Introduction: White Trash Kombucha
Are you ready to enjoy the bounteous health benefits offered by kombucha, but are unwilling to put in any effort? Are you repelled by most homebrewed kombucha's lack of preservatives and consumerism? Do you yearn to produce kombucha from something that came out of a plastic jug?
Dear sir or madam, the answer to all these problems (and more!), lies within a kombucha fermented from that Crucial-Unit-endorsed elixir of life, Turkey Hill Lemon Iced Tea.
Step 1: Ingredients
Many kombucha recipes require purchasing expensive, exotic teas, ones that do not come in can or bottle form, but in a mysterious and perhaps unscrupulous "leaf" form. Once procured, these tea "leaves" must be brewed for precise amounts of time, in precise amounts of water -- without precision time and volume measurement equipment, the results could indeed be disastrous. Furthermore, some recipes require measured amounts of a mysterious "brown" sugar, not often sold at your neighborhood convenience store.
But, gentlereaders, there is a better way! With this method, no measurement is required, nor any complex and time-consuming preparatory procedures. No, friends, all that is required is a bottle of good Cold Fashioned Turkey Hill Iced Tea! The kind grandma used to make, only out of a plastic jug. This method will require a kombucha creature, however, these may be purchased on the black market in almost any corner of the world.
Step 2: Preparation
Much like a fine vintage box of wine, it is highly suggested that you allow your Turkey Hill to breathe for at least 1/2 hour prior to preparation, or until it achieves room temperature. That being said, you can pull it straight out of the fridge and it'll probably work fine.
Now, simply decant your fine beverage (2007 was a good year) into a modest receptacle, which is acceptable for brewing. A medium to large sized jar will work fine.
Step 3: Ferment
Place your illicitly-acquired kombucha creature atop the sparkling beverage. Cover with a clean cloth or paper towel, and allow to age, much like a fine bourbon, for a week. The results will be shockingly delicious.
Kombucha can also be brewed from, I hate to admit, Lipton Brisk. That's brisk baby!