Introduction: Heaven and Hell Preserves

About: I am a paper arts instructor and star of the Understand Blue Paper Arts Television Show on weekly in the Austin Market. I am a marketing professional by day, and love all things visual. I am a member of the…

This is the most fun gift I give during the holiday season, and it is not for the faint of heart, but it is devilishly hot and as sweet as an angel!

My recipe yields eight 8 oz jars of heavenly yum.

Step 1: Ingredients

2 lbs. jalapenos
1 lb. onions
4 C. sugar
1/4 C. apple cider vinegar
1/4 C. water
1/2 tsp. turmeric

A large pot
A stove
A LOLcat
A respectable beer
(8) 8 oz. Ball jars with lids

Step 2: Slice Jalapenos

Choose two pounds of firm, smooth skinned jalapenos. Wash them with vegetable soap and slice them into 1/4" slices or to your preference. Leave the seeds and ribs intact - this is the source of "hell".

Add the jalapenos to a large pot.

Step 3: Slice and Add Onions

Slice (no finesse needed) 1 pound of white or sweet onions and add them to the pot with the jalapenos.

Step 4: Add Liquids

Combine 1/4 C. water with 1/4 C. apple cider vinegar and add to the pot.

Step 5: Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble...

Bring the peppers, onions and liquids to a boil.

It is at this point that you will begin to think I'm insane, because you have a giant pot of vegetables and 1/2 C of liquid, but don't fight the magic!

I've made this faithfully for 8 years and it works!

Step 6: LOLcat Quality Assurance

As these begin to cook down, there should be a delicious, peppery atmosphere in your kitchen. Put your LOLcat on the counter.

If your LOLcat makes this face, UR doing it rite..

Step 7: Sugar & Spice and Everything Nice

When the onions are translucent and the peppers have changed color, add 4 C. sugar and 1/2 tsp. turmeric.

Mix well, and bring mixture back to a low boil.

Step 8: The Final Moments

Simmer the mixture until it resembles my photo - the onions will be translucent and the skin of the jalapenos will begin to wrinkle a bit at the edges. The liquid will have a light syrupy texture.

You will most likely get very thirsty during this step, so take advantage of your respectable beer.

Step 9: Presentation

Remove the Heaven and Hell preserves from the stove and spoon into eight 8 oz. Ball jars that you have warmed with boiling water. Distribute syrup evenly among jars. Leave about an inch of head space in each jar, and attach lids tightly.

Step 10: Cool It, Baby

Allow the jars to come to room temperature before refrigerating.

Step 11: Decorate As Desired

Decorate jars and give to friends. I bring mine to our firehouse every year at Christmas - firemen love hot food!

Heaven and Hell should be served with cream cheese on a cracker - my preference is for Wheat Thins. Be sure  recipients have Shiner Bock handy and have said their prayers.

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