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DIVORCE GOOD OR BAD Answered

my paRents recently got a divorce and well custody is like ping pong hey mom ping hey dad pong ( u get the point) but they never see the kids point of view ( kids aren't aloud to play ping pong )cause they are the ball but what your point of view would u be ok leaving someone u promised to love in sickness and in health and cause some serious trama for your kids or do u think thats ok ..................................................GOOD OR BAD u decide .

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My personal view here is.... Divorce is NEVER OK. You get married to spend the rest of your life with someone. If you can't keep that commitment yourself and/or there is any chance at all you think your partner can't. DON'T GET MARRIED. I do understand things happen but people treat marriage like a sport...you don't like how much money your making or another "team" has better perks you just switch teams. it doesn't work like that people. how hard is it to stay single and do what you want....or make a decision and stick to it? not hard at all.....people are just stupid. As far as you go kid....take a stand..... this is entirely your parents fault and you tell them straight up. I'll decide where I go and when since you two are to immature to make smart choices. if they don't like it.....tell them to stop being idiots. I believe all males should have vasectomies at birth. you need to get a dog license, you need a cat license, you need a license to see if your smart enough to drive a car or even do some jobs. You should damn well need a license to have children. if your application is approved.... you can reverse your vasectomy. Sorry kid, I know what its like..... my parents divorced when I was 7...... all I can say is.....move on.....and don't take there shyt, they lost there privileges to decide who you live with

So, in my situation, I should have stayed married to her, despite her affinity for sleeping with other men every night; until I finally got a disease and died ? I don't think so. Supporting her bad habit is enabling, and I wasn't going to continue to enable her.

no, defiantly divorce the double u hore but you probably coulda seen it coming prior to marrying her if you really sat down and thought about things its not so much that divorcing her was wrong in that situation..... marrying here in the first place was the bad move

but you probably coulda seen it coming prior to marrying her if you really sat down and thought about things

No, there was no way to see that she would get tired of me and seek out others. People do not work that way. One can not read minds, nor predict the future actions of others. As one college (a psych student) said to me once: " believing you can predict complex actions of others is living in fantasy land."

Wow... complete blanket ban on divorce (that got 180o reversed following one comment from Goodhart) and eugenics? That's an impressive amount of moralising.

Let me ask you something- what's the longest romantic relationship you've ever been in? Assuming that you have ever been in one that you are no longer in, couldn't you have seen it wasn't going to last for the rest of your life? Then wouldn't it have been more sensible not to have started in the first place? Or perhaps you married the first person you ever dated and are still together, in which case you're lucky enough to have never had your heart broken because someone turned out not to be the person you thought they were.

Newsflash- you're not the only person whose parents divorced. The difference is, some of us can still see the value in marriage, even if people change over the course of several decades, and perhaps the best option if that happens is for them to stop forcing themselves to continue a pretense of having a normal relationship. I'm damn sure I'd take having one parent around rather than two parents who hated each other but were forcing themselves to live with someone they couldn't stand. Yes, divorce is painful and difficult and bad for any children of the marriage, but sometimes a bad thing is still the best option. Life isn't black and white.

Amen to that. (Raises glass)

my entire point is, Divorce needs to be removed from the marriage equation. People marry because if it doesn't work out they can get divorced. The entire point and reason for getting married is because you are 100% sure that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and when things go bad, you like the person enough to make it work and charge through even though your not happy at the moment.

When you get married, you don't get divorced. Hence "for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, through sickness and in health" it doesn't say "until I can't stand the b*&h anymore"

P.S. This post is from a long time ago, I only read a couple to catch up, so hopefully I'm relevant.

Divorce needs to be removed from the marriage equation.

Why?

It goes without saying that divorce should not be undertaken lightly, or frivolously, or treated as a get-out clause for taking responsibility for your life, but why rule it out altogether?

Divorces are usually bad for children of the marriage, yes, but what if the alternative (infidelity, abuse, etc.) is worse? I don't buy "well you should have seen it coming" or "you shouldn't have got married in the first place" as an excuse. I can't predict the future. Can you?

Look at how much the world changed between 1920 and 1960. With the pace of technological and social progression I can almost guarantee you it will change that much again by 2050. Are you seriously saying that we don't know whether the human race will live on the moon in four decades' time, but you are willing to say with such certainty that the person you want to live with at 20 will still be someone you want to live with at 60 that you want to absolutely rule out any alternative?

If there was no possibility of divorce, I'd probably never get married- I don't know who I'm going to be in a couple of decades, let alone any prospective wife.

I also read an interesting article recently countering the tired argument that "gays are destroying the insitution of marriage" by pointing out that straight people have done a pretty good job over the last sixty years. The loss of stigma associated with children born to unmarried parents, independence and careers for women, contraception, lengthening lifespans and the view that you marry someone for love rather than as a business contract are all changing the role marriage plays.

I haven't even mentioned religion in this response, because I don't consider it relevant. If you think divorce should be outlawed because marriage is a religious institution, fine, but that's not relevant to my (hypothetical) marriage, or my parents', or any of my married or engaged friends (except perhaps one, I guess- YKWYA).

All of this really boils down to one simple argument- rather than attach taboos to certain actions and decree that they are never ok ever, I believe there's no problem with doing "bad" things if they are still the best option. You can quote me on that in any debate about divorce, abortion, euthanasia, etc., you'll probably find me arguing the same corner.

(Incidentally, I wouldn't exist if it were not for divorce- both of my parents were on their second marriages. Not that I'm biased or anything :P)

I agree with what you say, but 100% sure, sure is hard. What if the other person hasn't told you something? What if the person changes?

All I'm saying is that although you deffinitely do not want divorce, sometimes it's inevitable. Whether you wish for it or not. Whether or not you were 100% sure, but maybe not any more.

How do you see something like that? Have you had experience with this?

Ah, the mind reader and prophet |:-)

No, I have seen some really "nice" people "change" i.e. do a 180o after a marriage.
If you believe in the Bible, even God divorced....twice....and He will one more time. If not, ignore that part of the argument :-)

STDs and AIDS are diseases of love, didn't you hear?

Equating sex and love is like saying your fingernail is your whole hand. :-)

I hate it when people say that. there are different kinds of love...... and when it comes to a relationship between a man and a women...... sex is defiantly a factor in that love. if you were never going to sleep with her ever.... would you be with her?

It is a factor, but it "isn't love", no more than a finger nail is THE finger. Do you see what I mean?

you can't have that kind of love without it....... you can have sex without love....... but you can't have love without sex not till death do us part love anyways

Ask any old, but physically dysfunctional couple whether they can or can not. They really can :-) And there are many examples of this, not just with the aged but also marriages with quadriplegics and etc. I feel, and I may be way off base here, but this is just an opinion, I feel you may be stating what you could not "do without" but this then excludes the thousands and thousands of those that do so, and are very happy.

ask those same old people if they would be with that person if it meant never in there entire relationship would they ever have sex.

But you effectively said you cannot have a car without the sex by saying but you can't have love without sex, or am I mistaken.

but you can't have love without sex

not till death do us part love anyways

Ugh, tell that to those elderly that no longer partake *whistles quietly*, or tell that to your Mom (unless you don't love her of course). :-)

No it's like oreo creme with no biscuit around it... Ok I do apologize for all connotations in advance...

No it's like oreo creme with no biscuit around it...

tasteless? LOL

almost pure sugar doesn't have much of a distinct taste, except sweetness. :-) but the cookie (or biscuit) is chocolate ;-)

but the cookie (or biscuit) is chocolate ;-)

Exactly the analogy, otherwise it's just sweetness...

I like that one...

While divorce may never be okay, it sometimes becomes a necessity to sustain one partner's mental health. My ex had a side to her that she hid for years. I never suspected anything and then something snapped. She became derisive and extremely verbally abusive with seemingly no provocation. No provocation, you ask? Surely I must have done something. Well I have looked and looked and I can't find anything. I was walking on pins and needles just to avoid the daily drubbing. Just before the abuse started, she convinced me that I needed psychological help for some short comings she perceived. Fortunately for me the psychologist made me recognize that the wife was my problem. Soon all hell broke loose. One thing I had learned long before was never to accuse a woman of having personal problems, so I'm not sure what happened. Not long after that her family came to visit bringing her younger brother and his girlfriend. During the visit there were two gigantic fights among her family. I have never seen anything like it anywhere. It was all verbal and all at the top of their voices. Shrieking and shouting, door slamming, they were almost foaming at the mouth. That's when I realized what my future looked like if I stayed with her. Fortunately there were no children. Had their been children I would have fought like crazy to keep them from seeing that sort of demonstration ever again. That chain of abuse needs to stop at some generation. I firmly believe that children need a mother and father, grandparents, and aunts and uncles, all in an intact family. However, it might be more important that they have a non abusive childhood than that they have the intact family.

My guess, she never hide it....... you were just "in love" and refused to see it another cause of not thinking things through you can't change a person.....if there not EXACTLY what you want when you meet them....they never will be, there not gonna change

I always believed what you say is true, but there are exceptions. I am almost certain I would have noticed a girlfriend shouting at me in vicious anger at the top of her voice. I cannot remember even disagreeing on something that one of us did not politely give in to the other. In my family arguments rarely happened, but if they did, nobody raised their voice. Anything beyond polite discussion always gets my attention. I live in San Antonio and often see the famous "Latin blood" displayed in fiery family arguments. Those arguments usually end with equally hearty apologies and a true making up. I could deal with that. No, my wife went way beyond what I see in the Hispanic culture and there was no making up. Also my wife and I worked at the same place. It was interesting to see her being sweetness and light at work and then changing into Mr Hyde at home. Just to follow on, she later married the brother of a friend of ours. Her new inlaws loved the idea that they were going to see more of her. Then it happened to the new husband, too. Before their marriage I struggled with the idea of telling her fiance about her. I decided not to because he was truly blinded by love. Later he and I discussed the problems and he agreed that he would not have listened to me. I had already told his sister (our friend), but you really cannot understand the situation until you see it yourself. Another friend of mine married a man and six months later discovered he was alcoholic. He hid it from her while they were dating. Another friend married a man she had dated for a year. He waited until they were married to begin beating her. She left him on their wedding night. There are exceptions.

Eh, if you hit a really rough patch and things are simply becoming to effing sad, then yes, I suggest you just divorce post-haste.

CAPS LOCK BAD!

my mom is a drunk, so..............if your mom is anything like mine, stay with your dad

Divorce is never ideal. Marriage should never be entered casually. Children should have a mom and a dad.... But here in the real world, bad things happen, and often they happen to good people. Take this as a (painful) learning experience, and determine to do differently (if it's at all possible) with your own life. Also, tell both parents how you really feel. If they can't handle that, they need to grow up!

Well, the divorce is a good thing, because people that don't really love each other don't have to be together anymore. But the hell that insues afterward is always bad. Parent: I don't like your style of parenting, I'm taking custody! Parent: No I'm taking custody! My parents went through a divorce, a long long time ago. And my life was pretty crappy for a couple of years (had to live at my aunts house for a while). It wasn't pretty. Eventually I got what I wanted, living with my mom, but it only came after a long time. Everything will work out in the end. You just have to wait a while. As long as you stay out of it, and let the parent business be the parent business. Just remember that your parents love you, and only want to do what is best for you.

Look Doc,
You've got a useful thought there...counseling patience= good idea. I think, though, that what has happened here is you've taken it upon yourself to make a rather sweeping, declarative statement.
"Everything will work out in the end"?...?
? Really?
Well, Goodhart is definitely onto something, IMO, since the complex world and the complex culture and the complex people are difficult to shoehorn into a tidy picture of how things would be if everyone were just "nicer" to each other. (Or other potential improvements).
As far as my understanding of this site, its fora and all the other features which are included,... well, this is a great place to network, blow off steam, etc.
But shouldn't a kid whose parents are divorcing have some options for social interaction aside from strangers with no vested interest in his/her welfare?
I'm just trying to ask the question which follows...Is this the best place for a conversation like this?
Say, aceLEd, when my folks split up 17 years ago, it seemed like everyone who knew about it had something to say. Unasked-for advice flew thick and fast. But the truth is, I still had to figure out for myself what was a proper way for me to handle it on a day-to-day basis. Good luck making your own way in this situation.

well the sad part is every thing did work out in the end they are actual getting along very nice they even send thing back to each other on valentines day but they can't get back together because of the divorce made everything acward so in my opinion the spectator of this whole thing let the bad times get bad and your good times will become great times because in the end u will regret it

The main import is that most things can be either good or bad, depending on how they are handled, received, dealt with, and adjusted to. Divorce, in and of itself, is not good nor bad. But it is reality.

And yes, everyone seems like they have something to say. Trust me, family can be a (censored). But when someone asks for opinion, why not respond? And strangers who have no vested interest in his/her welfare? I care. I care for every person whose parents go through a divorce, because I know what happens.

Okay, so the "everything will work out in the end" statement is a little broad and useless. So howabout this: Don't take the divorce under your control. It isn't your fault that your parents divorced, and they are looking for your best interests. If they act like big adults, they will do what ever possible to make you happy, even in this unfortunate circumstance. And everything will not work out in the end. Or at least not in the sense that, "Your mommy and daddy will get back together again and live happily ever after" television stereotype. They will stay separated. And they are probably doing the best that they can. The constant bickering that comes with a divorce might end (unless they enjoy the relentless bickering over who gets the SUV). Custody might be split evenly, which is probably the happiest of the few endings. You get to spend one week with one parent, then the next week with the other parent. And flip flop weeks for the rest of your life. You could end up with one parent having sole custody of you, where one parent is your main provider. You live with them, and only get to see your other parent every other weekend and two hours on wednesday. Or, you could never see one of your parents again because of "incidents". Which is what happened to me, after the first two. So instead of "Everything will work out in the end", it's more like, "Everything will eventually end". Eventually.

when it started I ended up living in a hotel for 3 months because my family disaprooved my mom so I couldn't stay at a relatives

Although I was married once before myself, there were no children involved. She did not like our bed at home so she spent most nights in other people's beds. I didn't agree that this was the way a marriage should be, so we divorced.

I don't want to laugh, but the way you explained it.

chuckles

'tis ok, the only way I finally was able to get around the whole thing was to make fun of the situation and laugh at it. So I tend to make light of it even though I certainly learned a lot from the encounter (besides, I wanted to keep it fairly family safe, verbiage-wise ;-).

PS: I have learned to find humor in the insanity of the world, if I didn't, I would be insane myself by now Renfield Laugh