Laboratory Safety for All Mad Scientists

It's hard enough as it is to take over world governments, but to have to deal with all the responsibilities of an evil mad scientist hell bent on world domination from a hospital bed or with missing body parts is just too much.
By just following a few simple guide lines, the only thing that will be hurt & bleeding in your lab will be that annoying secret agent that keeping you from having the world under your thumb.

Step 1: Dress the Part

Just as clothing makes the man, the right outfit sets the mad scientist apart from the plain ordinary crazies. No one is going to take your threat to weld up a giant robot and crush them all seriously if you're standing there in your polyester running suit, not to mention it really gets sticky when it lights on fire. The right outfit exists for every master plan. Wear it or get laughed at.

Step 2: Every Mad Scientist Needs Henchmen

As the saying goes, "behind every sinister genius is a good henchman". No self respecting mad scientist goes without at least one. They are great for helping lift things that are far too heavy, or yelling "look out boss" just before the reactor goes critical. But it is not always possible to have a henchman around for all your cruel experiments. If you keep your henchmen informed & have them check in on you from time to time, they can still be of great help. If your henchmen don't know what you're up to, they will have no chance to bust you out of jail when the feds get you.

Step 3: A Clean Laboratory Is an Evil Laboratory

As hard as it is to work up a one-off dooms day device, you don't need to be tripping over old motor parts & slipping on oil soaked sawdust while you’re building the thing. A messy lab is not only a hazard; it slows down your production & is too easy for the forces of truth & justice to burn to the ground.

Step 4: Unless You Have Robot Arms Use Your Legs

Improper lifting is a killer of many a mad scientist. That is why you see most old mad scientists just sitting in big high-back chairs petting their white cat. Sure, they will say that it was some do-gooder or meddling kids that caused some horrific accident, and that they are now going after for revenge. But we all know it was lifting one too many 2x4's with their back instead of their legs.
To avoid this fate yourself remember to first squat low & close to what you're lifting, get a firm grip, look up (this step will force you to straighten your back) & lift with your legs.
But often even proper lifting will not help if the load is just too heavy. Just like drinking, know your limit & when to ask a henchman for help.

Step 5: Electricity Good for Monsters, Bad for Mad Scientist

Beautiful electricity, the backbone of any evil plan. But if not respected & used incorrectly it can end you. First, all plugs & cords should be in good working order. Wrapping half a roll of electrical tape around that fray in the power cord leading to the Tesla coils is not cutting it.

Next you will need to make sure that you can safely draw as much power as you intend to use. Old 1920's knob & tube house wiring is not going to bring your corpse collage to life, but may burn down the lab the first time you try.

Step 6: Chemical Warfare

Chemicals from anthrax to paint thinner - a good mad scientist has a vast & varied stock pile. But without proper storage, labeling & knowledge you can go from being a mad scientist to the toxic avenger.
A lockable double-walled metal cabinet is the best option for chemical storage. If that is not an option for you then a secret off-site location is your next best option. Plus, if your lab is blown up by the good guys it will be easy to restart your plan to poison the Gotham water supply.
Without labeling you can't tell if that red stuff in that jar is your influenza strain or that tasty sea breeze you just mixed up. If you need to store a chemical in a new container for God's sake label what's in it. Think of it as your chance to take up the lost art of decoupage.
Keeping MSDS data sheets on all the chemicals in the laboratory is key to having the knowledge to use your chemicals properly & will give you good first aid tips should they turn on you. If you don't know what MSDS is you need some quality Google time before calling yourself a mad scientist.

Step 7: Power Tools, If They Can Hurt Secret Agents They Can Hurt You Too

At best, power tools are mindless creatures ready to turn on their master any chance they get. It's best to keep anything you want in one piece & attached at least 4" away from any moving saws, drills, sanders, grinders or death rays. It's a good idea to wear a pair or safety glasses too, as power tools like to throw things at your face in frustration for not having there lust for your flesh fulfilled.

Step 8: Fire Is Best Left to Other Forms of Evil

While it is true that fire is a great way to bring forth chaos & destruction, it is not for the mad scientist. This vessel of evil is best left for demons & little girls name Charlie.
Fire is bad for you & your laboratory, but with a good ABC or multi-purpose fire extinguisher a small fire will be no big deal. Make sure that it is kept well at hand & easy to see, because it may not be you keeping Satan's only friend at bay. Always remember, P-A-S-S, pull, aim, spray, sweep!

Step 9: In Conclusion

No matter who or what kind of mad scientist you are the goal is always the same. To make that bully from old high school pay...er..I mean WORLD DOMINATION!!! But your dreams will never come to pass If you over look safety.

Good luck in your evil...MAKE THAT JOCK PAY!!!!

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18 Comments

techturtle2

12 years ago on Step 6

Anthrax is a bacteria, not a chemical.

Plo Koon

10 years ago on Introduction

xenor

11 years ago on Step 7

*their

Thanks for the laughs!

erik_mccray

12 years ago on Step 6

It is also one kick as 80's metal band...put up your horns!!!!

kelseymh

12 years ago on Introduction

Would you be willing to run this through a spell checker? You've got a fair number of easy to fix typos. I think this could easily be worthy of Featuring, but spelling and grammar are considered criteria for that.

lemonie