How Make Tortilla Pizzas: for Teens That Can't Cook

It's hard to remember, but not long ago I was a teen that couldn't cook. I'm 21 and in college now so most of my food comes from McDonald's between the months of August and May.

But whatever, you're home alone and there's nothing in the freezer to eat. But Nick, how can I make pizza all by myself? Shhhhhhhh, it's all gonna be ok. You got tortillas/bread? You got tomato sauce? You got this. This recipe is probably exactly what they do at Applebee's for their kid's menu pizzas, so it's so cheap that you shouldn't worry about messing it up.

But what do I NEEEEEED!

Tortillas or just any bread you want to put your pizzas on. Burrito tortillas work best cuz they're bigger.

Cheese, mozzarella is traditionally pizza cheese. Don't got mozzarella? Any cheese that melts works.

Pizza sauce or tomato sauce and spices (black pepper, basil, Italian spices).

But what's that other stuff!

Butter: if you're looking for an extremely filling meal, you can butter the crust. It adds a certain flavor and thick texture.

Other cheeses: if you don't want to feel bad for taking all the mozzarella, you can mix it up with other cheeses. I used cheddar and pepperjack

Garlic and sriracha: just for extra spice. You might not want to use garlic if you're going out later.

Other toppings: if you have vegetables like peppers or meats like browned hamburger in the freezer, or even crazy stuff like pizza rolls, go for it. Your pizzas will feel much happier.

Step 1: Black Metal

As fun as cooking can be, it can be even more fun to do it with music on. If you want to make the best tasting pizza, you should listen to black metal. Black metal is the most evil music in the world. Bands of choice for pizza are: Dethklok, The Black Dahlia Murder, Winds of Plague, Chthonic, Dimmu Borgir, Illnath, and Make Them Suffer.

Or idk I guess you can listen to your pop music. Your pizza won't be nearly as brutal though.

Step 2: Wash Your Hands!

The light switch, did you touch it today? You touched human poop. You don't want poop in your pizza.

Step 3: The Sauce!

If you happen to have a can of pizza sauce in the garage (pantry if you got one), then you're fine. But if all you got is tomato sauce, you have to add spices to it so your pizzas don't taste like Spaghettios. This is the messiest part. Get your can of tomato sauce and rinse off the top because it's probably dusty because who uses tomato sauce? Open the can. Don't cut yourself on the jagged edges you just made. Now you gotta spice it with either: Italian spices, black pepper and basil, or all 3. A good life hack is that if you have very bland food, just cover it in black pepper and it will taste better. But anyway, just throw some pinches of your spices in the sauce. Exact measurements aren't needed, but if you were to use measuring spoons just use the "just a pinch" spoon. Exactly.

Then just stir it up.

Step 4: Construct the Pizzas!

While you're building your pizzas, preheat the oven. Real pizzas are cooked at 400°F/200°C/(478K if you're a scientist).

If you have these little taco tortillas, use 2-3 spoonfuls of the sauce and spread it out over the whole surface. Then grab a fist-full of cheese and sprinkle it evenly on the pizza. Garlic is completely unnecessary but I wanted some.

but what ABOUT THE MEAT!

If you have toppings to put on your pizza (I totally didn't. There's nothing to eat in my house) definitely put your toppings on top of the cheese. If you put the toppings under the cheese, the oil from the toppings will cause the hot cheese to slide off and slap you in the face. Toppings should only be put under the cheese if you're making a deep dish pizza. And that's a true fact.

Step 5: [zombie Screech]!

I mean, set the timer for 7 minutes and throw the pizza in. Don't leave it unattended because these are so thin that 2 minutes too long could mean burning them. Use an oven mitt, kids, the pan is 400°F.

When the cheese starts to look like a roasted marshmallow, take the pizzas out and put them on a surface that won't burn. My counter tops are granite. Don't forget to turn off the oven.

Step 6: Cleave the Pies in Four!

It's kinda hard to do this on a cookie sheet, but the cuts don't have to be straight. Circular cuts are just fine, I mean, these pizzas don't have a soul so they don't really care what you do to them. Then consume them. These 4 pizzas may look like a lot, but really it's only enough to feed just me. No, you go make your own; I'm hungry.

Then clean up your mess. And wrap up your extra pizza sauce and stick it in the fridge for tomorrow.