Outsmart the Machines: How to Poop in Peace

by birdunks

16K3319

Intro: Outsmart the Machines: How to Poop in Peace

A few years ago my work moved to a shiny new office. With it came some fancy new commodes that flush all by themselves. Whew no more touching the flusher and getting all those germs on my hands for the 10 second walk to the sink! The problem with these fancy toilets is any little adjustment while sitting and WHOOSH! flush goes the potty and you are left with a lovely mist of water on your fanny.

What am I to do?!

The solution is the 4 step, 3 sheet solution.

STEP 1: Locate the "eye"

The first step is to find the toilet's eye. I imagine it to be like the Terminator's eye, scanning my every move. Find it and never take your eyes off of it.

STEP 2: Reach for the TP

Now that you see the eye, it is time to give it a temporary blindfold. Grab 3* sheets of toilet paper and carefully drape them over the eye. It is now blind to all that you hope to accomplish in the stall.

*I have done thorough research and found that the perfect number is 3. 2 sheets if not enough and 4 is just wasteful.

STEP 3: Do What You Came Here to Do.

Relax and do your business. Wiggle, squirm and otherwise be happy on the potty.

STEP 4: Flush!

When you are all finished, stand up, stand back and remove the TP blindfold from the toilet. Having regained full sight the toilet should immediately scan the scene and flush.

STEP 5: TL;DR

Cover the sensor on an automatic toilet with some TP so it doesn't flush while you are seated #firstworldproblems.

18 Comments

Harvard82 8 years ago

post it notes also work well.

birdunks 8 years ago

but then you have to carry post it notes into the bathroom. everyone is looking at you wondering... "what is he taking notes on in there?!"

StringGoddess 5 years ago

We had auto-flush toilets at my last job, so I just kept a small Post-it stuck to the back of my badge holder. If anyone asked, I said it was it my "flush preventer".

mrstan 8 years ago

Just leave the paper on and will be a landmine for the next weary traveler.. LOL

lm5392 8 years ago

thank you for this tip was always a problem B4

thepantheonzaibatsu 8 years ago

Love it! Good for you for having the guts to post this wonderful hack. :)

wilwrk4tls 8 years ago

So now you can build your paper nest in peace...

And, while this is indeed a first world problem, it is one I will still champion wholeheartedly!

GGinNJ 8 years ago

Reminds me of that statement "dear automatic flushing toilet, while I admire your enthusiasm, I wasn't finished yet!"

GGinNJ 8 years ago

Reminds me of that statement "dear automatic flushing toilet, while I admire your enthusiasm, I wasn't finished yet!"

KVSBUNNY 8 years ago

voted for you! A bidet would be ok, but the misting just isn

mtairymd 8 years ago

I'm glad you optimized Step 2....lol

piperjon 8 years ago

You are my new hero! (Don't tell Batman, he'll be crushed...)

lgooms 8 years ago

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

wold630 8 years ago

I think almost everyone can relate to this!!!