Hello and welcome to the tl;dr (too long, didn't read) version of How to Survive the Apocalypse. The idea of this Instructable is to give you a comprehensive summary of what to do in the face of calamity in the shortest amount of time possible. Maybe the apocalypse is happening right now and you don't have enough time to read those 100 page guides on how to survive and thrive in a post-apocalyptic world or you get bored easily, whatever the case maybe here is the tl;dr version of how to survive the Apocalypse.
***REMEMBER: THESE STEPS ARE LISTED IN ORDER OF PRIORITY***
Step 1: Evaluate Your Situation
Are zombies rising from the ground? If yes, don't touch them. If no, proceed.
Are aliens blowing up your city? If yes, don't die. If no, proceed.
Is there a plague breaking out across your country? If yes, stay indoors and make multiple Instructable accounts to like, subscribe and vote for this Instructables to avoid contamination. If no,proceed.
Is there torrential rain flooding the city? If yes, use an umbrella. If no, proceed.
Have robots overrun the human race? If yes, turn them off. If no, proceed.
Have _insert some terrifying scenario_ destroyed _insert object/place of importance_? If yes, do _insert l logical action_. If no, take a nap.
In all seriousness, evaluate your situation carefully so you know what to expect and can plan ahead of time.
Step 2: Self Defense
If the apocalypse you are currently experiencing requires you to immediately defend yourself (i.e zombies, hostile robots, communists) locate a weapon that you feel you are able to operate without hurting yourself more than the enemy.
For example, Conservatives would reach for their AR-15's next to their nightstand, and liberals would wield their local law enforcement agencies.
If you do not have access to a firearm, a spear or any type of weapon that allows you to maintain a distance from your assailants is a good choice. Here are some ideas:
-knife taped to a broom handle
-slingshot or a bow
-a young child
Step 3: Shelter
If you are not in any immediate physical danger from hostile entities, shelter is the next priority.
Examples of good shelters:
Examples of bad shelters:
-A zoo with hungry animals
-Your parent's basement. Grow up nerd.
Step 4: Food and Water
The necessity of one is pretty self explanatory.
Ways to obtain water:
-A water bottle
-An underground well
-A stream/lake (needs to be boiled/decontaminated first)
-Reverse Osmosis Desalination Quantum Astro-Physics (abbrv. N.O.P.E)
Ways to obtain food:
-Food Stamps (ty obama)
Step 5: Long Term Goals
Ok great. You've got some food, you've got a gun, and heck you've even got a decent cave. Now what?
One must keep in mind, that chances favor a prepared mind. Realizing that all these previous steps are only temporary solutions to an apocalypse, one must begin to plan his or her own future.
How to plan your post-apocalyptic future:
-Go to college (major in Apocalyptic Survival)
-Buy your dream car (one that gets 100 MPG yet can withstand a mortar strike)
-Build a sustainable food source ( a farm, fishing traps in the ocean, etc)
-Build a sustainable water source (well, desalinization factory, etc.)
-Build an impenetrable fortress/ shelter (Castle, fortress, Watergate)
Step 6: The Most Important Step
This is one important bit of advice overlooked by many apocalypse survival guides that one should keep in mind if her or she desires to make it out of the apocalypse alive.
Seriously,in order to survive the apocalypse you CANNOT die.
Step 7: ALL DONE!
Congrats! You probably maybe won't die in the event of an apocalypse.
I hope you've gleaned enough information to stay alive in this quickie tl;dr survival guide to the apocalypse!
Good Luck and Don't Die!!!
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