Portal Cake (NOT a Lie)




Introduction: Portal Cake (NOT a Lie)

About: Meh. I'm an average, mildly psychotic, occasionaly hyper teen. I found this site searching for coil guns, and stayed for the other awesome stuff here. Might make one or two instructables if i get bored enough.

I've wanted to make this ever since I first saw the Cake contest. Honestly, I'm surprised no-one has made one, save the Rick Roll cake, which is a lie. So at the urging of the voices in my head, my GLaBox360, and siblings, I made the cake. I'll admit, this project had a steep learning curve. Could it have turned out better? Of course, but it was delicious(and moist) nonetheless. So enough babbling, let's make some cake already!

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Step 1: Gather Materials

Best not to constantly raid the cupboard, Just get what you want now. The nice thing about the portal cake is that you can't be too sure what the hack what is. Are those red things cherries, rhubarb, or high explosive? You never can tell. However, what I used:
-Cake Mix (One box, plus whatever it says you need)
-Chocolate (I used chips, you could use shavings, squares, whatever)
-Frosting (White, for sure)
-Maraschino Cherries

Equipment wise, you'll want:
-Two 9-inch pans (Nonstick, preferably)
-Wax paper
-Pam (For if you don't have Teflon pans. Trust me, you'll need this)
-A Mixing bowl
-A mixer (Someone to mix for you, the electric kind, or both. It's up to you)
-An oven
-Cake stand

Step 2: Make the Cake Bases

No real instructions here, they're on the box. If you really desperately need instructions, you probably shouldn't be cooking. But, do please remember to spray your pans with non-stick, we forgot the first time around, and one of the cakes broke, irreparably. We had to bake another batch, but hey, we got a free third layer. Whatever works, I guess.

Step 3: Gentlemen, Start Your Frosting!

Now that you have your cake out, and hopefully not in pieces, now is the time to start your frosting base, which the chocolate will stick to. Put the first layer on a plate(you can put wax paper under it, if you're so inclined), and put a layer of frosting on the top of the cake. You want a thin layer, just enough for the second layer to grip to. Repeat, if you were so unlucky to mess up your first batch of cake. Now, put a medium layer on the top of the cake, along with along the sides. I don't have much of a solution to frosting the sides, I simply went over it with my knife again and again until it was all smooth.

Step 4: Now, the Chocolate

Now that the cake is frosted, we get to add that brown stuff. No, not THAT kind, I mean chocolate. Depending on the size of your food processor put a batch of chocolate chips in, and turn it on, pulsing every few seconds. They key is to break the chips into tinier pieces. After that's done, start putting you pieces all around the cake. It took me about almost two bags to cover my cake.

Step 5: Finish Up the Cake

Now, all we need are the cherries and candle. First, mark the eight spots where the cherries will be with whipped cream, and put the cherries on. Then, put a tiny dab of cream in the center, and jab yer candle right there. Light it, and you're done. YAY!

Step 6: Eat That Cake!

Why else would you make a cake? If I have to give you detailed instructions for this, then I'm sorry, I can't help you whatsoever.

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    18 Discussions


    10 years ago on Introduction

    This was a triumph.
    I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
    It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

    Aperture Science:
    We do what we must because we can.
    For the good of all of us
    Except the ones who are dead.

    (Chorus 1)
    But there's no sense crying over every mistake
    You just keep on trying till you run out of cake
    And the science gets done and you make a neat gun
    For the people who are still alive.

    I'm not even angry.
    I'm being so sincere right now.
    Even though you broke my heart and killed me.
    And tore me to pieces.
    And threw every piece into a fire.
    As they burned it hurt because
    I was so happy for you.

    (Chorus 2)
    Now these points of data make a beautiful line
    And we're out of beta we're releasing on time.
    So I'm GLaD I got burned think of all the things we learned
    For the people who are still alive.

    Go ahead and leave me.
    I think I prefer to stay inside.
    Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
    Maybe Black Mesa -
    Anyway, this cake is great:
    It's so delicious and moist.

    (Chorus 3)
    Look at me still talking when there's science to do.
    When I look out there it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
    I've experiments to run there is research to be done
    On the people who are still alive

    And believe me I am still alive.
    I'm doing science and I'm still alive.
    I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
    While you're dying I'll be still alive.
    And when you're dead I will be still alive.

    Still alive
    Still alive

    Duct Tape Dude
    Duct Tape Dude

    Reply 10 years ago on Introduction

    Nice!!! I gave it a 3.5 cuz it looked kinda slumpy...but overall nice job!!


    12 years ago on Introduction

    Kind of dumb, but what's a portal cake? Still, very nice job.


    Reply 12 years ago on Introduction

    [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portal_(video_game)#Story Here you go.] :]

    "Chell is promised cake and grief counseling as her reward for completing all the test chambers."
    "The final scene, after a long and speedy zoom through the bowels of the facility, shows a mix of shelves surrounding a chocolate cake and the Weighted Companion Cube."


    11 years ago on Introduction

    The cake IS a lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(note how angry i am, do not joke about the cake not being a lie)


    Reply 11 years ago on Introduction

    sry, too many !s, it cut out some of what it said(which was !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(note


    12 years ago on Introduction

    I was bored enough to put together a diagram.


    "Honestly, I'm surprised no-one has made one, save the Rick Roll cake, which is a lie."
    Actually...there was one, certainly not a lie either. :]

    But I don't mind at all, that was back in November of last year, so I'm barred from submitting it. I'm glad someone managed to drum up the effort to enter an another incarnation of the Portal Cake!


    Reply 12 years ago on Introduction

    You know, I was actually a bit worried that someone would mention yours, and say something like: "OMG j00r n0t 0r1g1nalz, j00 pl4yg3r1z3r LOLOLOL" Thanks for the support!