Post some of your favorite jokes, or I'll send hasslehoff after you
11 years ago
If a quiz makes you quizzical, what does a test make you?
11 years ago
13 years ago
There was a man drowning in the ocean. A boat came by and asked if he needed some help. The man replied, "No thanks, God will save me." Another boat came by and asked if he needed some help. The man replied, "No thanks, God will save me." And then the man died. When he got to heaven, the man asked God why he didn't come and save him. So God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"
Two peanuts walk into a bar...
One was assaulted (a salted).
A horse walks into a bar...
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A woman walks into a bar with a duck on her head.
Bartender says, "What's with the pig?"
The woman says, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"
Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"
Man walks into a bar...
A priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar...
Bartender says, "Is this some kinda joke?"
lol those are good
. Q: Why is Louisiana shaped like a boot?
. A: A tennis shoe won't hold that much crap.
. Q: Why doesn't Louisiana slide into the Gulf?
. A: Arkansas sucks.
So this guy is in a hotel, he goes to the penthouse where there is a bar
When he walks in to the bar, a man sitting by a window suddenly breaks the window and jumps out. The guy said "holy shit!" but the bartender said "relax, he'll be back"
In a few seconds, the elevator door opens, and the man walked back to his seat for a few seconds and jumps out again, and a few more seconds later, he comes out of the elevator again.
So the guy asks him "how do you do that?", the man told him "on the ground, there is a big heat exhaust vent, all you need to do is catch the updraft."
So the guy jumps out the window to try it
And the bartender said, "superman, you're such an asshole"
HAHA I heard that one before lol
Ok, i'll tell you a joke. Gordon Brown.
Impersonations fail. The Joker does it like it should be done.
Q: What do I get if I cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? A: Elephino. ( Hell if I know.) Heh.
Aeshir thats offencive to not only me but every other emo out there im emo and im proud of it and i cut my wrist to but just shut the hell up about emos
so proud of being emo you had to make a fake account to tell everyone? ;-)
Why do pirates never buy corn during the winter?
It's a buck an ear.
13 years ago
Reminds me of this one:
Why do pirates get their ears pierced?
It costs a buck an ear!
Ok, I'm done.
A mushrrom was complaining to the bartender about women. "They don't like me. I don't get it. I mean, I'm a fungi."
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two.
One to hold the lightbulb and one to lie on the floor and drink whiskey 'til the room spins.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Seven. - One to cry about how his parents never bought him lightbulbs - Two to write the song about the old one - One to find the razor - Two to cut their wrists to the new song and old lightbulb - And one to change the lightbulbMore incredibly mean yet awesome emo jokes
A talking chimpanzee enters a tavern in the late afternoon, hops up on a stool and orders a beer.
"Hey, you're a talking chimpanzee!" exclaimed the bartender.
"Right," he said, "I'm a talking chimpanzee and I'm working on the construction project down the road--until my part of the job is done at the end of this week, that is. Then I'll be unemployed. Meanwhile, you'll see me each day after work for a beer. Can I have my beer now, please?"
Each afternoon the chimp drops in for a beer after construction work stops for the day, each day more and more depressed about his impending joblessness.
Friday arrives, and he couldn't be in worse humor. The barkeep offers him good news, though.
"Hey! The circus pulled into town the other day, and they've been coming in for drinks, of course. We talked about you today, and they think they could use you!"
The chimp looked at him with wide eyes. "The circus, .... They work out of a great big tent, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," confirmed the bartender, "big, traditional circus tent. Go check it out."
"Huh," pondered the chimp, scratching his jaw, "I wonder what the circus could want with a bricklayer."
A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money on the on the wall.
He asks the bartender, "what's all that money for?"
The bartender said, "it's dare night, you do three dares and you keep all the money"
And somebody walks in and gives the bartender some money and the bartender puts it in the jar, the guy is interested and asks, "what are the dares?"
The bartender said, "chug two bottles of scotch, my dog has a bad tooth and you have to pull it out, and a old prostitute upstairs needs a customer"
So the guy thinks he will be too drunk after the scotch so nothing matters, so he says "what the hell, I'll do it!", and downs the scotch and asks "where's the dog?"
The bartender said "in the back"
The guys goes to the back and for the next 10 minutes, they are making a really loud racket back there, then the guy comes back and says:
"Ok, now where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"
An alligator walks into a bar and gobbles some stuff up. He then walks to the barman and asks for a beer. The barman says "No, because that was the bar-bich-u-ate"
Did't get it? run it over a few times in your head
Still didn't get it?
Ask someone to stick scratch n' sniff stickers at the bottom of a pool and go for a swim
(my condolences to your parents, they didn't deserve you)
14 years ago
I remember that one it was a good one, to bad it got removed
Did you hear about the Plastic surgeon who hung himself?
He's very popular with the ladies!
A man is drunk at a bar and pukes all over his own shirt. He looks down and says, "Man! My wife's gonna kill me when I get home!"
The bartender comes over and says to the man, "Don't worry about it! Put ten dollars in your pocket and when you get home, tell you wife some guy at the bar puked on your shirt and gave you money for the laundry."
The man says, "That's a great idea!" and goes on home.
When he arrives home, still drunk, his wife is furious! He holds his hands up and says, "Wait, wait honey! I've got an explanation!" With that, he pulls the money from his pocket, hands it to her and says, "This guy puked all over me at the bar and gave me ten bucks to cover the laundry!"
The wife looks at the bill and says, "But this is a Twenty!"
"Oh yea!", says the man, "He crapped my pants too!"
What does american beer and sex in a boat have in common?
It's fucking close to water!
a ploar bear walks into a bar and says to the bar tender:
"can I get a ..........
...... beer ?"
and the barman says "Hey, why the long pause?"
14 years ago
i don't get it
Have you ever watched SCUBA divers as they go into the water? You know how they sit on the side of boat, hold their mask with one hand, then fall backwards into the water? You know why they do that?
Because if they fell forward, they would fall into the boat.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Thecheese9921 is right, it's like the one forks and knives, but w/ different words, but still very funny
There was a bunny and he went to a Burger King. He asked "Do you have carrots here?" The person said no. The bunny came back the next day and asked for carrots again. The person there said "No, we don't have anything healthy like carrots." The next day the bunny asked for carrots again, this time he said "If you come back tomorrow asking for carrots, I'll nail your ears to the wall." So the bunny came back the next day and asked "Do you have any nails?" The person said no, they did not. Then the bunny said "In that case, do you have any carrots?"
so there was a new worker at dunkin donuts.
a customer walks up to him and asks "what do u sell here?"
he says "i dont know"
then the manager comes out and says to him "say donuts!" then another custmor walks in and aks "are the donuts fresh?" he says "i dont know" so the manager comes out again and tells him "say yes yes very fresh" then another customer walks in and asks if he can buy a donut and he says "i dont know" so the manager once again comes out and says " say if you dont someone else will"
then a burglar walks in and pulls out a gun and say "what do ya got in the cash register?" he says "donuts" the robber screams "are you gettin freash with me?" he says "yes yes very fresh" so the burglar says "i'm gonna shoot you!" and he says" if you dont someone else will"
kind of llike the forks a knives one