Cursed Monkey Paw

At some point in everyone's lives, one finds themselves needing a cursed monkey paw for one reason or another. The time-frame likely very short. When I needed mine, I had to have it in 6 hours- not a second more. So, I did not have the luxury of cruising Craiglist ads for the perfect specimen, much less the week or so it takes to procure a monkey, chop off it's hand and properly mummify the damn thing.

In an effort to save others the embarrassment of not owning this household necessity, I'm sharing my recipe for creating your very own cursed monkey paw out of common household items.

Step 1: The Basic Amature

First you need a simple frame work. I find a length of stiff wire works well and used a coat hanger. Don't use a really crappy, flimsy coat hanger-- but kind of middle-of-the-road in terms of wire thickness and stiffness. If you use a floppy, cheap hanger, you'll end up with a floppy monkey paw. Nobody wants that.

Cut the wire just below the twisty section connecting the two ends so you're left with just a nice long section of fairly straight wire. If your hands are big and strong like mine, you'll have no trouble bending the wire into a primate's meat hook. If you have wussy little hands, you might need to use a pliers or visegrip or a vise or something to hold the effer as you fold over the fingers.

Once complete, twist off the ends at the wrist-- right were you'd have cut the hand off were you working with a real monkey.

Step 2: Flesh It Out!

Using plaster impregnated fabric (you can buy it in rolls at Hobby Lobby, if you still shop there) dipped in water, start wrapping the wire framework. Build up the palm and be careful not to make the fingers too chubby. Monkey's don't have chubby fingers.

If you don't have the pre-made plaster tape you can also use just plain plaster and tear up an old t-shirt or some crap to create your own. Don't worry about any cracks or gaps, they'll give the paw some cred later.

Step 3: Research Your Monkey & Choose a Color

I went with a Geoldi's Marmoset myself. They are are black, which made painting easy. I didn't do any shading or anything- just plain black all over. Easy. Depending on the species of monkey you choose, you might select a brown, or red monkey. I just happened to have an assload of black paint.

Let it dry for a bit.

Step 4: Find Some Fur!

Last step, you want to add a little realism with some fuzzy pelt. Pretty much any type of hair will work- I cut some off an old Furby I found in my basement.

Once the paint is sufficiently dry, use glue to attach as much or as little fur as you like. I just went with a few patches of fuzz on the knuckles. They feel pretty nice when I touch them to my face.

That's it! You've got your cursed monkey paw!