Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll teach this shark for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down to Etsy chasin' hipsters and spinthrifts. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant.
I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks I could sell this for on Etsy, chief. I'll teach you for free, but you'll catch him, and build him. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains on this island. Zero dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.
But be wary, this ain't no baby shark. The only doo doo doo you'll get with this widow maker'll be in the back of yer pants.
$10 - Big ass sheet of particle board.(Minimum 4 foot x 8 foot)
$10 - At least three cans of gray or white primer spray paint
$20 - Gray paint I used for shark body was 30oz Rustoleum Chalked Aged Grey (Expensive, bought way too much)
$15 - White paint I used was 30oz Rustoleum Painter's Touch Ultra Cover Flat White (Expensive, could get less)
$10 - Other paints (Yellow teeth, black shading, pink for gums, etc) were just little squeeze bottle acrylic paints I found in a drawer.
$30 - Blood for teeth was Perma-Blood (Expensive but amazing)
$2 - Sand paper
$5 - Various sized paint brushes
$5 - Frog Juice (for waterproofing)
1$ - Pencil and sharpie
So total is a lil over $100 but if you buy cheaper/less paint, or just use red paint instead of perma blood, probably can easily do this for under $50. Unless you don't own tools, then yer screwed.
- Wood Glue
- Yard stakes
I do NOT consider these tools to be part of the cost. If you don't have basic tools, figure that out first.
A good metal ruler and tape measure
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Step 1: Here Lies the Body of Mary Lee; Died at the Age of a Hundred and Three.
I see you won't be deterred by this beast. Well then, come on Chief, this isn't no boy scout picnic.
First thing ya need to do is clear out some space and slap that big hunka particle board down flat. Next ya need to crack open that set o' pencils or markers. Yeah, that's real fine expensive gear you brought out here. 'Course I don't know what that bastard shark's gonna do with it, might eat it I suppose. Seen one eat a rockin' chair one time.
Sorry, tend to go off on tangents when sharkin's involved.
Now this here shark I drew, I done drawed it without any particular set of artistic skill or know how. If I could do it, so can you so long as you stick to some basic measurements. My shark had these here approximate lengths and heights:
Top Nose to Ground: 45 inches
Top Tail to Ground: 29.5 inches
Entire flat bottom length: 76 inches
Very Front (Gum line) to very back: 92 inches
Which if you understand non-metric math, means that this here shark would fit inside a 45x92 inch rectangle. Which, as it were, is exactly how I started off drawing.
Once the rectangle was drawn, I then drew a horizontal and vertical middle line. From there, while looking at a picture, I freehand sketched this magnificent monster, erasing several mistakes around the way.
SERIOUS NOTE: You may want to center the fin a little more towards the mouth with the sloping body behind it. I still love how it turned out, but at some angles the shark almost looks fat which is odd.
Step 2: Break It Up Will Ya', Chief! Daylight's Wastin'.
So, you got yerself a Shark outline do ya? See what I do here, Chief, is I trick 'em to the surface. And I jab at 'em. Draw over all my marks with a dark marker. Once that's done, you gotta get a feel for that fish. Make sure and double sure you know every place you want to cut. Cuz if you don't, it'll prove one thing. It'll proves that you wealthy college boys don't have the education enough to admit when you're wrong.
Speakin' of knowin' when you're wrong, take a gander at them two pictures. See on the far left part of the mouth? Looks like there's a tooth past that chomper's gumline don't it? Well, that there's how my picture looked but, I decided it didn't look natural. So when I cut, I made it a straight line instead of a tooth.
So make this girl yers. Look at her. Really make sure you like what you see before you start sawin' away. This will be yer last time to make corrections before it's too damn late. Once yer sure, and I mean swimmin' with bow-legged women sure, fire up yer jigsaw and cut out the border.
With that finished, take yer drill and make small holes everywhere you still need to cut so yer jigsaw can get in there and create a real lah-di-dah ocean masterpiece. If you make a mistake, go back up and read the part about being a wealthy college boy.
It won't help, but at least I'll laugh.
And remember to sand all the edges! Saves you from splinters and should make it a bit easier to paint.
Step 3: Y'know the Thing About a Shark, He's Got... Lifeless Eyes, Black Eyes, Like a Doll's Eyes
I mean, do I really need to explain this step to you? Musta been dropped when you were a wee one but I'll tell ya all the same cuz I promised I would.
Take the primer and cover that there shark in it. Let it dry, then cover it again, don't fret none if it's a lil spotty, gonna paint over it anyway. If you can't handle this well, God help ya.
Just like I wish God coulda helped those men back in 1945. Y'know, by the end of that first dawn... lost a hundred men. I dunno how many sharks. Maybe a thousand. I dunno how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland- baseball player, boatswain's mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up... bobbed up and down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well... he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura saw us, he swung in low and he saw us. Young pilot, a lot younger than you. Anyway, he saw us and come in low and three hours later, a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. Y'know, that was the time I was most frightened, waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a life jacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out, and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945.
But yeah, you just keep strugglin' with that primer there Sally.
Step 4: Back Home We Got a Taxidermy Man. He Gonna Have a Heart Attack When He See What You Brung Him.
Well squirt, you've made it this far and I'm prouda ya. Now comes the finishin' touches. This is where yer gonna need to have an eye for the details. If you don't got it, find someone that does. First, I'd suggest painting everything but the mouth yer preferred shade of shark skin gray.
Once that is done and dried I'd go ahead and add a second layer. Last thing ya want is to ruin hours a work because ya didn't have the patience for that second layer. If yer a fool like me, you went ahead and bought enough paint for 57 sharks. But listen here...
I seen with my two eyes a shark 1/3 this size made outta metal goin' for $185. So if you got the time and paint, ain't no reason why you can't charge a tidy sum for this beast. And after the first one, you'll have a stencil locked and loaded. But enough business advice, let's get back to it.
Step 5: I'm Not Talkin' 'bout Pleasure Boatin' or Day Sailin'. I'm Talkin' 'bout Workin' for a Livin'. I'm Talkin' 'bout Sharkin'!
With the gray outta the way, it's time for you to get artsy Chief. Now don't go gettin' too artsy, this here is still a man eater that'll drag ya down to the bottom of the deep if ya start sportin' a man bun. But if ya want, keep a sponge handy. It'll help ya blend the edges so the colors don't look as stiff.
But, this is a dirty business. So if ya want it to look right, yer gonna have to use them hands to smear in the black. For the old skin shredders I kept the blood fairly minimal and had a variety of smudge scrapes added along the body so the world would know that this here shark's a fighter in addition to bein' a natural born apex killer.
Once yer satified and got yerself a looker that'll make many a head turn, don't forget the most important part! That sharks gonna be out in the elements. So be extra sure to give her at least two coats of waterproofing or else all yer hard work won't be worth a darn thing.
Step 6: Wherever I May Roam / by Land or Sea or Foam...
Well, yer in the home stretch now Chief. Only thing left is figuring out how to prop this mean bastard up and display her proper. I glued some wood to the back, and then tied some string to some screws I put in the wood. Then I tied the string to some yard stakes and leaned her up against a bush. Wanted to make sure she was tied down though. Didn't want her blowin' away in the night like a runaway sail off a boat.
Step 7: Cage Goes in the Water, You Go in the Water. Shark's in the Water. Our Shark.
You did it! Now touch it off with a nice skeleton and some lights or I'm sure you'll figure something else out. Like maybe havin' yer life ender attackin' a large dog cage with a diver in it? Well, you get the idea one way or the other. Whatever ya do, I hope I've been some help.
Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu to you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders to sail back to Boston. And so never more shall we see you again.