Introduction: Hot Sauce Blend "Pistachio Pain"

Before anyone asks, no, it doesn't contain pistachios.
The color of the sauce is somewhere between Celadon and Pistachio, and my tasters/victims voted on the name.

I still would've liked Celadon Conflagration.

That aside, first thing you need are fresh ingredients.  Everything included is rather easy to make or grow, with the exception of bacon drippings and water, but if you're reading this, you probably already have plenty of both.

I've also found it prudent to use a strong cleanser on your hands after scooping out the raw peppers, so while I won't include the details of washing your hands with Borax or Comet, it is highly advised so as to avoid spreading the pepper juices to more sensitive areas of your person by accident.

Everything else you need is below:

~1/2lb Pasilla peppers
~1/4lb Serrano peppers
3-6 Habañero peppers (depends on size and your tolerance to hot peppers; mine were on the large size of average)
3/4-1 cup bacon drippings (Try to use less if your peppers are on the heavier side so everything comes out to one liter)
1 cup mayonnaise
water (as needed)
spices (to taste; I like a few dashes of garlic salt in it)

Tools / Cookware:
1 1/2 - 2 gallon pot
Blender (1/2 gallon+)
Tea spoon
Long-handled spoon (I used a parfait spoon)
Chef's Knife (Really, any sharp knife will do)
Cutting board
Oven range / stove top / fire

Step 1: Prepping the Peppers

Peppers are fairly straightforward to prep, but fall into one of two very different types:

1) Long peppers (Serranos, jalapeños, etc.)
   a) stem (as in cut it off)
   b) bifurcate (split lengthwise)
   c) remove endocarp (the white stuff in the middle)

2) Bell-shaped peppers (Anaheims, Pasillas, Habañeros, etc.)
   a) core (cut circularly around the stem, pull out stem with attached endocarp)
   b) shake out seeds

If you're like me, you'll retain the seeds for both snacking and planting purposes.

Step 2: Blender Is Your Friend

Blender saves you from having to do this part by hand.

Pitch the peppers, bacon drippings, and only as much water as you need into the blender and set it to a lower setting.
Only use as much water as you have to to get the blender to churn the contents; this amount varies widely by blender, but the less you use, the more spice is retained later.

Once the peppers are naught but chunks, work your way up to liquefy.

Step 3: Making Friends

The ingredients added to this point do not get along: two of them are literally oil and water.  To make them work together, pour the sauce into your cookpot, making sure to scrape the thinker bits out of the blender, and bring it to a roiling boil.

Stir constantly.

Seriously, I can't stress enough to stir constantly.  If you don't, hot sauce bubbles will spew boiling pepper sauce all over your range, the sauce will burn, and many other horrible, sauce and mood-killing events will occur.

You should have steam absolutely pouring out of the pot in a very short period of time.  As soon as the steam coming off the sauce diminishes to a light vapor, reduce heat to low and add any spices you want.  I just added some garlic salt to this batch since I'm planning to cook with it, but I've found cayenne and cumin can add a nice complexity for use on pizza and tacos.

As soon as you feel the sauce thicken and provide resistance like a stew, cut off the heat and remove from the element.

At this point, the sauce is still fairly thin, and has a color between pistachio and pea soup.

Step 4: Bring the Pain

Now it's time to bottle your sauce.  I use a pair of 1/2 liter dressing bottles here.
If your bottles have sealing lids, just divide the sauce evenly, split the mayonnaise, and shake it until it blends evenly.
If your bottles do not have sealing lids, let the sauce cool to room-temperature, then pitch it and the mayo into the blender on the lowest setting.

This sauce is creamy, not overpoweringly flavorful, and has a nice, sharp, short-lasting burn suited for those moderate-tolerance pepper lovers who want to feel the intense hot sauce for a minute or two without feeling like they're dying (see The Hippie Seed Company's Yellow 7)

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