How to Properly Breakup With Someone

So... it has come to this?  A tutorial online how to breakup with your significant other.  Follow these steps to achieve ultimate satisfaction... It's guaranteed!

Step 1: Prepare What Your Going to Say

Being friendly to your significant other is pathetic.  You need to become as insensitive as you possibly can.  Show no mercy and no sympathy.  And NEVER say "I'm sorry".  EVER.  A few lines you might want to rehearse in front of a mirror are "It's not me, it's probably you." and "Your perfume is probably from your Grandma.".

Step 2: The Text Approach

The best and most used way to DUMP someone is to use the text approach.  What you need to do is write out some short insulting text telling your partner how you feel.
USE ONE OF THESE-
"i dun wana b wit u no mo"
"i is breakin up wit u"
"we aint 2getha any mo"
"what wrong wit u"

Step 3: Face to Face- With Chili

The other approach (that usually ends up in a slap) is at their door with a bowl of chili.  Just use the classic corny breakup lines... but make sure you hand them that bowl of chili.... or it might end badly for you.

Step 4: Show Off

Start showing off your new single status on facebook or any other site that your ex might be looking at.
Flirt with as many people as you like cause your a single good looking (maybe) person now!

Step 5: Start Spreading Rumors

Begin your rumoring process by lying to your ex's friends saying that she went all psycho on you and you had to dump her sorry butt.  Be creative and don't be afraid to stretch the truth a little.  Have fun with it!  This is all part of the breakup process!

Step 6: Prank Them

What you now need to do is go cray cray on this kid.  Make them hurt even worse.  It will only heal their wounds.  TP their house, egg their car, through bologna at them as they walk down the street, and prank phone call them on the daily.  

Step 7: Send Mixed Messages

You need to confuse them now.  Send them nice morning texts and then turn it around by asking THEM why they texted YOU.  Make them feel mentally unstable, because that's defiantly admirable.  
First Text- :)
Second Text- :D
Third Text- I <3 U
Fourth Text- I want u back
Fifth Text- Don't talk to me anymore.
Sixth Text- >:O

Step 8: Find a Song

Find that special song that you can listen to while  you cry yourself to sleep... I recommend these tunes:
All The Single Ladies - Beyonce
I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton
I Wish it Would Rain - The Temptation
Miss You - Frank Ocean
Someone Like You - Adele
When I Was Your Man - Bruno Mars
Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer - Randy Brooks