Soylent Red Crackers Is Bacon




Introduction: Soylent Red Crackers Is Bacon

Soylent Red Crackers is Bacon. Better than Soylent Green because Soylent Green is...

Make your own Soylent Red crackers/wafers. One cracker supplies only a taste of the daily minimum requirement for the essential Bacon food group. Works great to supplement bland non-nutritious dips made from tofu and other organic/vegan materials.

Easy to make, this is another shout out to those indentured in dorm rooms with only a toaster oven or DIY refractory kiln at their disposal.

CAUTION: Bacon is overwhelmingly good and addictive. Eat responsibly and in moderation.

Step 1: ​Like Out on the Chuckwagon Trail...

This will sound like one of those reform school recipes but...

You need bacon

Some flour

Salt, optional to taste depending on how "salty" your bacon is

Onion powder, garlic powder or any seasonings you like, lemon pepper would be interesting

Additional items to add, shredded or grated hard cheeses, dried jalapeno bits or crushed chili pepper flakes, sesame seeds, "green herbs"

You can make crackers or any form of unleavened bread with any kind of flour, fat, and a touch of salt for seasoning.

Step 2: Bacon Fit...

Finely chop up a few slices of bacon. This is really just to facilitate the rendering of the fat when we cook it and to make it easier to crumble into tiny bits for the dough.

Throw the chopped up mass into a pan over medium heat. Cook until the bits are well browned. They will get even crisper when they cool down.

Cook until the bits get brown and crispy. You should add a few teaspoons of good oil to start the rendering and to get a good amount of liquified fat for the recipe. Stir the pan a few times to get up all the good flavored burnt bits stuck to the bottom of the pan.

Push all the solid pieces to the side to cool. You can pour the liquid fat off into a bowl to cool. Crush the remaining pieces in the pan into smaller pieces so that they will be incorporated well into the dough. You can throw all that back into the fat in the bowl and put into the fridge to congeal a bit.

Step 3: Flour Power...

Take the semi-solidified bacon bits and bacon grease out of the fridge.

Add your seasonings to the grease in the bowl.

Mix in flour by the spoonful until you get mealy clumpy clumps of clumps. Use a fork or your hands.

In a separate bowl, put a tablespoon or so of cold water. Use some good Red Dye #2, or whatever number red food coloring you have around. Fun fact: Although this product is not Kosher by any means because it uses real pork bacon, red dyes are also prohibited since they may be derived from insects. You only need a drop or two. Mix till you get a red solution. Take about 1/3rd of your grease and flour mixture and incorporate that into the red colored water. Mix until it all comes together into one ball. You may add another spoon of flour or so to soak up excess liquid if the mixture is too wet.

Add drops of cold plain water to the remaining grease and flour pellets. Incorporate that into a ball of dough.

Stick your two balls in the fridge for about an hour to chill out and stiffen up a bit to be workable.

Step 4: It Looks Like SPAM But It's Not...

When the dough has chilled out and rested, shape them into three rectangular blobs.

Separate the uncolored piece of dough into two parts.

You can work the dough between sheets of plastic wrap if desired.

Sandwich the red dough between the two uncolored pieces of dough. Form into a bigger rectangular loaf.

Actually this is the classic bacon style. You could have two veins of meat in the pork belly or go with the Italian round pancetta spiral design.

You can put that back in the fridge to firm up again.

Take a big kitchen knife and with your best sushi carving skills, make 1/8th inch slices from the dough block.

Between plastic wrap, further thin out and press the slice into something that feels like a regular strip of bacon.

Step 5: Nom Nom...

On a lightly greased baking sheet, place your newly formed dough slices.

Bake in the oven at 450 degrees F for about 10 -15 minutes.

I just stuck it in my toaster oven set on TOAST for a couple of cycles. Actually, where is says TOAST 1 - 10, I just cranked it up to 11.

Keep an eye on it while it is cooking and keep a fire extinguisher handy or a stepstool to reach the smoke alarm.

When the edges start browning, it is time to ratchet down the heat and take it out to cool.

The crackers will get crackling crispier as they cool.

And you may wonder why? Why, why don't I just make a few strips of regular bacon and call it a day?

Because we can.


Oh, and someone needs to do the 10 Unusual Uses for Bacon instructable.

1. Grease the wagon wheels...

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    7 years ago

    Thank you; now I need to wipe the drool off my tablet.


    7 years ago on Introduction

    All you need now is a good smoky bacon and cheese dip for your crackers and you're good to go! Sounds yummy.


    you can make explosives from the grease.

    Doing so will make you a person of interest from the USDA and the FBI


    Reply 7 years ago on Introduction

    and probably some kind of napalm.

    Doing so will make you a person of interest from Dow Chemical and Bubba's BBQ down the street.


    7 years ago on Step 5

    I love it! You have my vote!