you're a bachelor without a measuring cup, then use your graduated Nalgene to measure liquids. Plus, that Nalgene bottle is so 2001 for the green-chic. Add broth and TVP in a large bowl and walk away for twenty minutes.

Step 3: MInce It Up

While you're waiting for the TVP to do its thing, mince up the onion, jalapeno and mushrooms. I tried to use a food processor and ended up liquifying everything to the consistency of baby food. Use a knife and cutting board there is more control and less cleaning time. Be careful when removing the seeds of the jalapeno before cutting it. I forgot that the seeds are where most of the heat comes from and I rubbed my eyes before washing my hands thoroughly. After pouring a half gallon of milk over my open eyeballs I was finally able to see.

Step 4: Add It Up

Drain all the excess moisture from the TVP by using a clean washcloth or colander. Then add all the rest of your ingredients to the big bowl with the TVP. Mix it all up till it's even.

Step 5: Fire Good

Grease two skillets and heat them just above medium on your range. Scoop raquetball sized portions out of the mixture and add to skillets. You should be able to easily fit four on each skillet. Fry them just before they blacken and be sure to flatten the patties after you flip them. As you wait for the burger to brown, you should rummage through your pantry for snacks to stuff in your face. No one trusts a bald barber, so why would one eat food from an anorexic chef?

Step 6: Cooling and Mobilizing

My wife has much more wisdom in the kitchen than I, so she demanded that the burgers cool on this nifty rack that I would have never purchased as a bachelor. I wanted to stack the burgers on a plate to cool, but the moisture retained by using this method would hurt the fantastic meat like texture of the veggie burger. When cooled you can stack whatever condiments and garnish you like on top.

I take one of these patties as a sandwich to work most everyday. The best way to preserve the greatness of the burger is to toast your bread before packing it in a reusable plastic container. The toast won't be crispy when you reheat the burger in the microwave, but it also won't disintegrate from the moisture. Don't forget to top with your favorite cheese. Cheese is an important part of this meal as well as your love-handles.




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28 Discussions


9 years ago on Introduction

You poor little mistreated thing . . . I feel so sorry for you. It's sad but also a little funny how insecure people who also happen to be omnivorous always seem to think vegans are lower on some kind of totem pole than they are, and thus will be willing to take this kind of stupid abuse. Vegans only EAT lower on the food chain, which some folks might argue is actually a virtue.

Where you've gone wrong is in making the mistake of equating kindness and compassion with weakness. I realize it's a bit threatening that there are people out there who actually think about the effects of their actions, but you might try it sometime - you might find a source of that pride and self-worth you are so clearly lacking. I'm sure once you grow up a little and learn some self-esteem you won't feel such a need to be quite so transparently offensive.

1 reply

Reply 7 years ago on Introduction


take it easy! Some people just don't get it. As an omnivore I try to avoid eating animal protein that comes from factory farms or any other place that abuses livestock of any kind from chickens to beef cattle
I don't have a moral problem with being a meat eater but, I certainly have a problem with unnecessary cruelty in the acquisition of that food source.
That's where my conscience is and I can appreciate you for the stand you take for your conscience.It isn't easy to be different nor is it easy to make a dietary change as drastic as going vegan. Good for you!
I tried the vegetarian dietary change back in '73 and lasted for two months, my downfall was Thanksgiving dinner. Somehow spuds, corn and squash just didn't get it. Maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe spiritual, or maybe just good old compassion for a fellow being, either way stick with your ethics.



10 years ago on Introduction

Careful with that TVP stuff. There's all kinds of literature on the dangers of the plant estrogens in unfermented soy on the human body.

7 replies

Reply 7 years ago on Introduction

Ha, Ha, Ha!! That is some crazy smack there! Actually ALL the thirties women I have know with fertility issues have been meat eaters.


9 years ago on Introduction

Just in case any vegans actually want to make this recipe, but because of the eggs can't, you can substitute apple sauce for the eggs.