Introduction: Soylent Green Wafers Crackers Cookies
Everybody now...SOYLENT GREEN IS...
Yup, being trapped and snowed in apocalyptic NYC and scrounging around for a midnight snack like a subway rat brought me to this.
There use to be bunch of instructables for dorm room recipes so that was inspiration to make this a low-effort/minimal kitchen equipment recipe.
I guess this could be made with your annoying roomie...wait
Be nice. Share.
DISCLAIMER: Please, no complaints from the People Eating Tasty Animals group. Tip for you vegan hipsters: The green stuff floating in the Gowanus Canal is not super protein-rich plankton.
Step 1: Scavenging...
Raid your empty pantry or fridge for supplies.
You will need:
Frozen spinach. Freshly frozen at the farm. No need to cook beforehand.
Whole Wheat Pancake Mix
Yum. The perfectly proportioned amounts of whole wheat and unwholely wheat flour, sweeteners, salt, emulsifiers, dough conditioners, preservatives and leavening products.
I think a basic cracker recipe calls for flour, water, oil and salt but that would be too much work to source all that.
Depending on the mix, leave out the added egg and milk/soymilk which will give it a cakey crumbly texture.
You will need some fat, melted butter, margarine, shortening, hydrogenated solidized fat, ghee or your preferred cooking oil.
Step 2: Cement Mixer...
There's actually not much to this recipe.
You really don't need to go in exact measurements but do it by feel.
You need to prepare the green slurry for your mix.
Even though I had chopped spinach, I wanted it further pureeded for a finer texture and added water added for workability.
I put it through my drink blender. I guess you can grind up other green veggies to substitute.
Dump it out to your mixing bowl and add a couple generous splashes of oil. Olive oil would add some flavor.
Season a bit with salt.
Step 3: Work It...
Add in the dry ingredients to the wet.
Give the mix a couple of minutes after you stir to let the flour absorb the liquid.
You need to add enough flour so that the mass congeals into a ball and almost becomes dry and crumbly but still sticks together.
My mixture was still a little too wet.
You should end up with something that is like a babysitter's worse nightmare.
Step 4: That's How We Roll...
Take a glop or whatever you want to call it, and put it between some plastic wrap or wax paper.
You can sprinkle on some extra dry pancake mix or flour to prevent sticking to the paper.
Take something to smash it out. Use a big pot, a rolling pin, a fajita press, an iron, or just your fingers to roll it out.
It should be fairly thin like a sheet of corrugated cardboard. The thicker it is, the more it will be like a cookie because the inside will be chewy and the outside crispy.
Use a pizza cutter or a knife to cut out square or rectangular shapes.
You can prick it all over with a fork to "dock" the cracker. It is supposed to keep it flatter when baking but I don't know if it really helped.
You could make a set of ninjabread men cookie cutters and use that to cut out the shapes.
Place on a greased cookie sheet.
I used my toaster oven to "toast" these up for about 15-20 minutes. I did not use the bake setting. Keep an eye on them and take out when they are starting to brown.
Remove from the cookie sheet and cool. They will still be a bit pliable until they harden up in the cooling process.
Step 5: Scrumpdilishous...
Since these were so easy to make, I am sure everyone can adapt this to their tastes.
If you like your whole foods with more of the tree bark texture, add some oats.
Use carrots or sweet potatoes or dried tomatoes for your Soylent Reds.
I'm sure there is stuff to use for your Soylent Yellows too.
Add a dry grated cheese or cheese product.
I think I should have added more salt for a savory cracker. I grabbed some salad dressing to use as a dip for my Soylent Green.
Add various chopped nuts and seeds.
Maybe a fine Chianti to go with this instead of a cup of tea?
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35 Comments
3 years ago
I would imagine that this could probably be made with just regular flour. On another note, when I told my dad that Soylent was actually a real food now, he said "What's next?! Cannibal Lector beef jerky?!"
Reply 3 years ago
Good G-d! Think of all the people with gluten allergies and a host of other things that humans have not evolved a resistance to. This message may have been typed on machinery that may have been in contact with other food products, and coffee.
Reply 3 years ago
Well if they have a problem with it, then I suppose the regular flour could be made of the secret ingredient. Or the griping subjects could become the secret ingredient. Either way our problem is solved!
7 years ago on Introduction
Hmmm, I bought a giant box of Kodiak Cakes Flapjack mix in a weak moment at Costco (a good product, but do I really need 5 pounds of pancake mix?? I must have been hungry as a bear). This sounds like a good way to get green veggies into the veggie haters, and if I use a Statue of Liberty cookie cutter, we could mash up two Charlton Heston references in one!
Reply 7 years ago on Introduction
Sounds like you need to go back and get the bushel of broccoli and the 10lb sack of prewashed spinach leaves.
Reply 7 years ago on Introduction
I do get the giant bag of prewashed organic mixed super greens. To save space and keep them at peak freshness I stuff them into the blender with water to make intensely green ice cubes for use in smoothies.
Reply 7 years ago on Introduction
Freshly frozen. Mr Birdseye would be proud of you.
7 years ago on Introduction
This is perfect for when it is too cold out to drink a green and purple power smoothie.
9 years ago on Introduction
Fleecem, Grabbit, Greenstuff & Partners
Offices Worlwide.
To: caitlinsdad
I write on behalf of our clients The Soylent Corporation® who exclusively own the patents for Soylent Green©, and for preceding similarly named foodstuffs. These Patents exist from 1966 to 2022 under the "Past and Future Patents Act 2014" NATO Legislative Committee sitting November 2014.
Unless you immediately cease use of stated copyright titles you will be subject to prosecution under various worldwide legislation for infringement of Copyright. Penalties are severe.
Further, Soylent Green will be manufactured using only high energy plankton, and will never contain spinach, pancake mix, or dehydrated pulverised human bodies.
Sincerely, Fielding Thorn.
CC. Harry Harrison. Personal Private Secretary Minister of Future Foodstuffs.
More ketchup anyone?
Reply 9 years ago on Introduction
Submitted for your approval, do we have to go back eating WTF?
Reply 9 years ago on Introduction
https://www.instructables.com/id/Kentucky-Fried-WTF-on-a-stick/
Reply 9 years ago on Introduction
https://www.instructables.com/id/Kentucky-Fried-WTF-on-a-stick/
9 years ago on Introduction
Can you guess the secret ingredient Mr.Heston? The same ingredient was
in the dip at both the Donner and the Dahmer party's. Bon appetit Mr.
Amin. Makes you wonder not what but who was eating Gilbert Grape.
Reply 9 years ago on Introduction
When things simmer or stew too long, it doesn't seem to bring out the best in people.
9 years ago
Cool chips, healthy and looks tasty! :)
Reply 9 years ago on Introduction
I guess it could include all of the recommended vitamins and essential amino acids.
9 years ago on Introduction
you left out the essential ingredient!
Reply 9 years ago on Introduction
It's a secret.
Reply 9 years ago on Introduction
The secret ingredient of the secret ingredient wafer is... Nothing!
Just joking... It's babysitter's worst nightmare.
9 years ago on Introduction
Good grief, how many cultural references can you cram into one project?
(I can't help noticing, though, that you don't seem to have any photos of anybody actually *eating* the wafers...)