How to Dodge a Draft

There hasn't been a military draft in the United States since 1972. With the scaling back of the all volunteer army currently stationed in Iraq and the public's opinion of the war in Iraq, there most likely will not be forced military service any time soon.

I'm going to tell you how to dodge a draft any which way because apparently people still want to know.

This by no means is a reflection of my personal views on the subject nor do I advocate dodging a draft. This is at best merely informational. User assumes any risk for actually being stupid enough to try any of this should the opportunity ever arise.

Step 1: Legal Channels

The first way to dodge a draft is to go about the matter legally. For instance, in the United States, upon being drafted, a young man can file for conscientious objector status with selective services. He can then go in front of the draft board and plead his case as to why he should not be drafted based on religious or moral grounds. However, objection to a particular war is not grounds for objection; the objection must be made against all wars. Most individuals that claim conscientious objector tend to fail their board hearing since there is no clear grounds on what constitute conscientious objectors and most drafts are instated at times of need.

Step 2: Slightly Less Legal Channels

If you can't dodge the draft through legal means or based on personal convictions as a pacifist, you can try to be declared physically unfit for service. Go to your doctor and get a thorough checkup for any possible deformity or ailment that may prevent you from being cannon fodder. If he finds something, have your doctor write you a note to the draft board. If he doesn't and he's nice he will make something up and write the note on your behalf any which way. Keep in mind that the military will most likely conduct their own physical and if it should be deemed that you are lying, well then you are just out of luck.

Step 3: One Small Step.

Avoiding the draft may be as simple as not stepping forward. When you receive a draft notice report to where you are told and when prompted to take one step forward if you are there to join the military, do not. By asking you to step forward and take an oath, the military is fooling you into volunteering to join the military against your will. The 13th amendment prevents involuntary servitude. Just hold your ground no matter what the officers on hand say or do to you. Be prepared to be assaulted verbally and possibly physically. You will also probably be arrested on some charge or another and is usually not upheld by the court since the amendment was originally created to stop slavery.

Step 4: Become Fluid

To stay modern and out of the military, consider starting gender reassignment because the current administration says it's a no-no (well... depending who you ask...). To be fair, this probably might not work for the purpose of avoiding military service, but don't let that stop you! Always be true to yourself.

Step 5: Go Crazy? Don't Mind If I Do.

Another possibly ineffective means of avoiding military service is just acting downright crazy. Bark obscenities in all directions. Try to bite your ear off. Walk in circles while waiting in line. And most importantly, don't be surprised if it doesn't work.

Step 6: Get Spoken For.

You don't have to go to war if you go to prison. Armed robbery may be your ticket out of military service if you don't mind spending a couple of years locked in a cage. In fact, refusing to report to military duty will most likely get you locked up in prison any which way. However, be mindful, that in some regard that could be considered desertion or treason and in severe circumstances subject you to a death sentence. I would be careful about that depending on the circumstances.

Step 7: Fly the Coop.

If being locked away in an American prison is not your idea of a good time, fleeing the country is always an option. The most ideal place to go is a peaceful nation with no extradition agreement with the United States. The closest nation that I could think of that fits that bill is Cuba, so get your life raft out and start paddling. Unless of course, we go to war with Cuba. This eventuality is unlikely. Other places that are nearby and may be worth a visit are, the perennial favorites, Canada and Mexico

Step 8: Stay and Fight!

One way to avoid the draft is to challenge the government and stop the war. This is usually accomplished by gathering together a whole bunch of hippies and levitating the Pentagon 300 feet into the air with our minds. If you're having a bad day and the Pentagon won't levitate with the power of your love you are going to need to organize a peaceful resistance. Try the age-old practice of burning draft cards and having sit-ins. Refuse to go quietly.

Step 9: Prevent Wars

The best way to dodge drafts is to elect officials that won't start wars with other nations in the first place. Think about the selective service registration card that you filled out next time that you go to vote.

Step 10: If All Else Fails.

Render yourself physically unfit for combat. Chop off your trigger fingers. Puncture an eardrum. Break both your knee caps. Lose a couple of toes. You get the idea. Keep in mind that not only will you permanently disfigure yourself, you will be committing a crime. To add insult to injury, you can be sent to jail for this.