My mystery story

I'm in 8th grade and I have to write a mystery, please leave feedback and suggestions. I just want to make sure that this mystery would make sense to someone else, someone else who didn't write it. A rich man laid dead in his room with a will next to his body. He had many cuts and died from blood loss. As the police asses the situation they notice a knife next to him, the police thought suicide. Then they noticed a bloody will next to him, on the will it said that he would leave everything he owns to his butler. The inspector, inspector Higgins, found that it was odd the late Mr. Light left nothing to his wife, Mrs. Light who was sobbing next to the inspector. “Where were you when your husband was murdered?” asked inspector Higgins. “I was out shopping, I was getting him a Christmas gift.” Answered Mrs. Light “Do you have proof of this?” “Why yes, yes I do! Here’s a receipt from Kronix, the fancy watch store.” “Hmmmm. Here on the receipt you bought it about an hour ago, there would be have plenty of time for you to have commit this murder.” “How dare you say such a thing!?! I loved my husband, and I can explain about the time frame, Kronix is about an hour away, so it takes me time to get here!” “Ok, ok, ok, but what about this butler of yours, where is he?’ “I don’t know, he should be in the house.” The inspector and the police searched the house. The inspector came to a closet door and tried to open it, but it only opened an inch. “Officer, please help me open this door,” said the inspector. After much pushing they got the door open enough so that the slim inspector could slip into the room where he saw a shocking sight. “The butler’s in here, he was laying next to the door, and he appears to be dead from cuts.” Paramedics came rushing in . “He’s not dead, he’s merely unconscious, and we must get him to a hospital. A day later when the butler made enough of a recovery to talk. “Mrs. Light killed Mr. Light, she started slashing at me, but then I ran into the closet, which was foolish. She attacked me in there and I passed out, she must have thought I was dead.” Whispered the butler. “You’re under arrest for the murder of Mr. Light.” Announced the inspector towards the butler. How did he know the butler killed Mr. Light? The solution: When Inspector Higgins found the butler he was laying next to the door. According to the butler’s story he was being attacked in the closet, which means the murder would have to leave, which would have been impossible because the butler’s body kept the door from opening.

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Patrik9 years ago
So Mrs. Light leaves the butler for dead in the closet. The butler regains consciousness, crawls over to the door of the closet, and passes out again, blocking the door. Hardly a scenario where you have enough evidence to convict the butler... You might be able to save this scenario by having the butler fall out of the closet, as the inspector opens the door (outwards - also solves oogitsmelol's issue with the closet door). For this to happen, the butler would have had to loose consciousness with his back propped up against the door. That makes the "wake up, shift position and pass out again" explanation less likely, because it takes a lot of energy to sit up (still not fool-proof, but perhaps good enough for an arrest). Two other suggestions: - You spend perhaps a little too much time on the wife's alibi story. No big deal, but the story might flow better if you shorten this a bit (or make the rest of the story longer). - If Mr. Light died from many cuts, the police would not tend to think suicide. (Also, unless he was stabbed in his sleep, there would tend to be characteristic "defensive wounds" on the back of his arms and hands, where he tried to fend off the knife - that might be getting a bit too "CSI" for a classical mystery story though...)
First of all, put a lot more detail into the corpse, i want imagry! Where were the cuts specificcaly? Were they deep? Shallow? Fresh? Also your shifting a lot from past and present tense. Pick one and stay with it. The butler was intorduced obtrusively. Say something like, "I hear you have a butler. Any idea where he was during the murder?" Also he woudnt of commited suicide by repeated slashes, it would be one big slash against a major artery.
guyfrom7up (author)  Cinder20079 years ago
ok thanks, I will make all of these changes! Great ideas!
No problem. I suppose this stems from having a very difficult english teacher. _
guyfrom7up (author) 9 years ago
Ok ,I rewrote the mystery so that the butler kills both mr and mrs. All I need is a good motive, any ideas?
They were both very wealthy correct? Perhaps he forged the will and added himself into it so that he obtained most of the money/land.
He wanted to steal their leprechaun gold.
Doctor What9 years ago
YOu might want to change asses to assesses.
guyfrom7up (author)  Doctor What9 years ago
that'd be embarissing
haha, yeah you may want to look into that. or spell it "assess" one thing to note: most closet doors open outward (at least all the ones in my house do). it wouldnt make sense for them to open in where you couldnt open it with tons of junk blocking it. overall though, not bad.
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