How to Make a Placenata

Whether tossed out with the trash, buried in the backyard, or mixed into your favorite soup recipe, the placenta is an organ worth celebrating over. The following tutorial outlines how to combine the ultimate party favor, the piñata, with the ultimate afterbirth.

Step 1: Step 1

Begin with an oblong, spherical piñata. Paint it with several layers of goopy red and brown paint. We used Crayola brand finger paints because they are non-toxic without sacrificing any gross-looking qualities. To achieve a thicker consistency we suggest adding RIT dye. RIT not only adds to the girth but also floods one with memories of tye-dying in Mrs. Chistopherson’s art class.

Step 2: Step 2

Make sure to leave areas of thick dark red or brown paint to simulate placental veins.

Step 3: Next Step

Note: Using a slightly green undercoat really accentuates the reds.

Step 4: Step 4

The umbilical cord is fashioned out of torn red rags woven into a lumpy rope. These can be found in the automotive section at your local grocery store.

Step 5: Another Step

Generously apply red paint. Everything must be covered in blood.

Step 6: And Yet Another Step

Attach the cord to the placenta. It will serve as the rope from which you dangle the piñata.

Step 7: And Another Step...

Fill with appropriate candy. We used Sour Patch Kids and Swedish Fish. San Fransisco Fred asked if the fish were to emulate semen. No Fred, though a valid question, we just happen to love Swedish Fish. The Sour Patch Kids, on the other hand, were meant to represent preemies.

Step 8: Step 8

Toy babies are an elegant touch that adds authenticity.

Step 9: Step 9

Your placeñata is ready to be smashed. But don’t skimp on ancillary party details.

Step 10: Party Musts

Like the Mariachi band.

Step 11: Party Musts Cont.

And dancing gringos.

Step 12: Back to Instructions

Once the party is well underway break out the blindfold and hitting stick. Sam only had a fishing rod, which worked wonderfully.

Step 13: Almost There

ha ha ha... look at everyone having soooo much fun

Step 14: Success

Yippeeeee!

Step 15: Final

Alas, another party/pregnancy has ended in a pile of beer cans and wrinkled, bloody dreams.