After growing a full beard I shaved it into a rakish moustache, sure to tantalize even the most fickle mustachio aficionado. I soon noticed a change all around me, everywhere I went women were mesmerized and drawn to me, and men wanted duel in the streets.
Whoa, moustaches have a strange, powerful effect on people.
Don't take my word for it, here's some interesting trivia about just how awesome moustaches are:
- In a standard deck of playing cards the King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache.
- Scientific research, commissioned by the Guinness Brewing Company, found that the average mustachioed Guinness drinker traps a pint and a half of beer in their moustaches every year.
- On average a man with a moustache touches it 760 time in a 24 hr day.
- The oldest artifact portraying a moustache was from 300.BC
- Burt Reynolds is widely considered the world's 'Manliest Man' (c.1972), in no small part to his full moustache.
Men with moustaches are better lovers.Ok, I made that one up.
Follow along and learn 10 unusual uses for moustaches!
1 (citation needed)
Step 1: Disguise / Villian / 80's Trucker
Probably the single greatest attribute your moustache can lend you is the ability to disguise yourself: a novelty hat, a few odd garments and you have yourself an instant disguise.
Here we have a classic example of someone who would seamlessly blend into any background. Non-descriptive bland clothing, oversize hat, mirrored-shades and a moustache..who was that man? Maybe we'll never know.
Nothing makes you look more sinister than a devious moustache. I could probably trust this guy if it wasn't for the moustache, I mean look at him: Cape, top hat, cane, he could be a magaici....wait a minute. Is that a moustache? He went from possible magic-performer to the antagonist from just about every episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle.
If wearing white shutter-shades, high-boxed baseball caps and neon isn't enough, throw a moustache into the mix and *bam!*; automatic 80's credentials. You'll look so authentic Marty McFly wouldn't even question which time you're from. Make sure you make that awkward 80's face we all made back then, too, it really sells the look.
Step 2: Soup Strainer
Don't you hate it when your thick soup separates while it's cooling and all the floaty bits rise to the top? That first sip is always so unpleasant, if only there was some way to strain out those pesky floaty bits and get to the tender goodies hidden under the top layer. Enter, moustache!
If you let your lip-fur grow untamed eventually the hairs will grow past your upper lip and form a sieve before your mouth, kind of like how blue whales strain out krill. Your floaty bits would be the soup equivalent to krill, and you, dear reader, would be the whale.
Step 3: Decision Maker
If I've learned anything from Dateline and FOX News it's that moustached, faceless, multinational companies are running the world and making all the decisions on my behalf. Obviously I was powerless before to stop this, but my new moustache gave me the perfect 'in'. Wearing some important-looking clothing I managed to sneak my way into a few upper-echelon meetings.
During my time in some high-glossed cedar-walled office I waxed on about "How Q2 was under-performing due to new tax legislation" and that "the new CAO had not yet received adequate consultation on the last GIPS". The other corporate Bigwigs and I hobnobed for a while; we laughed some, drank a snifter of brandy and smoked a cigar, I'm also pretty sure I fired a few people too before I left, for good measure.
Making important decisions is hard but moustache and I pulled it off like pros.
Step 4: Cookie Duster
After all those important decisions it was time for a cookie or two (finally).
The only ones I could find were some old, dusty ones hidden in the back of the cupboard. Sensing that my moustache was becoming hungry I decided that eating them would be the wiser then not eating, thereby upsetting my new mouth-friend, despite the amount of dirt that had acumulated on top of each cookie.
My moustache was only too happy to help out, carefully dusting the top of each one before entering my mouth. While my moustache swept I enjoyed clean (albeit stale) cookies. What a team!
Step 5: Mustache Rides
After growing my moustache I noticed that I started to have some really strange dreams. There's this one reoccurring dream I have where I'm Aladdin flying on a my trusty carpet, only this was a really weird carpet made out of animal fur and shaped like a boomerang and we just kept going back and forth to this cave in the desert to collect scarabs.
I don't know what that means, and even the roadside-gypsy I later consulted about an interpretation was dumbstruck.
Step 6: New Trichotillomania Site
Maybe you're not content with pulling your scalp or sideburns, everyone with trichotillomania would probably love to have a new site to discover. To be honest I suffer from this, it's totally subconscious and more facial hair made it worse; a full beard almost destroyed my face.
Seriously, Mike, stop it.
Step 7: Shoe/nail/dish Brush
The hair on my head is just like my moustache, various colours and thick. I've been told my head hair reminds people of a beaver's pelt, or a Brillo Pad. With this in mind I set to task looking for ways my handsome hirsute 'stache could be put to use.
Shoe polish application:
I discovered that my moustache was perfect for applying a good coat of polish to my nice dress shoes, the grain of the leather really took the polish with the application from such a stiff, natural bush.
My nails were covered with compound after applying the polish, so I took a shower and managed to get my nails clean while cleaning my moustache!
Later that evening it was my turn to help wash the dishes, regrettably my moustache volunteered before I could and I ended up washing dishes with my moustache until my face became all pruney.
Step 8: Foamy Frappe Remover
Ever notice how when you order your ventisoymilkextrashotnofatcaramelfrappuccino how it always seems like you have to mine your way through all that foam to get to your goods? I mean, I'd ask them not to give me so much whip if the barista could hear me over everyone shouting orders all over the place. Instead I just endure and wait in the crowded Starbizzle for my oversized, foamy mess and ponder how to consume.
Only today it's different, I came prepared with my own foamy frappe remover! My moustache was able to hold back the tasty topping and allow me to get to the frozen caffeinated goodness below.
Teamwork, it's a beautiful thing.
Step 9: Air Bubble Retention
How many times have I found myself in a near-death drowning situation only wishing I had a few extra bubbles nearby for that last little bit of air? Seriously, it's like a weekly occurrence.
Depending on how long your moustache is it may be long enough to trap air bubbles, thereby giving you a few additional precious seconds to stay underwater and evade capture. Just like in A View to a Kill with James Bond, except you're not using a car tire to stay alive just the air your moustache has trapped on your descent. Which is probably plenty, or at least more than your smooth-faced comrades.
Just look at the pictures, I can see at least 3 solid bubbles there. That's got to be.. what, 5 minutes of air? With all these bubbles around and my moustache-cum-air-trapper you might as well just give me a snorkel.
Step 10: Chin Puppet
Here's a quick clip from an evening where the gnome is given a cigarette that he doesn't want:
Step 11: Bonus: a Fresh Face
Now that you've had a fun time scaring children and showing up on police blotters it's time to retire the tuft. Be thankful for the time you spent together and the new experiences that came because of it:you dusted cookies, you made shoes shine, you were a majestic blue whale, a global executive with a VSOP collection. You were a god among men. In reality it was mostly scared screams, double-takes, and crying infants.
Through my moustache travels I discovered that though some women find the allure and mystique of a moustached man irresistible, but most prefer a smooth shave to be close to. After shaving my face I went looking for a big sloppy kiss to try and authenticate my smooth-face theory, but being single I had to improvise for this picture, but you get the idea.
Do you have a crazy moustache?! I want to see it!
Post a picture in the comments of your awesome real or fake moustache and you'll get a digital patch!
Action shots of something crazy get 3-month Pro memberships!