Simple, Deadly Nachos...




About: A Northern Ireland based maker with a propensity to cause trouble and freshly constructed family.
Let me preface this excerpt from my ordeal by explaining I thought of this while eating a pack of cookies, I blame them having 25% less fat than usual. 

God this is tasty, really good but the plate is heavy in my hand, not heavy like sunday dinner heavy, heavy like whole chicken heavy...

I'm sort of intimidated. I decided to use a spork, it's the utensil I'd be least embarassed dying with in my hand. Futurama as watching material, though I may need a few episodes...

Eight minutes, about a quarter way, the sheer density is brutal, though the mixtures of flavours is insane...

I am flummoxed and loving the touches of philly, they're like little cooling oases (is that the plural of oasis?) in this desert of meat, cheese and crisps oh and pasta... The ham really comes through!

Gah I think I have nacho dementia!

Usually that parmesan like taste of cheap mac and cheese would be overpowering, here it just blends in to the miasma of corn and chilli, it's very beefy and not that spicy, should not have but any lard in the cheese sauce, maybe used plain nachos and it needs way more philly to emulate sour cream... Or sour cream. Water is no help, coffee helps taste wise but no thirst help. I need beer. I need it to survive this ordeal.

Or maybe a smoke break to let my stomach compress the current bolus of thinly veiled nutritional suicide.

At this point I switched to videoing... 

In general don't eat this unless you hate yourself, everything included is meant for 2-4 people. The total damage, between 3300 and 3500 calories, I was a little heavy handed with the lard (had no butter for the cheese sauce) and use sour cream, no amount of cream cheese can take the salty dryness away from this. Salsa would be amazing here... Ok I realise adding more food to it seems foolish, however the problem isn't the amount, it's the taste and density of it all...

*Update, I followed a few linkbacks and in more than one place I've given my country and my eating habits a bad name... I do know  what normal nachos are, this wasn't ever going to be normal nachos... 

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Step 1: Ingredients

Uh yeah... 

 - A big can of chili 
 - A big bag of nachos
 - A pack of mac and cheese
 - some cream cheese 
 - A fundamental disregard for your health

Step 2: Starting

Cook the mac and cheese up. 

While it's cooking preheat the oven to 200C

Put a thick base of nachos in a baking tray. 

Oh rearrange the oven shelves to fit, this is really tall... 

Step 3: Layering Up

Begin with a base of chilli - don't heat the chilli first, the canned chilli cold makes a brilliant mortar for the nachos. 

It'll settle and lower with heat. 

Basically the formula is simple. 

Mac and cheese
Mac and cheese at the top

I garnished with cream cheese, I'm not sure why I did that in retrospect. It helps though... 

If you have salsa, well actually if you have the wit to add salsa do, it'll make it way more palatable. 

Step 4: Cooking

I did fifteen minutes at 200C

When I checked it looked edible, but I went for another five minutes. 

Step 5: Plating Up

I managed to get the spatula under the pile. 

Lifting didn't work, my spatula just started to bend... 

Instead I tipped the whole lot up and used the spatula to direct the avalanche of stuff and patted it in to a large and surprisingly jiggly mound. 

I should've known when I lifted it out of the oven by how heavy it was but once it was on a plate and piled up it started to look a lot more threatening. 

Step 6: Epilogue.

A while later. 

I feel pretty good, though this is the longest I've been full since christmas and that was more from continuous eating and drinking. 

Would I do this again? 

Yes, a million times yes, though salsa and veg, peppers and juicy tomatoes. 

I'm surprised though, calorifically it weighs in much healthier than a trip to the kebab shop (Heavily loaded doner on chips with cheese and house sauce + half pound kebab burger, they're awesome, two quarter pounders with a bunch of kebab meat on top...

However this leaves you way more full...

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    43 Discussions


    6 years ago on Introduction

    Nachos - another triumph - and hey big and heavy plate GOOOOOOOD.


    spark master

    7 years ago on Introduction

    I fergit, after reading many of the wikipeia entries from th efirst link, to save time, have the British Scotish and Irish government added Statins to the water supply?

    Cheaper then waiting for everyone to get HPB or stroke out!

    7 replies

    Not many people eat a fry for breakfast every day, I would eat a full soda most days I'm working early, but if I'm working early it's likely manual labour...

    Otherwise I don't get out of bed till noon or later...

    I am loving this discussion, oh and I have one for you...

    Go to Mcdonalds, buy three double cheeseburgers and three chicken mayos (off the tramp menu) then open each double cheeseburger so there's a burger either side, then stick the whole chicken mayo, baps and all in. Do for all three.

    It'd be a balanced meal if they came with bacon...

    Sadly Jackalope, I don't eat at Mcdonalds. they used to be tasty, no more :=(

    A health reporter back in the late 70's did a story and to grafficly show how much fat was in a regular fries big nmac and shake they filled a 20 ml graduated cyclinder so you saw it. If you inserted a wick it could burn for 20-30 minutes.

    What is a chicken mayo? If I want chicken I do Kentucky ried Rat or Boston Market . (or any good supermarket ) all serve better chicken then Mickie D's.

    Their food was never ever healthy, but it was tasty. (hey deep frying your spuds in Beef tallow WILL do that)

    I grew up eating eggs over easy fried in Bacon fat , always. I did not like them any other way. Didn't even need the bacon, and if no one saw me I would pan fry toast in same and then salt it good.


    Small wonder that Weight Watchers classifies bacon as a fat serving NOT a meat/protein serving.....

    but it tastes sooooo good.....

    try french fried deep fried in bacon fat and salted. (bacon fat is used in most good versions of home fries in NYC diners, although they are dying off as their customers are reduced by heart attacks)


    Reply 7 years ago on Introduction

    Hahahaha, wonderful! School kids across the pond have been obsessing over that for the past couple years, albeit only one sandwich of each variety is needed (American sizes?). They have a slightly more uncouth name for it, but it sure is tasty.

    I ran out of tortilla chips, nachos and mac and cheese, but I got the perfect amount of red pepper.
    Also, I am seeing death as an appealing option, but I regret nothing:


    Baps are buns...

    I thought bap was a normal word, was talking with friends about the fact that Ulster speaks very little english when you discount all the words that aren't real...

    Come to NYC one day we have so many ethnics (like say London) that the Bastardazation coupled with people (like me) who pick up certain words from other ethnics and use them so much they are part of the NYC (and area) vocabulary. 35 years ago the word most Italians use for Heartburn is/was pronounced AHH-Je- Duh (phonetically just put'm together, I can't read or write Italian). If you said you had it in front of friends from Montana (more cows then people) or Iowa of maybe Kansas, you would be stared at. Now it is a reasonably well known word, as are words like kosher and paison .

    In NYC if you are thirsty you might ask for a water fountain, do that in boston and you will be directed to a park with an outdoor statue (peeing chrubs anyone). In Boston you want a "bubbler", universally a drinking fountain.

    But Baps it is! You have sent me on a culinary expidition on the web(thanks, although my cardiologist says NOOOOOOOO.


    McDonalds USED to be tasty , burgerking was better. Then they involved "Food Scientists", not cooks and used imported bland meat. By Law (up to 10 or so years ago at least and probably right now), American beef can have 15 % of anything. Now I say that , that way because they could add 15% Jackalope, wild free range Haggis, Kangaroo, elk Cougar , whatever they like, and call it beef.

    Now I am not Jewish , but that ain't kosher. When both companies used 100% all American Beef the food tasted better, much better. We have a place called 5 Guys it is expensive , but better tasting and if you like fries , well you will love it. There are number of cook alikes springing up all over , and "diner's" in NYC area still ususally produce a darn tasty burger.

    On TV back maybe 25 years ago I saw a report on Micky D's and they showed a graduated cylinder with fat equal to a candle used in a menora (15-20 MLs ). and if you put a wick through it. That was from a Big Mac large fries and a shake.....

    I do agreee though that your concoction needs a pound or so of crispy bacon crumbles and mixed in or 1 pound of Eyetalian sweet sausage and one of hot , browned through (safe to eat) crumbled out of casings and through the glop.



    spark master

    7 years ago on Introduction

    You fergit the three most important ingredients,

    1 bottle of Tagamet (or the generic)
    1 Nitroglycerin tablet
    6 month supply of Crestor(or generics)

    Optional is a long feather and a loo to use it in !

    Everyday when I eat, I thank the gods in the ether that I was born of Italian descent so I never have to eat anything like that.

    Sorry it's gross, perhaps a spliff would help it. But that would be illegal in my country, your's as well, (I think).

    good luck with it though

    6 replies

    Hehe, I do actually make proper people food too...

    Oh smoke referred to a cigarette, I just needed a break from eating...

    Last time I was in Italy I was in heaven with the food, granted breakfast took a little getting used to...

    I am an American of Eyetalian descent what do they do at breakfast, Coffee and a buttered roll? My grandfather liked a HUGE cup of coffee in a cup big enough for an American donut. He could drop one in and eat with a spoon. Many times we would eat several slices toast with coffee. But I like real breakfast!


    It seemed kind of saladish... The coffee was great...

    Full soda - Sausage bacon & egg, in a fried soda farl... It's excellent, though an ulster fry works better...

    On the other hand, the scottish bit - butteries. They are the best pastry, ever.

    (think Scotish bur in voice)

    Eye me laddie time fer translaaa-shuns

    Salad at breakfast? Coulda be my Sea-chil-lian-o heritage but thta sounds off, I must ask what did they serve. (salads can appear at all meals after breakfast in my home and we love'm)

    but you state

    Full soda - Sausage bacon & egg, in a fried soda farl... It's excellent, though an ulster fry works better...

    full soda? fried in a soda farl? Ulster fry. Butteries?

    I need the translation to American of these items. I am a foodie and I may need to make them, soon. I will warn you it took me 25 + years to get used to a touch of Mexican food I make a Hot spicey mango sauce that all the South Americans I know either want the recipe or will pay me for the finished sauce. I make a few real nice spiced dead animal things and soon will work on an edible Salsa, as in chip dip (American chips NOT Brit chips). Made fresh and well it is similar to a bruchetta and is awesome on most things, but on orange Italo-Mex Orange chix beef/chix as a layer of marinade or topper, it excels.

    Warmed left over orange beef London Broil(flank steak in NYC ), iwarmed on toasted Pain de Mie with mayo and salsa (and alternatively Mango sauce) is what I had just before typing this .mmmmmmmm

    I have given the stuff to friendly Indian and Pakistani's I know and they were impressed. I have tasted several mango sauces from Pakistan and India and they all were horrid, pointless or bland and loaded with chemicals.

    pure dreck, ( drek?)

    tonight we have Chix breast stuffed with very strong provolone mozzerella homade eyetalian breadcrumbs and artichoke then readed lightly fried (to set the meat then dosed with white wine and baked. Maybe a side of mashed spuds with onion and garlic (in the boil and crushed in) and a light-ish pommodoro garlicy spinacchio and carrots.


    no wonder I am fat


    Butteries - They are pastries. Little salty, VERY rich. In truth they're essentially death in a lovable form, you don't really get them outside of scotland, my mother gives me some when her friends post them.

    Soda bread - It's awesome, you throw it in a frying pan or toast and butter, with thin slices of cheese on it. You can also do it like bruschetta which is good.

    Ulster fry - wiki most places have a few americanish additions these days along with everything in it. Note you may spend a while clicking links to figure out what the food is.

    The next question is potato bread, it's bread made from mashed potatoes, baking soda and butter, again awesome.


    talk about heart attacks. I may never make fun of American 's general diets again. well ok that is a pipe dream I will. But this stuff is intense. I can handle cakes/breads/potato breads/pork/beans and most of the stuff. But I draw the line at black and white puddings and haggis.

    Bacon & eggs with toast and coffee make me need to take a pill FIRST, but what you made me read was frightening, I could need gastro surgery to eat that on a daily basis.

    Not thta it looks untasty, (well ok the puddings/haggis and seaweed products are out) , but that diet was from when almost all people worked on farms and food was much scarcer, much .

    Farmers on an Amish Farm get up @ like 4 am have tea/coffee and a quick snack as it were, go feed/ milk barn critters then come in for a breakfast equal to a dinner in NYC, then go out to the field. At noon the women folk will bring out by wagon a huge lunch , then at dinner it is much much lighter.

    Average female eats 2,000+ calories a day, average man eat 6,000 calories a day.

    Of course they have no heat and use no electric/machinery.

    And prior to say even WWII pigs were raised for lard as much as for meat.

    One day we should get together for a few beers and go hunting I always wanted to bad a Jackalope and of cousr one needs great stealth to "Stalk the Wild Haggis"

    This is a hoot of a post with the commentary even if only you and I enjoy it!



    7 years ago on Step 6

    sounds tasty, maybe some salsa, jalapeno's and bacon bits just to bring it up that last notch of crazy lol

    1 reply

    Definitely needs those things, the bacon would really add - salsa and jalapenos are just plain necessary, add a bit of juiciness to the whole thing...