Dried meat makes these edible Paleo panties a tasty treat. This valentines day give your significant other a truly unique gift.
100% edible and 100% meat, they are so easy to make a cavemen could do it!
Sure, you could spend $140 for a pair of meaty briefs that are only partially edible, but who wants to work around all those metal shards and strings in the heat of passion?
Step 1: Materials
- 2 lbs Ground Beef
- 3 Original Slim Jims
- 3/4 cup Soy Sauce
- 2 tbsp Hot Sauce
- 1 tsp. liquid smoke
- Seasoning - red pepper flakes, celery salt, onion powder, salt, pepper
- Rolling Pin
- Parchment Paper
- X-acto knife
Step 2: Season Meat
I originally tried to use steak to make the beef jerky but this presented a few problems.
The first problem was cutting the steak into thin even slices. The slices needed to be cut evenly and have a large surface area so I could cut the underwear pattern out of it. I tried to use the trick of slightly freezing the meat then slice it, but I still had a hard time cutting even slices. Also, the grain of the steak started to separate in the drying process, which isn't a problem for making basic beef jerky, but was certainly a problem for structurally sound briefs. If you try to make this with steak, I recommend having the butcher pre-slice the steak for you at about 1/4" - 3/8" thick.
The prep for ground beef jerky is much simpler than with steak jerky. Ground beef is ideal for this project because I can customize the size and shape of the jerky I dehydrate. This is helpful when cutting out the underwear pattern.
Marinating Ground Beef: Put ground beef in a large bowl and add all the seasoning. Mix together with your hands!!
To learn how to make beef jerky with steak check here.
Step 3: Flatten Meat
Take a chunk of ground beef, about the size of two golf balls, and roll into a ball. Place the ball on a piece of parchment paper and add another piece of parchment paper over it.
Use your palm to flatten the ball a bit (not too flat, you just want to make sure the top of the ball is flat when you start rolling it out).
Roll the ground beef out to 1/4" thick. Using a knife, cut out a rectangle that is 8" x 5". This actually may change depending on what size you are. In step 5 I talk about how to customize the underwear pattern pieces. The size of the rectangles depend on the size of the pattern pieces. Each pattern piece should fit w/in the rectangle.
You will need 5 of these rectangles for the brief jerky pattern.
Step 4: Dry Meat in Dehydrator
Turn the dehydrator to 165 degrees. Dehydrate meat for 12 hours. Turn mean over half way through.
This was my first time making beef jerky with ground beef and I was surprised how well the jerky stayed together. Depending on the size of your dehydrator you may need to adjust the size of the rectangles. You can also make beef jerky in your oven. Seen link on step 2 for instructions.
Step 5: Cut Out Pattern
Pattern Size: I have provided an underwear pattern, but everyone is a different size. You will need to cut out four underwear pattern pieces and once crotch piece.
To adjust the pattern, measure your waist size with a tape measure, divide that number by 4 and that is the top length of the pattern. Next, measure your crotch length by holding the measuring tape at the center back of your waist and running the tape between your legs up to your waist in front. Take this number and divide by 2, then subtract 2.5". This is the the length of the center seam. I have you subtract 2.5" because the crotch piece is 5" long and can be used for all sizes.
Beef Jerky Rectangles: like I mentioned in step 3, the size of your rectangle depends on your pattern size. The rectangle should be your [top length] X [center seam] length.
Cut Out Pattern: cut your pattern pieces out of paper. Use an x-acto knife or a really sharp knife to cut out the pieces. The best looking brief jerky has really straight edges.
Next cut out three holes that you will use to lace the underwear up.
Step 6: Make Slim Jim Lace Ups
100% Edible, 100% Meat
The original brief jerky I saw was not 100% edible. I think its safe to say, when you're in the mood and you want to devour these undergarments off your lover, you don't want to worry about ingesting any scrap bits of metal or string.
So I thought about how I could make the underwear 100% edible and 100% meat. I had ideas about using some weaving techniques, but aesthetically I didn't love how it looked. How could I have the lace up look and keep it 100% meat. Then I got the answer: SLIM JIMS.
Those delicious pieces of dried ambiguous meaty goodness that we all hate to admit we love!
Slim Jim Lace Ups: Its really simple. Use an x-acto knife to slice a slim jim down the middle. Then slice the halves down the middle again so you have 1/4 thickness slim jims. The point is to keep the length of the slim jims, but decrease the thickness.
Step 7: Put It All Together!
Now that you have all your pieces its time to put it all together!
Front and Back: Start by lacing up the front the underwear together by matching up the center seams of two underwear pattern pieces. Lace them up with a slim jim. See diagram for lacing instructions. Do the same thing for the back using the other two patter pieces.
Crotch: attach the crotch piece to the front and back pieces of the underwear.
Attach Sides: with all the pieces attached together, fold the pieces in half in the center of the crotch so the front and back of the underwear are on top of each other. Lace up the sides like in image 5.
Now that your all laced up you may be worried about the structural integrity of your new briefs, but lets be honest - these aren't meant to be worn for long periods of time!