Introduction: Birthday Suit Bathing Suit: HOW TO

All this focus on creating clothing. It feels like we lost sight of the easiest suit to wear in sun, surf, and deeper waters…the good old fashioned birthday bathing suit (aka: two hands held chest high, and an, (almost always) awkwardly placed bush). A classic to be sure, but there are ways to don this outfit that present less possible threats to the body, emotions, and criminal record of the participant. Here are some helpful suggestions…

Step 1: Location, Location, Location

It is most important to find the right location where to wear this swimwear. Keep in mind, this should only take place where you can do so legally, and safely. As most of the areas in the US forbid public nudity, you must research if you’re looking for a location allowing such things. There are surprising lots of websites dedicated to this. Warning: If you are caught publically nude in illegal areas, you run the risk of being arrested, convicted, possible added to a public registry…and of course, really embarrassed.

The ideal location would be private property (owned, rented, or borrowed), protected from view of others off property, such as private fenced pools, or private landings on lakes with ample property and possibly at night.

Step 2: Avoid Social Awkwardness

Next decide if this is a solitary adventure to commune with nature and immerse yourself into the ebb and flow of the world, or is this an exciting romantic gesture, or is this a fun and free social gathering.

The secluded aspect should be emphasized if the event is romantic in nature.

If this is a social gathering, closeness and watching can be embarrassing. Do not engage in any physical contact or uncomfortable closeness without permission. It's a vulnerable situation for everyone involved. Also, don't hold the gaze too long, or watch too closely. It can be taken as creepy and make others uncomfortable.

Step 3: Be Wary

Given the state of things, there are many areas of concern while birthday suiting up. First, we already covered social and legal embarrassment. However, there are, of course, also potential effects to the body. Make sure to use sun block, and bug spray if the situation (location and time of day) demand it.

Second, make sure if you are going into water, that you can swim well enough, and that there are no dangerous currents, undertows, or rough waters. Even if you are saved from these situations, rescue can similarly be very embarrassing.

Always keep your clothes visible from shore, as it tends to be a common prank to steal clothes left unattended.

And lastly, of course, the old “don’t go into the water until twenty minutes after eating.”

Step 4: Accessorize

Lastly, although traditionally the birthday bathing suit has been, almost by definition, devoid of accessories.

But this the twenty-first century: Accessorize! Just a few suggestions: I am an avid fan of the fedora, for both practical and fashion reasons. It will protect eyes and some degree of skin from sun and elements, and it just looks good. Sunglasses also provide protection and style. And, for the formal birthday suit, a nice bow tie can really set the mood.