Introduction: Vegtapult MM (2000)

Amaze your friends with this state-of-the-farm vegetarian gluten-free dairy-less weapon of mass destruction! The Vegtapult MM (that's 2000 in roman numerals, to you) is safe to use on enemies of any dietary need, allergy or conviction!  All you need is a quick trip to the veg isle or your neighbor's greenhouse to begin squashing your foes like potatoes.  Follow these simple steps to discover mother nature's secret to VICTORY!

Step 1:

Step 1:  Assemble an unlikely team of strong spirited veg--preferably those with tragic pasts or a history of a long fridge sentence. 

Step 2:  Admire your selection. Pick out the strengths and weaknesses of your new team. Draw out a plan of action. Fire the losers and hire more experienced spuds if necessary.

Step 3: Find  some toothpicks, paper clips or wire, and buy a wooden stake from your nearest vampire hunting store. (Or a normal stick might work, I haven't tried it, but it seems like a good lame substitute.)

Step 4: Get ready to RUMBLE.

Step 2:

Step 5:  Take a good look at the design below.  Read it. Now read it again. Look at it. Look again.

Step 6:  You should be done by now.  If you don't have a working vegtapult aproximately 7 minutes and 29 seconds from when you read step five then we suggest you go cry in a corner and wear a bag over your head.  However, we now realize that that may sound distasteful or humiliating to some readers.  In order to accommodate more delicate egos we now reluctantly offer the option of referring to the instructions below.

Step 3:

Instructions Below

1.  On a cutting board using reasonable precaution for your personal safety, wearing oven mitts and safety goggles, use a pair of safety scissors to cut a medium zucchini down the middle as evenly as possible. Make sure your mom is watching.

2. Using the same methods, cut the sides off of two potatoes so that both sides have a flat surface and are more or less the same height. Attach one of the potatoes with toothpicks to the bottom side of one of the halved  zucchini pieces. (You may want to cut the end off.)  Do the same with the other potato and zucchini bit.

3. Peel a straight-ish carrot. Or don't. Using your wooden stake or, alternatively, a normal stick, carefully twist and drill a hole through the carrot towards the thicker end of it (not quite in the middle).  Make the hole slightly bigger than the stick so that the carrot can easily swing round on it.

4. Look at the carrot. Point it at your face like you'd like to poke yourself in the eye with the thin end. Resist the urge. Now see the round part looking you temptingly in the eye?  Cut a horizontal groove through it. Try to make it more or less parallel to the stick going through the hole you made earlier in the carrot you have just plunged into your eye.  Moron.

5. Find some sort of cup or bowl-like thing of some sort, preferably of the vegetable sort. Now cut one end of it in the sort of way that would sort of make it fit into the sort of groove you cut in the carrot you sort of put in your eye. 

6. Now that that's sorted, either poke some toothpicks through to secure said cup into said groove or use a wire or paper clip to do so.

7. To finish the arm (because that's what your making as you blink carrot out of you eye) you now need a potato and toothpicks. Shove some toothpicks into the fat end of the infamous carrot and then shove the potato onto that. If that doesn't work then tear your hair out violently. Then use a paper clip.

8. Finally, I have longer toenails and you almost have a vegtapult. Stand your potato-zucchini bits side by side.  putting the arm you made between the two zucc-tater pieces push the stick through the zucc and through the hole in the arm and finally into the other side of the other zucc.  Then trick it out.  Ok. You're done.

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