Resort-Cross (or Resort-X for short) is a sport designed specifically for new parents who once participated, religiously, on the Pro Leisure Tour and are trying now to make sense of their new resort bound lives. Think this sport might be for you? Read on...
Are you someone who used to think of luxury accommodations as a bivy at 10,000 feet? Did your idea of fun used to revolve around climbing routes so hard you cried for your mommy? When you heard 24 inches and 6 lbs - did you think steelhead and not baby?
But do you now have one or more children and therefore spend your precious vacation time at resorts - and preferably the ones with the best pools? Do you have a basement full of outdoor gear but only a vague recollection of how it works? Do you spend time researching diaper bags and strollers with the same focus as you once applied to backpacks and skis? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then this sport is for you.
Step 1: How to Play
Check into a resort.
Put your child/children into a bicycle trailer, hitch it to your bike and hand him/her a bag of goldfish crackers. Head out on your bike. Follow paved resort bike paths to various resort facilities. Just like cycle-cross (remember when you used to ride bikes competitively?) stop and hop off your bike - grab the kid from the carrier and play a sport. Then hop back on/in and head to the next sport. The family with the most points before nap time wins.
Step 2: Points Awarded As Follows
Points are earned as follows:
For every "resort rider" you say hi to = 5 pts (Note: "resort riders" are those people on upright rental bikes with white socks and white sneakers who look like aliens to you even though now you are one of them)
If you ride to a pool and swim = 10 points
If the pool has a spray park = 5 bonus points
If you ride to a golf course and put or hit balls = 15 points
If you ride to playground = 7 points
If you have to change a diaper on the trail = 5 points
If there are rattlesnakes in the area of the diaper change or if it's a poopy diaper = 5 bonus points
If you stop for a meal, have a few beers and have to ride up hill to get home = 15 points
If your kid can feed him/herself goldfish crackers by using his/her toes = 5 points
If he/she can do it with socks on = 5 bonus points
If your kid falls asleep in the carrier and you get to stay outside longer = 20 points
If your child catches a toad = 100 points
Step 3: Points Deducted As Follows
Points will be deducted if:
Your child spills the gold fish crackers in the carrier
You forget to bring diapers and wipes
You fail to say hi to other riders or walkers
You forget to put your kid back in carrier and leave him/her at a resort facility
Participated in the
Horny Toad Invent-a-Sport Contest